I am reposting here from another site. I was referred here, and think that advice I see given is sound (I have been lurking for a bit).
That is my story. Here is some amplifying information: Since then, I basically swept it under the rug. I never dealt with it the way I should have. I was young, dumb, and did not have the resources available to me then as I do now (including this site). We have stayed together, and up until the last few months, I didn't needle her about it. As far as she was concerned, we were past it and it was all but forgotten. Over this time, it has truly eaten me. Deployments are murder on me, with me always worrying.
Last September, we have this argument over facebook chat (we are in a LDR right now due to military orders) and she starts mentioning that she is lonely. Then she loves me but isn't in love with me. Then she says she doesn't want to stay with me just because it is comfortable and safe. After this argument, a few days later, she says she was just upset and lonely, and didn't mean any of it. Then in October, she starts facebook researching one of her other ex's (and doesn't tell me about it). This goes on for about a week, and she doesn't find anything (he didn't have a profile at the time). In November, we were back home (funeral) and we are alone in the car. I don't even remember what we were talking about, but she mentions that she was looking him up. She knows that I hate her ex's after the first incident, and after that we agreed that she would never ever attempt to make contact or have anything to do with them ever again because of it. I get pissed. I was grippi ng the steering wheel so tight that I am surprised it still doesn't have finger indentions in it. I blow up on her, and she says she was only doing it to see how far he had fallen, that she had heard he had turned to meth and been arrested and she wanted to see how he turned out. My mind sees me being away (just like boot camp) and her searching out ex's on the computer (just like boot camp), all after we had that argument in September. At this point I snooped her history and saw what she was searching. I also found that she had tried to get his address a few times, once a couple of years ago and once this past spring. She said it was to send sympathy cards when he had relatives die (we are from a pretty small area and she knows his family too). She never told me about any of it.
Here is the twist: This basically broke me mentally and opened up everything that I have bottled up the last decade. I am realizing that I never dealt with it before. When we have fought about it, she has told me to just 'get over it', that she never went to his house and she doesn't see it as cheating.
So, I want to do the therapy bit (MC), and she does too, but we are 1000 miles apart with separate careers, and wont be living together again for about 2 more years. I am leaning towards us doing separate counseling until we can be together.
Am I wrong....to me this is cheating, as much as if she went and screwed this guy. I ask for details now, that I should have done then, and she says she doesn't remember. To me, something as big as going to some other guys house to screw around on your husband should be something that kind of sticks in your mind.....I am not asking for a minute by minute breakdown, but more like 'who initiated contact', 'was it by phone or computer only', etc.
I just really wonder if I will ever get over it. I am to the point of not sleeping well (havent since September, really), not trusting her, eating like crap and just generally being miserable. I am basically alone (no family, no real friends that I can talk to about this) here, and won't talk to family about it because I don't want anybody to know.
Sorry if this seems like rambling. I will be here to answer what questions I can. I get busy from time to time, but I will keep checking this thread. Just talking about it helps some, but I need to get this figured out.
