Hello all,
Today is 2-weeks from D-Day. My WW are in counseling now and have had a couple of breakthroughs. I don't want to share my full story right now as it is so painful for me to recount everything.
The short story is that my wife of 11 years had a 4+ month affair with a MUCH younger man and we are trying to work it out.
I am in emotional hell though. I can't get my mind off of it. It is affecting my work (I'm on the clock right now), my sleep and it feels like this will NEVER END.
I love this woman and I believe she loves me too. After her initial wall of "I don't know how I feel. I need time to figure it out blah blah blah.", I wrote her a four page letter that put it all on the line, explaining how selfish she was in doing what she did and in trying to set the rules and tone in the immediate aftermath.
She came home bawling and telling me how sorry she is, etc.
We talked with the MC a little about my feelings of inadequacy, and he framed it in a way that makes logical sense.....that it wasn't really about the sex (same thing the wife says), and not to beat myself up trying to compete with a 22-year old (I'm 37) because it isn't realistic (men get better as sexual partners as we get older, but won't have the stamina or eagerness of younger men, who tend to be more selfish in bed).
I've accepted the fact that it happened, but I can't help but feel that my wife will never have that sense of excitement with me that she had with her AP.
I'm also perturbed by the moments of tenderness they had. I worry that she will never see me again as someone she can share that with or feel the drive she once had for intimacy with me.
We have had sex a few times, but always at my initiation. It has seemed like a chore to her. She says right now she just doesn't have any drive at all, and I want to believe her but in light of all of the lies and betrayal part of me wonders if it's because she just can't get those feelings about me. She says she wants her drive to come back and she "wants to want to" but is dealing with the stress on our marriage and the sudden end to her secret life and the things about it that made her feel beautiful and wanted (this kid knew how to push her buttons). She said that she doesn't love him but does have feelings for him as she can't sleep with someone without some kind of emotional attachment.
While I can comprehend all of the different ways of looking at this and know that time, patience and hard work can help, I am ruled by fears and needs.
I don't know how to function any more. All of my hobbies and interests now seem dull. Life just seems hopeless. I can deal with a lot of pain, but this is SO RAW.
I'm hoping someone (mostly men in my situation) can offer some tips on how to get through the initial aftermath of this and stay sane.
Thanks for reading.
Today is 2-weeks from D-Day. My WW are in counseling now and have had a couple of breakthroughs. I don't want to share my full story right now as it is so painful for me to recount everything.
The short story is that my wife of 11 years had a 4+ month affair with a MUCH younger man and we are trying to work it out.
I am in emotional hell though. I can't get my mind off of it. It is affecting my work (I'm on the clock right now), my sleep and it feels like this will NEVER END.
I love this woman and I believe she loves me too. After her initial wall of "I don't know how I feel. I need time to figure it out blah blah blah.", I wrote her a four page letter that put it all on the line, explaining how selfish she was in doing what she did and in trying to set the rules and tone in the immediate aftermath.
She came home bawling and telling me how sorry she is, etc.
We talked with the MC a little about my feelings of inadequacy, and he framed it in a way that makes logical sense.....that it wasn't really about the sex (same thing the wife says), and not to beat myself up trying to compete with a 22-year old (I'm 37) because it isn't realistic (men get better as sexual partners as we get older, but won't have the stamina or eagerness of younger men, who tend to be more selfish in bed).
I've accepted the fact that it happened, but I can't help but feel that my wife will never have that sense of excitement with me that she had with her AP.
I'm also perturbed by the moments of tenderness they had. I worry that she will never see me again as someone she can share that with or feel the drive she once had for intimacy with me.
We have had sex a few times, but always at my initiation. It has seemed like a chore to her. She says right now she just doesn't have any drive at all, and I want to believe her but in light of all of the lies and betrayal part of me wonders if it's because she just can't get those feelings about me. She says she wants her drive to come back and she "wants to want to" but is dealing with the stress on our marriage and the sudden end to her secret life and the things about it that made her feel beautiful and wanted (this kid knew how to push her buttons). She said that she doesn't love him but does have feelings for him as she can't sleep with someone without some kind of emotional attachment.
While I can comprehend all of the different ways of looking at this and know that time, patience and hard work can help, I am ruled by fears and needs.
I don't know how to function any more. All of my hobbies and interests now seem dull. Life just seems hopeless. I can deal with a lot of pain, but this is SO RAW.
I'm hoping someone (mostly men in my situation) can offer some tips on how to get through the initial aftermath of this and stay sane.
Thanks for reading.
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