Trying to work through some marriage difficulties... I am unfortunately very opinionated and want things my way. I feel my husband is the same way in many ways, he just doesn't act it out as emotionally as I do.
Both my husband and myself have been married before. I had a horrendous 16 year marriage-- but have 3 amazing step kids from that marriage that I adore. My husband has an adorable and spoiled 7 year old son-- I can't stand his ex wife.... that is the root of a lot of our fights. Along with fighting over money and how things should be done of course thrown into the mix....
My husband was an only child raised in a VERY rich community on the East Coast. (divorced parents when he was young) had a ton of freedom, and lots of extremely rich friends. I don't feel he had much discipline or structure, and very little to no guidance...
I was a middle child raised in Alaska, with super uper duper strict parents. We were definitely low to middle class-- but that is most of Alaska. Totally different upbringings. I was a rebel, did not like rules -- ran away from home and went into foster care at end of my senior year in high school. I was way too guided and purposely feared into everything-- everything was taught to be fear driven... My dad ruled as a dictator in our household, and unfortunately I think I have followed suit, and it is just so driven into my bones, and what my norm is, I don't know how to change that-- In my own reality, my beliefs are just the gospel and there is no other way. Makes for a hard time being in a relationship.
So much to write I guess, not sure where to start.
Our latest fight has caused my husband to state he wants a divorce if I don't change. So thus why I am here. I promised I would get counseling. I absolutely adore my husband and really don't want to lose him. But in reality am VERY bitter now that he would throw the word divorce out there, and makes me feel alone and not trusting of him anymore.
So our latest fight is over his ex wife (again)... back story to this... when I met my husband he asked me to become friends with his exwife, because she had no friends and he wanted to her to move to our area-- she was living about 45 minutes away with his son-- they shared custody. I thought that was super weird, but eventually caved and her and I started hanging out and going out for drinks and going on walks-- she did not know that I was dating her EX... she just knew that I was friends with him. Eventually he let her know that he was dating me and that is when things got really weird. She wanted to do everything with us-- if we were going to the movies or bowling or anything she wanted to come -- I was not up for that-- but my husband tried to convince me to do it-- because his ex wife had the power over how much he could see his son. She would also try and constantly prove to me how much power she had over him when we would go out, she would always be texting him and go ing over to his house whenever she wanted (she had divorced him, but it was apparent she still wanted him to be in her pocket and not move on). The first huge ordeal came when we decided to go camping for a week during the summer and she wanted to come with us--- I said ABSOLUTELY NOT... my husband (boyfriend at the time) tried to convince me otherwise--- which to me is just freaking looney-- well when he finally broke the news to her that she couldn't come-- she decided to move away again (she had in the mean time moved to our same town). and she wanted to enforce the actual parenting plan-- which gave my husband every other weekend--- versus the pretty much 50/50 custody that had been sharing. Because of course she wanted to exert her control. So we hired an attorney and put a restraining order on her from moving his son-- we after a year in court won 47% custody-- and won that my step son has to attend school in our school district.... so that was awesome-- but $25,000 an d one year of stress -- made me dislike her even more-- ...
I have been very clear with my husband that I want separate lives from his EX -- (this is what he considers me controlling everything)... I understand they have to joint parent their son-- (I have raised 3 prior step kids for 16 years).... But I don't want to do joint birthday parties, and joint camping trips and if we can avoid it-- I would like to just be as separate as possible. She still tries to control my husband and in reality is still in love with him-- when she is inappropriate like posting pictures of him and her as her facebook cover page --when he is married to me-- he thinks I am nuts for thinking that is ludacris and wanting him to address these things. I feel he encourages her behavior and leads her on-- I think he does it on purpose to have more control of when he wants more time with their son -- or to keep the peace. But as the wife-- I think it is very rude to not say something-- like hey that is inappropriate and I am married, please stop doing that. She wants him very badly back in her life-- and he doesn't put up boundaries on a consistent basis. He will do it sometimes, but as soon as he is somewhat nice to her again-- she starts the cycle all over.