Quote:
| This is a fairly long story, but I am going to try to keep it as short as I can. About 11 years ago, I met the woman that would become my wife. She had just gotten out of a three month relationship with a guy. They would meet at a hotel and screw, she would pay. Then she would go to work, and he would go wherever. Eventually, they broke up. I got with her in the winter. Admitedly, we got married quickly (as in a few months later). While we were dating, I was going through the process to join the Navy. I went to boot camp, and spent 2.5 months in Chicago. During that time, her a$shole ex boyfriend started messaging her on AIM. He convinced her over the time I was gone to go see him. She agreed, and they set a time and date. She was supposed to go down after my graduation from boot camp, that evening, before she had to leave the state again to go back to California. I was locked down in Chicago, as I was leaving the next day. I had no idea this was going on at all. We spent my graduation day together, then parted ways. She was supposed to go back to California after visiting 'family' in Illinois (we both have family there), then follow me to my next location for school. About a month and a half later, she does just that, and we are together. We have an apartment, and are setting our things up. One day, I come home from school and am checking my email on the computer. I notice a weird username on the AIM client on the desktop, and when I click on it, it opens up the chat window. I recognize the name and view the history log associated with the username and read the chat history and found out everything. The chat logs say that she was supposed to go to his house, and they were going to screw. She wasn't home at the time, and I was fuming. She gets home and I let her have it. I start asking questions, want to know exactly what is going on. She at first tries to lie about it, then I pull up the chat logs and she realizes she can't. She says that she didn't end up going, that she called him and said she couldn't do that to me. That she was afraid of being married, that we moved to fast (ironically enough, that was her idea). She swore up and down that she would never do anything like that again. I was beyond livid. I left. While I was gone, I called her sister and asked how much she knew about what had gone on. She told me nothing. I still don't know if that was true or not. I also have never confirmed that she did not go to his house (no real way to do that). When I got back, I started packing a bag. Not for her. I was packing to take a road trip and go beat his ass. She knew what I was going to do and talked me out of it. She begged me not to leave her (or really to not kick her out). Ever since then, I have had her email passwords, phone unlock codes, facebook passwords, etc. I check ever so often. But, my problem is that I have never really gotten over it. In the back of my head, I always worry that it is going to happen again. What bothers me more is when we are apart, ever so often she will accuse me of cheating on her. I have been nothing but loyal to her, never even thought of messing around. I worry that this is deflection of her messing around and trying to keep attention off of her. Am I messed up? Am I ever going to get over this, or will I always be this way. It has been 10 years and I still can't shake the feeling. Most of the time I am fine, but there is always that thought in my subconcious. |
Last September, we have this argument over facebook chat (we are in a LDR right now due to military orders) and she starts mentioning that she is lonely. Then she loves me but isn't in love with me. Then she says she doesn't want to stay with me just because it is comfortable and safe. After this argument, a few days later, she says she was just upset and lonely, and didn't mean any of it. Then in October, she starts facebook researching one of her other ex's (and doesn't tell me about it). This goes on for about a week, and she doesn't find anything (he didn't have a profile at the time). In November, we were back home (funeral) and we are alone in the car. I don't even remember what we were talking about, but she mentions that she was looking him up. She knows that I hate her ex's after the first incident, and after that we agreed that she would never ever attempt to make contact or have anything to do with them ever again because of it. I get pissed. I was grippi ng the steering wheel so tight that I am surprised it still doesn't have finger indentions in it. I blow up on her, and she says she was only doing it to see how far he had fallen, that she had heard he had turned to meth and been arrested and she wanted to see how he turned out. My mind sees me being away (just like boot camp) and her searching out ex's on the computer (just like boot camp), all after we had that argument in September. At this point I snooped her history and saw what she was searching. I also found that she had tried to get his address a few times, once a couple of years ago and once this past spring. She said it was to send sympathy cards when he had relatives die (we are from a pretty small area and she knows his family too). She never told me about any of it.
Here is the twist: This basically broke me mentally and opened up everything that I have bottled up the last decade. I am realizing that I never dealt with it before. When we have fought about it, she has told me to just 'get over it', that she never went to his house and she doesn't see it as cheating.
So, I want to do the therapy bit (MC), and she does too, but we are 1000 miles apart with separate careers, and wont be living together again for about 2 more years. I am leaning towards us doing separate counseling until we can be together.
Am I wrong....to me this is cheating, as much as if she went and screwed this guy. I ask for details now, that I should have done then, and she says she doesn't remember. To me, something as big as going to some other guys house to screw around on your husband should be something that kind of sticks in your mind.....I am not asking for a minute by minute breakdown, but more like 'who initiated contact', 'was it by phone or computer only', etc.
I just really wonder if I will ever get over it. I am to the point of not sleeping well (havent since September, really), not trusting her, eating like crap and just generally being miserable. I am basically alone (no family, no real friends that I can talk to about this) here, and won't talk to family about it because I don't want anybody to know.
Sorry if this seems like rambling. I will be here to answer what questions I can. I get busy from time to time, but I will keep checking this thread. Just talking about it helps some, but I need to get this figured out.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment