Married almost 20 years. 2 beautiful children- 1 freshman in college 1 freshmen high school. My wife and I own a business together and have worked side by side now 12+ years. It has been a challenge at time being around each other 24/7 but we have had a super relationship and always worked through the issues to be happy and seemingly content. We had been active church goers for almost as long as we have been married but have fallen off our spiritual commitment after an unfortunate church incident. We have lived in another part of the country away from our home/family/friends for 14 years now and have only a few true friends- most are still back east that we stay in contact with Facebook. Sexually we are off the charts and enjoy every moment together.
Here we go....
I met my wife in college and I chased her for 3 years eventually becoming intimate late senior year once but she still kept her distance. After that she still played the game and really didn't commit to a relationship partly because school was going to end in a couple of months and who knew where anyone was going to end up.
Graduation happened and I was about to move on but we ended up spending an amazing summer together that was one for the ages. We feel deeply in love and eventually moved in together about 10 months later. A few years passed and just before we got married I found an old sketchbook/journal of hers from senior year at college... she wrote several passage about a flame in college that I knew which she had kindred/passionate feelings for but at the time he was in a serious relationship with another person. He was a handsome and charming guy that I could see my wife light up when she was around him. Never thought much about it but I did notice since we weren't dating. Soon after college he eventually married his long time girlfriend and after about 16 years (2 years ago) recently divorced.
Going back to the journal I saw where see wrote about our first time together, I literally turned the page and there was a passage which referenced a night she had been intimate together with this other guy during a particular movie- just a few short weeks after we had been together for the first time. She wrote in the journal how she professed her "love for him that he'll never know." It was a fling and he kept dating his girlfriend and she kept having feelings for him and never told him as far as I know.
Right or wrong at the time I confronted her and she told me about her feelings that she had for him but time had passed and she was with me and that is all that mattered is what I vaguely remember- a lot running through my head at the time. Overall I look back and her explanation never sat well with me or was entirely convincing. We managed to work through things and life went on. We eventually got married a couple of years later- had incredible children, grew even closer together spiritually, sexually never any issues, had great careers and then we moved across country several years later where we still reside.
A few years back my wife got into Facebook and eventually connected with all our friends from college and eventually her old flame (more hers than his I believe). He eventually friend requested me which I thought why not and accepted.
Over time I saw the banter back and forth between them on FB. He eventually separated from his wife and divorced two years ago (they have two beautiful kids). My wife was close friends to them in school but didn't keep in contact until this happened. She exchanged emails and spoke to them both at length separately on the phone but there was never a "we have to save their marriage" and intervention like we did with a couple of other friends marriages that failed or were failing.
Coincidentally his farther had left him and his mother about the same age as his kids at the time and it was a self-fulfilling prophecy that he was destined to the same fate- from my standpoint he has seemed to brush things under the table on FB. Comments like "Oh the kids are cool with this and my new apartment" etc., each parent tries to out-duel the other on FB in front of friends and family with the time they spend with their kids with postings…He posts selfies left and right and trumps his new found freedom...very very sad. We found out that he worked/traveled a lot and the wife discovered he was fooling around with someone at the office. Again not one to judge but not the best character for leaving her and the kids. She was and is still devastated. Months go by and he starts endorsing her on Linkedin weekly, even posting flashbacks to college from time to time and listing a bunch of people including my wife. She would Like the majority of his posts but never the wife's.
At the time we were going through some challenges due to business stress and both her parents being ill. Eventually my wife's father passed which was devastating to her. I didn't know how to handle it and should have been more consoling / inquiring but from the outside she stayed strong and didn't break down much. Her mom moved in to our house and things were very tense. She never had a close relationship with her mom so this meant alot. We honestly never thought deeply about this impact to our lives. This was also the last year our daughter would be in the house and soon heading out to college. My daughter desperately wanted to go back home and get out of dodge. My mother-in-law has headed back home for a good part of the year so we get back on track and have worked through things and are in a very good spot. Last year she came down with her 3 bought of cancer which has forced her to stay there so we have had an extended time together. Mom is doing well and will get her last treatment in a few months - then will head back to live with us again- I am looking forward to it so I can make a difference and embrace this differently now.
