I'm hesitant to return here after a lot of the negativity I saw on my last thread, but I'm not going to over-think this, here goes:
Bite Size recap: I'm 31, my wife is 30, and we've been officially married for 12 years and have a 10 y/o child. After years of maintaining a porn addiction, a non-existent sex life with my wife, and being a generally poor excuse for a husband, she moved out after I caught her deep in an affair, her 2nd in close succession, in early summer 2010. While apart, I worked on myself, while also seeing other women, and my wife went to school while living with a new much older manipulative/controlling lover. About six months after he left the picture (to jail, he apparently had a thing for much, much younger women/girls), my wife and I reconnected and started casually "dating" again to see if we could reconcile. During that time we came within a hair of divorce (literally canceled it the day before the final court hearing I think) and went through all kinds of messy drama. She moved back home about 19 months ago in June of 2013.
Update: After she had a few months of individual counseling this past fall, she finally opened up to me about a few things in early December (last month) regarding trust issues she has, and her fear regarding being sexual with me. She shared that her fear was that if we became sexual again, that it wouldn't be long before I would escalate things and start pushing us towards having sex with other people or something similar. She didn't want to have her trust broken that way again, and be put in a similar situation of potentially giving into something she didn't want to do in order to please me, while destroying herself emotionally. I understood completely, we talked, and it was a good talk. Afterwards, for the first time in nearly five years, my wife and I had sex.
The way I put that just sounds so childish, like a teenager bragging or something, but thats all it was for now. It wasn't really "making love" it wasn't full of passion, it wasn't wild, it was just sex. For the time being, I'm ok with that. I can't imagine it would have been possible for it to be any more than that considering the circumstances. We needed a "break the ice" experience. Since then we'd had sex about four or five times, including one time when she jumped me in the middle of the night that was quite exciting.
Each experience has still been somewhat awkward, not at all natural for most loving couples I'm sure. But each experience is improving for both of us, culminating in that most recent middle of the night experience, so I'm feeling good about the progress. It might seem strange to some that I'm focusing all on the sex stuff, but honestly, the "sex stuff" is the only real ingredient that has been missing from our marriage since the reconciliation.
I'm certainly not updating now to present us as a "success story" or even a "We did it and so can you!" type of thing. We're still working on it, and nothing is ever 100% certain, so it is what it is. I will say that at the moment, we're fully committed to each other. We just recently merged our previously separated bank accounts together again, and are starting to put money away so that we can think about a house upgrade in a couple of years, so those seem like good signs as well.
Who knows what the future will bring, but for now I thought a few folks here might like an update, so here it is.
Bite Size recap: I'm 31, my wife is 30, and we've been officially married for 12 years and have a 10 y/o child. After years of maintaining a porn addiction, a non-existent sex life with my wife, and being a generally poor excuse for a husband, she moved out after I caught her deep in an affair, her 2nd in close succession, in early summer 2010. While apart, I worked on myself, while also seeing other women, and my wife went to school while living with a new much older manipulative/controlling lover. About six months after he left the picture (to jail, he apparently had a thing for much, much younger women/girls), my wife and I reconnected and started casually "dating" again to see if we could reconcile. During that time we came within a hair of divorce (literally canceled it the day before the final court hearing I think) and went through all kinds of messy drama. She moved back home about 19 months ago in June of 2013.
Update: After she had a few months of individual counseling this past fall, she finally opened up to me about a few things in early December (last month) regarding trust issues she has, and her fear regarding being sexual with me. She shared that her fear was that if we became sexual again, that it wouldn't be long before I would escalate things and start pushing us towards having sex with other people or something similar. She didn't want to have her trust broken that way again, and be put in a similar situation of potentially giving into something she didn't want to do in order to please me, while destroying herself emotionally. I understood completely, we talked, and it was a good talk. Afterwards, for the first time in nearly five years, my wife and I had sex.
The way I put that just sounds so childish, like a teenager bragging or something, but thats all it was for now. It wasn't really "making love" it wasn't full of passion, it wasn't wild, it was just sex. For the time being, I'm ok with that. I can't imagine it would have been possible for it to be any more than that considering the circumstances. We needed a "break the ice" experience. Since then we'd had sex about four or five times, including one time when she jumped me in the middle of the night that was quite exciting.
Each experience has still been somewhat awkward, not at all natural for most loving couples I'm sure. But each experience is improving for both of us, culminating in that most recent middle of the night experience, so I'm feeling good about the progress. It might seem strange to some that I'm focusing all on the sex stuff, but honestly, the "sex stuff" is the only real ingredient that has been missing from our marriage since the reconciliation.
I'm certainly not updating now to present us as a "success story" or even a "We did it and so can you!" type of thing. We're still working on it, and nothing is ever 100% certain, so it is what it is. I will say that at the moment, we're fully committed to each other. We just recently merged our previously separated bank accounts together again, and are starting to put money away so that we can think about a house upgrade in a couple of years, so those seem like good signs as well.
Who knows what the future will bring, but for now I thought a few folks here might like an update, so here it is.
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