So our latest fight -- revolves around his EXS new best friend... she has bonded with a lady from Cub scouts that my step son is in. She does everything with her and their kids-- they go to church together, hang out every weekend together, and so on and so forth-- well my husband announced to me that he really likes this ladies husband and wants to start hanging out with him more along with the kids-- my husband does not have any close friends in our area (they all live on East Coast)... so he has in reality really been trying to find friends that are our age and have kids that are the same age to play with.... Well... I throw a fit and say absolutely NOT I do not want to hang out with his EX'S best friend's husband and their kids-- I think that it is super inappropriate-- I tried to lay down the law... and to be in my head it is freaking ludacris. I can't get her far enough away from us-- and now he wants to have mutual friends-- he even said that-- he thinks that it is in h is sons best interest to have mutual friends.
So anyways after me laying down the law, I got the texts from my husband that he is done, and that he is sick of me controlling his life and who he can have as friends, etc. and in reality I am extremely controlling. But some of this stuff to me is black and white.
I feel that he knows how much I want to not be around his EX or have her in our lives, and then he constantly pulls stuff like this... his new demands are that I need to stop being so controlling about his EX..
I know it sounds like I am jealous... BUT she is not attractive what so ever, and super annoying-- I know my husband does not like or love her in anyway... so it is not a jealousy thing. I just want him to respect his current wife (me) and put me first and stop allowing his EX to creep into our lives. I want him to at all costs protect his wife and want to make me happy and strive to make sure that I am #1. and I know that He knows that his EX still has a thing for him, and I know he knows he manipulates her by using that -- but he constantly denies it.
Soooo I am needing to figure all of this out--- I need to figure out how to not care. and I need to learn how to react differently instead of putting down ultimatums and constantly laying down the law. I need to learn to communicate differently so that I can be a better person. I really love my husband, and eventhough we fight a lot, it would have never crossed my mind to divorce. It has never entered my mind-- even when we have blow outs. So needing to find out how to deal with all of this.
Both my husband and myself have been married before. I had a horrendous 16 year marriage-- but have 3 amazing step kids from that marriage that I adore. My husband has an adorable and spoiled 7 year old son-- I can't stand his ex wife.... that is the root of a lot of our fights. Along with fighting over money and how things should be done of course thrown into the mix....
My husband was an only child raised in a VERY rich community on the East Coast. (divorced parents when he was young) had a ton of freedom, and lots of extremely rich friends. I don't feel he had much discipline or structure, and very little to no guidance...
I was a middle child raised in Alaska, with super uper duper strict parents. We were definitely low to middle class-- but that is most of Alaska. Totally different upbringings. I was a rebel, did not like rules -- ran away from home and went into foster care at end of my senior year in high school. I was way too guided and purposely feared into everything-- everything was taught to be fear driven... My dad ruled as a dictator in our household, and unfortunately I think I have followed suit, and it is just so driven into my bones, and what my norm is, I don't know how to change that-- In my own reality, my beliefs are just the gospel and there is no other way. Makes for a hard time being in a relationship.
So much to write I guess, not sure where to start.
Our latest fight has caused my husband to state he wants a divorce if I don't change. So thus why I am here. I promised I would get counseling. I absolutely adore my husband and really don't want to lose him. But in reality am VERY bitter now that he would throw the word divorce out there, and makes me feel alone and not trusting of him anymore.