I have always been cursed with this sixth sense about people and I am usually right 9 times out of 10 about people's character, intentions or motivations. I feel that FB allows her to peer into his life without being there. Last year on Valentines Day as I was walking by her office (Glass walls) as I see her answer her mobile phone and bang there goes that smiling facial glow I had seen before. I just knew it was probably him- it had been years. She didn't say much and walked out the door to the restroom. She eventually came back and stayed in her office for a while. That afternoon I asked who it was and she said it was him- BAM! Curiously I asked what was the reason and she said she thought a local Convention related to his business that happened to take part at our facility would be something of interest to him- she had invited him clear cross country for the event. Wow…needless to say I was incredibly upset- he never made the trip but this caused a short rift between us which we eventually worked through.
Soon after her flames father passed – so there was this connection that seemed all too familiar from my standpoint. I believe they spoke and found comfort in speaking to each other due to the series of life events that happened to them both.
My insecurity has grown to be consuming at times as I just feel she is always has this clear insight into his life through FB that infuriates me. There is this lingering "what if now that he is single again- just keeps wearing me down". We have each other passwords because we own the business together and any emails between them end where one my wife writes to him
"I do have a lot to ask and to share and look forward to reconnecting soon. So wish it could be over a good glass (bottle) of wine. Lots of love…"
This escalated to exchange that my wife suggested they should talk talk via Skype with each other while I was away on business shortly she offered doing it over a glass of wine with winks.
My mortality has been lingering in my mind and the what if - would she go back with him if something happened to me has been floating in my mind....really not healthy I understand.
Overall I am head over heels in love with this woman. Our family means the world to us and we work hard day in and day out to enjoy life, business and each other. Business puts an added burden but we talk and deal with each issue and resolve in a loving way. She is so intelligent and compassionate and everyone just is drawn to her because she is one of the true people persons. I have ALWAYS felt fortunate that I am married to her and that she is mine and I am hers. For me I am outgoing but more serious... business has hardened me, used to travel out which I LOVE... my compassionate side has diminished over the years. I believe she deeply loves me as well.
We travel and like the finer things in life. Sexually things are off the charts between us and we mutually satisfy each other in amazing ways. My wife is an emotional person which has been amplified by her dad's passing- also being so far from home and old friends for all these years she taken a toll - this has been a source of conflict and case where she shares about being unhappy at times. My daughter is now in college back home and my wife truly lives vicariously through her - she even lives in her old woman's boarding house in the SAME room. Thrill for my wife- not so much for my daughter. We didn't get back much over the years but since our daughter is there in college we have been back 6 out of the last 8 months.
Last week while I was traveling we had an incident that I self-inflicted by checking up on her- she was not happy and accusing me of always needing to know what she was doing – which I am guilty off which again - reasons I detailed above. I began to worry how my insecurity was getting in the way of things. I got home and we made up and got back on track. This is truly an amazing aspect of our life that we can talk through this, cry together and get past things.
I see my issue of needing to know and have a desire to come to terms with it...that next day as I was spinning this last episode through my head trying work out the reasoning and rationale. I soon realized that the journal (yes its still around in our treasure chest of photos and memories) and her writings for this other man and Facebook is at the root of the issue. I pull the book out and reread what I hadn't laid eyes on over 20 years ago. It became painful again but I kept it inside and just dealt with it.
You can't script for this stuff… That evening we head over to some friends house for a dinner and don't you know the satellite radio station starts playing the songs / soundtrack of "that movie" that my wife was intimate with this other guy. Not a song or two but all the songs spaced out for almost three hours!! WOW! She even said to everyone "I haven't seen this movie in years" laughingly…"we don't ever listen to them – not sure why" Well what do you think is going through my head...
