Withholding sex

My wife & I have been married for 23 years and are generally happy. My problem is that she has always withheld sex if I do something even minor that annoys her. As an example: she mentioned the other night that I should repair cars on the side for extra money. I told her, "I know I put all new brakes on the car Saturday and can do MOST of the repairs needed on our car but I don't have the tools, skills or time to repair all car problems." I already work 50 hours a week and am involved in my 2 boys Boy Scout troop on several weekend campouts a year. I wanted to say " You've been a stay at home mom for 14 years earning $5,000 per year with a bachelors in business administration degree. Don't you think you could do more?" But things would spiral out of control quickly and that wouldn't end well. So me turning down the mechanic idea led to her being "exhausted" which in my marriage is code for don't even bother tonight. This happens a lot. To the point where we have sex maybe 3 times a month.

I'm seeing this as her way to control me. I've talked to her about it but she denies it and the cycle continues. I'm thinking about just shutting down our sex life but deep down I know that would lead to the end of our marriage. I tried re-connecting emotionally with her every evening by relaxing on the couch with her. Hand holding, make out sessions etc. . She seemed to really enjoy this for a couple of weeks and so did I. I really thought we'd turned a corner. The frequent sex was great. Then all of the sudden it was like she flipped a switch and I needed to be controlled again. Any suggestions on ways to help my wife to see what she's doing?

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