So our latest fight is over his ex wife (again)... back story to this... when I met my husband he asked me to become friends with his exwife, because she had no friends and he wanted to her to move to our area-- she was living about 45 minutes away with his son-- they shared custody. I thought that was super weird, but eventually caved and her and I started hanging out and going out for drinks and going on walks-- she did not know that I was dating her EX... she just knew that I was friends with him. Eventually he let her know that he was dating me and that is when things got really weird. She wanted to do everything with us-- if we were going to the movies or bowling or anything she wanted to come -- I was not up for that-- but my husband tried to convince me to do it-- because his ex wife had the power over how much he could see his son. She would also try and constantly prove to me how much power she had over him when we would go out, she would always be texting him and go ing over to his house whenever she wanted (she had divorced him, but it was apparent she still wanted him to be in her pocket and not move on). The first huge ordeal came when we decided to go camping for a week during the summer and she wanted to come with us--- I said ABSOLUTELY NOT... my husband (boyfriend at the time) tried to convince me otherwise--- which to me is just freaking looney-- well when he finally broke the news to her that she couldn't come-- she decided to move away again (she had in the mean time moved to our same town). and she wanted to enforce the actual parenting plan-- which gave my husband every other weekend--- versus the pretty much 50/50 custody that had been sharing. Because of course she wanted to exert her control. So we hired an attorney and put a restraining order on her from moving his son-- we after a year in court won 47% custody-- and won that my step son has to attend school in our school district.... so that was awesome-- but $25,000 an d one year of stress -- made me dislike her even more-- ...
I have been very clear with my husband that I want separate lives from his EX -- (this is what he considers me controlling everything)... I understand they have to joint parent their son-- (I have raised 3 prior step kids for 16 years).... But I don't want to do joint birthday parties, and joint camping trips and if we can avoid it-- I would like to just be as separate as possible. She still tries to control my husband and in reality is still in love with him-- when she is inappropriate like posting pictures of him and her as her facebook cover page --when he is married to me-- he thinks I am nuts for thinking that is ludacris and wanting him to address these things. I feel he encourages her behavior and leads her on-- I think he does it on purpose to have more control of when he wants more time with their son -- or to keep the peace. But as the wife-- I think it is very rude to not say something-- like hey that is inappropriate and I am married, please stop doing that. She wants him very badly back in her life-- and he doesn't put up boundaries on a consistent basis. He will do it sometimes, but as soon as he is somewhat nice to her again-- she starts the cycle all over.
So our latest fight -- revolves around his EXS new best friend... she has bonded with a lady from Cub scouts that my step son is in. She does everything with her and their kids-- they go to church together, hang out every weekend together, and so on and so forth-- well my husband announced to me that he really likes this ladies husband and wants to start hanging out with him more along with the kids-- my husband does not have any close friends in our area (they all live on East Coast)... so he has in reality really been trying to find friends that are our age and have kids that are the same age to play with.... Well... I throw a fit and say absolutely NOT I do not want to hang out with his EX'S best friend's husband and their kids-- I think that it is super inappropriate-- I tried to lay down the law... and to be in my head it is freaking ludacris. I can't get her far enough away from us-- and now he wants to have mutual friends-- he even said that-- he thinks that it is in h is sons best interest to have mutual friends.
So anyways after me laying down the law, I got the texts from my husband that he is done, and that he is sick of me controlling his life and who he can have as friends, etc. and in reality I am extremely controlling. But some of this stuff to me is black and white.
I feel that he knows how much I want to not be around his EX or have her in our lives, and then he constantly pulls stuff like this... his new demands are that I need to stop being so controlling about his EX..
I know it sounds like I am jealous... BUT she is not attractive what so ever, and super annoying-- I know my husband does not like or love her in anyway... so it is not a jealousy thing. I just want him to respect his current wife (me) and put me first and stop allowing his EX to creep into our lives. I want him to at all costs protect his wife and want to make me happy and strive to make sure that I am #1. and I know that He knows that his EX still has a thing for him, and I know he knows he manipulates her by using that -- but he constantly denies it.
Soooo I am needing to figure all of this out--- I need to figure out how to not care. and I need to learn how to react differently instead of putting down ultimatums and constantly laying down the law. I need to learn to communicate differently so that I can be a better person. I really love my husband, and eventhough we fight a lot, it would have never crossed my mind to divorce. It has never entered my mind-- even when we have blow outs. So needing to find out how to deal with all of this.
Put the internet to work for you.
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