Hi All,
Thanks for taking the time to read this over and post.
I have been married for 11 years. I have 3 children, 2 boys (9 and 6), and 1 daughter (4)
My wife and I met and married fairly quickly and we had many good years together. This might be a strange way to start a divorce consideration, but I think she is a great person and mother.
She is smart, considerate, and kind. The issue comes to how we have changed as we have grown older. I just turned 37 and she is 39.
It seems like our interests have grown apart. Here is a list of the things that make it particularly difficult for me to be happy with her.
- She stopped drinking any alcohol about 4 years ago. Health wise this is great, however, I enjoy things like going to comedy clubs and having a few drinks and having a glass of wine to unwind. Since she quit drinking entirely, this has changed the way we have spent time together.
- She changed to natural/organic only food. Again, this sounds silly. However, we basically eat different things now. I do eat what she makes, she is a good cook. However, we used to have such a good time going to restaurants just about anywhere instead of researching before we go.
- She seldom wants to get a baby sitter. When I first met her, she had a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage. So when her daughter was 14-16 she used to be able to babysit some nights. However, she has been out of the house for about 3 years which has changed our dating life a lot. I have been on 3 dates in the last to years. I understand we have 3 children, but I am OK with getting a babysitter. My daughter has down syndrome so I can understand her hesitation, but my daughter is growing up and I think a good qualified baby sitter could watch her once or twice a month.
- Another silly thing, she wont watch rated R movies anymore. I like my movies, and having to watch rated R movies with the guys or waiting until they are on video is not always fun.
- We used to like working on fixing up the house, but now she just wants to provide ideas but does not want to do it together. It used to be a good way to talk and spend time with each other. That has changed since she does not want to, I suppose I really don't know why and I should ask her though.
- She wants to move out of our current state because her family has moved away. I live in Washington so it is pretty raining, but this is where I have my career. It is difficult to keep telling her I want to stay while she really wants to move. I feel like I can't make her happy staying here.
- She has started doing cross fit for 1 year now. She is very active with it, it consumes a lot of her time. I am happy she found something to keep her busy besides the kids. However, I always liked her slim figure and now she is getting bigger, more muscle, etc. It is a harder to see her that way, but how do I tell my wife to stop doing something that makes her happy so I can see her thinner?
- I make a good salary and we used to be good about saving. however, we recently moved and her spending has gone up significantly. Mostly on good things like sports/vitamins/natural medicine/shes going to school now/special school for my daughter. However, we no longer have enough to save and for once in our relationship I have to ask her to stop spending so much money. I do not like to do that, but at a certain point I simply don't make enough.
- We have sex maybe once every 1-3 months, one time it was 6 months. When we first met, for the first couple year we would have sex 2-3 times a week. After children though it dropped significantly. lately sometimes I could "not" do it. This could be me physically, but I think it is more like I am unhappy. I have done some research and I have no signs other than when I am with her.
- In the last 3 years, my wife has joined the Mormon church. I have always been non-denominational and I have nothing against the Mormon church. The people in the church are great and they have great ideals. However, it is different from what I believe and it sometimes is hard to live together when we have different beliefs. I feel like an outcast to her friends, and I feel like she thinks poorly of my friends. Many of whom are atheist.
- I am a person who likes to touch/kiss/hug/etc. We used to do these things, but for some time now it has changed and I can't seem to get it back. My wife gives me pecks on the lips and only occasionally, like once every month will we do any sensual, even if it does not involves sex itself. This is actually one of the hardest parts for me. Not the sex, but the lack of intimacy.
OK, I am actually feeling somewhat better now. I have been harboring these feelings for quite sometime now with no one to talk to. It is a relief to put them down where someone can read them and might provide feedback.
I know many of the things I wrote down seem petty and I agree. This is why I am conflicted. My wife is a good person, good mom. I just am not happy and when I bring it up to her we work on it for a little while but then it drops off again.
I have thought about counseling, but have avoided it. It seems like if I bring up counseling, it might make things worse, and what if I can not bring myself to leave her. Currently my reason for not wanting to leave are my children. She is a good mom and my kids are being brought up well. I am afraid that if we separate, she might treat them differently. She did this with her daughter from her previous divorce, she became slightly cold to her. I think it was a resentment of her ex-husband.
For myself, I think I have changed relatively little. That could be a problem, maybe I am not maturing enough. Many of the changes my wife has made are to make her a better person and I understand that, but it does not seem to help the way I feel.
I have a job that requires me to work about 10 hours a day and travel about 2-4 weeks a year on average. I like to spend time with my children, but I am not a super dad.
We rarely have any fights, and if we do they are resolved quickly without anyone getting their feelings hurt to much. The only time I have made her really upset was 6 months ago when I asked her if she thought she would be happier with someone else because of some of the differences I listed above. Since then I have not brought it up again.
How can I love someone but not be happy with them?
Sorry for the long message, but thanks for all of you who made it this far.
Thanks for taking the time to read this over and post.
