I'm not sure where to put this post, but this seems like the right place. My wife and I have caused each other a lot of hurt over the last few months. We only got married 8 months ago but had been together many years. I left after four months. Because we live in NYC, it was very hard to find short term housing. I signed a year lease for an apt but was always clear I considered it temporary and would leave early if we decided to try to reconcile. But I did not define the seperation well at all, in hindsight.
That's because I left because I was having an affair and felt too guilty to confess. I ended the affair and began the process of asking to R, but then a friend told my wife she saw I had a profile on a dating site. I did, but it was almost out of boredom. I have since deleted it and am not seeing anyone. I am in therapy, I have understood a great deal about myself and what led to these problems. (Abused as a child, Nice guy syndrome, etc.) and am working through these. I also came to see my relationship was not the problem, and I want to return to it.
When I wanted to R, my wife was expressing hope and saying her love for me was returning before she found out about the dating profile (she does not know about the affair.) After she found out, her attitude changed. I know she has seen several men, including a few trips out of town with different ones. I recognize from my own affair that she is probably in a fog. I had been trying to see her once a week to keep up contact but I feel that is no longer productive and I'm feeling much less needy right now.
She still lives in our old apartment, and both our names are on the lease. Though I moved almost all my possessions out, I want to pack a bag and move back in. I want to explain the things I need from her to work on R. And if she is committed to seeing these other men, I think she should be the one to leave the apartment. I would file for divorce if I had to, if the situation didn't improve.
This goes against every instinct I have, which is to give her time, to be nice to her, not to pressure her. And I of course am the one who got us into this mess. But I'm thinking about the shock aspect and what I can do. I can't decide if moving back in, which I can legally do, is going too far. But I think sleeping on the couch and forcing us to confront what is happening is better than skulking away to my apt and seeing her once a week while she goes out around town with these guys. Please, give me your advice, and thank you.
That's because I left because I was having an affair and felt too guilty to confess. I ended the affair and began the process of asking to R, but then a friend told my wife she saw I had a profile on a dating site. I did, but it was almost out of boredom. I have since deleted it and am not seeing anyone. I am in therapy, I have understood a great deal about myself and what led to these problems. (Abused as a child, Nice guy syndrome, etc.) and am working through these. I also came to see my relationship was not the problem, and I want to return to it.
When I wanted to R, my wife was expressing hope and saying her love for me was returning before she found out about the dating profile (she does not know about the affair.) After she found out, her attitude changed. I know she has seen several men, including a few trips out of town with different ones. I recognize from my own affair that she is probably in a fog. I had been trying to see her once a week to keep up contact but I feel that is no longer productive and I'm feeling much less needy right now.
She still lives in our old apartment, and both our names are on the lease. Though I moved almost all my possessions out, I want to pack a bag and move back in. I want to explain the things I need from her to work on R. And if she is committed to seeing these other men, I think she should be the one to leave the apartment. I would file for divorce if I had to, if the situation didn't improve.
This goes against every instinct I have, which is to give her time, to be nice to her, not to pressure her. And I of course am the one who got us into this mess. But I'm thinking about the shock aspect and what I can do. I can't decide if moving back in, which I can legally do, is going too far. But I think sleeping on the couch and forcing us to confront what is happening is better than skulking away to my apt and seeing her once a week while she goes out around town with these guys. Please, give me your advice, and thank you.
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