I am 32 years old. Was married in 2007 and my son was born in 2008. I did not adjust well to the demands of being a dad and I became emotionally detached from my wife. Things got really bad in 2013. 2014 was more peaceful but I was working too much think about our issues. But my wife had been spending a lot more time away from home and I accused her of cheating. She always denied it because she was also out with friends. I found evidence of an affair a few weeks ago but waited to bring it up this weekend. She has been seeing someone else for a year. Discrete she said. No other friends involved. Mostly for the emotional connection. There was sex involved too. Our sex life has been lacking due to her low drive after child birth and my inability to learn her body. Our sex life before childbirth was fantastic. The affair was in response to years of my neglect of being emotionally available for my wife. She needs constant reinforcement to feel loved and I fail ed at doing that and consistently doing the things the men are supposed to do show their wives that they are appreciated. She also has deep wounds from being abandoned by her parents. I can't relate to it since I had both of mine. And I was expected to fill the void by being an awesome husband. I am well aware of the pain this has caused by my lack of the emotions of empathy and compassion but I also didn't change my actions to at least fake it while I improved. So now things are at rock bottom. Many years of her pain was dumped on me in one day after the affair was confirmed. She wants to make it work out with me but only if I change and really commit to counseling this time. We did before but stopped going. We ended up being different than what we expected from our short courtship so we need decide if we are compatible.
My trust in her is broken. Even though I hurt her by my pulling away emotionally her affair hurts me too. I started probing her with questions and telling to her to cut off contact with the other guy and refrain from one on one contact with other men. This was on Saturday. Got worse today. She says I have a right to feel upset but asking all of these questions makes it worse. She didn't want to tell me anything at first because it would be too painful. I am hurt more by the lies and deception. She said she felt lied to and deceived as well by my actions. So the shoe is on the other foot now. She has let herself down and broke one of Gods commandments. She is a very spiritual person and our marriage is from a Christian perspective. So divorce shouldn't be an option but we are human and can only sustain so much.
We are looking into counseling this week.
For anyone who has been through this, is it best to avoid discussing the details of the affair or just let a counselor handle the approach? My wife said that it was a simple affair due to getting emotional fulfillment from someone else and no other details are needed. Part of me wants to hear more and part of me doesn't. I found out by snooping around after a family member said she saw my wife with another guy. She says i invaded her privacy. She just thinks i need to keep my mouth shut and focus on repairing the hole in our marriage and not focus on her infidelity. She is equally hurt by this and that seems to be clouding her ability to let me grieve. She said if I had cheated then she wouldn't want the details. At this point she is so angry with me that we may have some sort of trial separation.
I will need my own counseling too. I don't have good emotional intelligence and I don't have the sensitive qualities that women want in a man. My wife is an amazing person and I let her down big time. Giving up would be easy but I need to improve myself even if she leaves.
My trust in her is broken. Even though I hurt her by my pulling away emotionally her affair hurts me too. I started probing her with questions and telling to her to cut off contact with the other guy and refrain from one on one contact with other men. This was on Saturday. Got worse today. She says I have a right to feel upset but asking all of these questions makes it worse. She didn't want to tell me anything at first because it would be too painful. I am hurt more by the lies and deception. She said she felt lied to and deceived as well by my actions. So the shoe is on the other foot now. She has let herself down and broke one of Gods commandments. She is a very spiritual person and our marriage is from a Christian perspective. So divorce shouldn't be an option but we are human and can only sustain so much.
We are looking into counseling this week.
For anyone who has been through this, is it best to avoid discussing the details of the affair or just let a counselor handle the approach? My wife said that it was a simple affair due to getting emotional fulfillment from someone else and no other details are needed. Part of me wants to hear more and part of me doesn't. I found out by snooping around after a family member said she saw my wife with another guy. She says i invaded her privacy. She just thinks i need to keep my mouth shut and focus on repairing the hole in our marriage and not focus on her infidelity. She is equally hurt by this and that seems to be clouding her ability to let me grieve. She said if I had cheated then she wouldn't want the details. At this point she is so angry with me that we may have some sort of trial separation.
I will need my own counseling too. I don't have good emotional intelligence and I don't have the sensitive qualities that women want in a man. My wife is an amazing person and I let her down big time. Giving up would be easy but I need to improve myself even if she leaves.
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