I have been married for 11 years. I have 3 children, 2 boys (9 and 6), and 1 daughter (4)
My wife and I met and married fairly quickly and we had many good years together. This might be a strange way to start a divorce consideration, but I think she is a great person and mother.
She is smart, considerate, and kind. The issue comes to how we have changed as we have grown older. I just turned 37 and she is 39.
It seems like our interests have grown apart. Here is a list of the things that make it particularly difficult for me to be happy with her.
- She stopped drinking any alcohol about 4 years ago. Health wise this is great, however, I enjoy things like going to comedy clubs and having a few drinks and having a glass of wine to unwind. Since she quit drinking entirely, this has changed the way we have spent time together.
- She changed to natural/organic only food. Again, this sounds silly. However, we basically eat different things now. I do eat what she makes, she is a good cook. However, we used to have such a good time going to restaurants just about anywhere instead of researching before we go.
- She seldom wants to get a baby sitter. When I first met her, she had a 9 year old daughter from a previous marriage. So when her daughter was 14-16 she used to be able to babysit some nights. However, she has been out of the house for about 3 years which has changed our dating life a lot. I have been on 3 dates in the last to years. I understand we have 3 children, but I am OK with getting a babysitter. My daughter has down syndrome so I can understand her hesitation, but my daughter is growing up and I think a good qualified baby sitter could watch her once or twice a month.
- Another silly thing, she wont watch rated R movies anymore. I like my movies, and having to watch rated R movies with the guys or waiting until they are on video is not always fun.
- We used to like working on fixing up the house, but now she just wants to provide ideas but does not want to do it together. It used to be a good way to talk and spend time with each other. That has changed since she does not want to, I suppose I really don't know why and I should ask her though.
- She wants to move out of our current state because her family has moved away. I live in Washington so it is pretty raining, but this is where I have my career. It is difficult to keep telling her I want to stay while she really wants to move. I feel like I can't make her happy staying here.
- She has started doing cross fit for 1 year now. She is very active with it, it consumes a lot of her time. I am happy she found something to keep her busy besides the kids. However, I always liked her slim figure and now she is getting bigger, more muscle, etc. It is a harder to see her that way, but how do I tell my wife to stop doing something that makes her happy so I can see her thinner?
- I make a good salary and we used to be good about saving. however, we recently moved and her spending has gone up significantly. Mostly on good things like sports/vitamins/natural medicine/shes going to school now/special school for my daughter. However, we no longer have enough to save and for once in our relationship I have to ask her to stop spending so much money. I do not like to do that, but at a certain point I simply don't make enough.
- We have sex maybe once every 1-3 months, one time it was 6 months. When we first met, for the first couple year we would have sex 2-3 times a week. After children though it dropped significantly. lately sometimes I could "not" do it. This could be me physically, but I think it is more like I am unhappy. I have done some research and I have no signs other than when I am with her.
- In the last 3 years, my wife has joined the Mormon church. I have always been non-denominational and I have nothing against the Mormon church. The people in the church are great and they have great ideals. However, it is different from what I believe and it sometimes is hard to live together when we have different beliefs. I feel like an outcast to her friends, and I feel like she thinks poorly of my friends. Many of whom are atheist.
- I am a person who likes to touch/kiss/hug/etc. We used to do these things, but for some time now it has changed and I can't seem to get it back. My wife gives me pecks on the lips and only occasionally, like once every month will we do any sensual, even if it does not involves sex itself. This is actually one of the hardest parts for me. Not the sex, but the lack of intimacy.
OK, I am actually feeling somewhat better now. I have been harboring these feelings for quite sometime now with no one to talk to. It is a relief to put them down where someone can read them and might provide feedback.
I know many of the things I wrote down seem petty and I agree. This is why I am conflicted. My wife is a good person, good mom. I just am not happy and when I bring it up to her we work on it for a little while but then it drops off again.
I have thought about counseling, but have avoided it. It seems like if I bring up counseling, it might make things worse, and what if I can not bring myself to leave her. Currently my reason for not wanting to leave are my children. She is a good mom and my kids are being brought up well. I am afraid that if we separate, she might treat them differently. She did this with her daughter from her previous divorce, she became slightly cold to her. I think it was a resentment of her ex-husband.
For myself, I think I have changed relatively little. That could be a problem, maybe I am not maturing enough. Many of the changes my wife has made are to make her a better person and I understand that, but it does not seem to help the way I feel.
I have a job that requires me to work about 10 hours a day and travel about 2-4 weeks a year on average. I like to spend time with my children, but I am not a super dad.
We rarely have any fights, and if we do they are resolved quickly without anyone getting their feelings hurt to much. The only time I have made her really upset was 6 months ago when I asked her if she thought she would be happier with someone else because of some of the differences I listed above. Since then I have not brought it up again.
How can I love someone but not be happy with them?
Sorry for the long message, but thanks for all of you who made it this far.
Put the internet to work for you.
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