Will try and keep this short and sweet..
Went out with a girl for 2 years. The first year was great, arguments as in ever relationship but we were happy. We were each other's first for just about everything despite her being unbelievably good looking. I went through a lot at the end of year 1 - deaths, medical conditions, being a general failure etc and fell into serious depression.
In year 2 I cheated twice, once was sex then one was a kiss. Many would see this as an excuse but depression stopped me caring about consequences and all my actions had very short term reasoning. I was drunk too, but that is an excuse. I told her about the sex and it crushed her but she took me back. The kiss ate away at me for months until I couldn't take it any more and told her in April. She wanted to make it work because she knows that depression has changed me into a different person to the one she fell in love with but I hated myself and left.
At the start of this year I was suicidal and almost acted on it. Antidepressants were prescribed and they helped, but I haven't taken any for a month now and feel stable. I dropped out of uni last year due to depression and despite being very intelligent I'm worried I'm going to fail in life.
But anyways, I rang her up last week and she told me she didn't love me any more and was talking to someone else. I told her to move on and although she kept fighting for me, part of me is pleased that she has managed to move on. However, I have tried dating 2 other girls since her and when she found that out she hung up and we haven't spoke since. I'm going down a dark road right now, with drugs, gambling, one night stands and a lot of alcohol the norm. I associate myself with a group full of 'bad influences' and I feel this might only get worse..
I love this girl. She is loyal and despite others seeing plenty of her flaws, I see the woman I'd marry. I know I'm not a bad person at heart, and I truly believe she's the one. But I also know I don't deserve her after what I've done. She picked me when I was chubby and underdeveloped (luckily no longer the case!), despite her being a genuine 10/10 and I owe her everything. She's in my thoughts every day and I know I could stay loyal to her for life.
What do I do?
Put the internet to work for you.
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