To add insult to injury she recently reached out through FB to another flame (also in the journal) she had feelings for and invited him to participate in a business effort we have going on with our business. Again out of the blue and a total stretch. At this point I am on high alert. This is compounding things a great deal- lots of questions- is she searching for something- am I not giving her something that she is lacking. Is this a mid-life for her? Etc etc etc.
She is now on a business trip visiting our daughter and will be back tomorrow. During the resolution of our last tat- I had eluded to wanting a deeper conversation but didn't go into details. My goal and hope is to share my deepest concerns, insecurities and desire for her to purge this/these persons/events from our lives once and for all.
I want to share my issue then lovingly ask her to unfriend him from all social media and destroy these journals based on what this is doing to our marriage or has the potential to do- need to refocus and move forward. My concern is that she has this kindred connection with this guy and wants / feels she needs to hold onto this relationship leading to her getting very upset and causing a deep rift/resentment that will linger in our relationship.
Is this selfish of me?
Am I justified?
Am I overreacting?
Do we need counseling?
Really need help from the group with any advice as to how I should approach this or if I am the one who needs help-not sure anymore.
In business I take no prisoners and am very successful handling global corporations and very demanding projects. I too can be demanding but have pride in every aspect of my life- family,wife, business/career. I truly believe she is my soul mate- I sadly don't have that confidence she thinks I am hers- no reason other than gut.
The uncertainty and insecurity related to this matter is causing me to loose control- I feel and that it will continue to impact our marriage if not dealt with… I want to put this behind us love this woman unconditionally and unequivocally but I am really not sure how to tee this issue up/express my position with full disclosure /demand will play out….
HELP!! Thoughts?
Here we go....
I met my wife in college and I chased her for 3 years eventually becoming intimate late senior year once but she still kept her distance. After that she still played the game and really didn't commit to a relationship partly because school was going to end in a couple of months and who knew where anyone was going to end up.
Graduation happened and I was about to move on but we ended up spending an amazing summer together that was one for the ages. We feel deeply in love and eventually moved in together about 10 months later. A few years passed and just before we got married I found an old sketchbook/journal of hers from senior year at college... she wrote several passage about a flame in college that I knew which she had kindred/passionate feelings for but at the time he was in a serious relationship with another person. He was a handsome and charming guy that I could see my wife light up when she was around him. Never thought much about it but I did notice since we weren't dating. Soon after college he eventually married his long time girlfriend and after about 16 years (2 years ago) recently divorced.
Going back to the journal I saw where see wrote about our first time together, I literally turned the page and there was a passage which referenced a night she had been intimate together with this other guy during a particular movie- just a few short weeks after we had been together for the first time. She wrote in the journal how she professed her "love for him that he'll never know." It was a fling and he kept dating his girlfriend and she kept having feelings for him and never told him as far as I know.
Right or wrong at the time I confronted her and she told me about her feelings that she had for him but time had passed and she was with me and that is all that mattered is what I vaguely remember- a lot running through my head at the time. Overall I look back and her explanation never sat well with me or was entirely convincing. We managed to work through things and life went on. We eventually got married a couple of years later- had incredible children, grew even closer together spiritually, sexually never any issues, had great careers and then we moved across country several years later where we still reside.
A few years back my wife got into Facebook and eventually connected with all our friends from college and eventually her old flame (more hers than his I believe). He eventually friend requested me which I thought why not and accepted.
Over time I saw the banter back and forth between them on FB. He eventually separated from his wife and divorced two years ago (they have two beautiful kids). My wife was close friends to them in school but didn't keep in contact until this happened. She exchanged emails and spoke to them both at length separately on the phone but there was never a "we have to save their marriage" and intervention like we did with a couple of other friends marriages that failed or were failing.
Coincidentally his farther had left him and his mother about the same age as his kids at the time and it was a self-fulfilling prophecy that he was destined to the same fate- from my standpoint he has seemed to brush things under the table on FB. Comments like "Oh the kids are cool with this and my new apartment" etc., each parent tries to out-duel the other on FB in front of friends and family with the time they spend with their kids with postings…He posts selfies left and right and trumps his new found freedom...very very sad. We found out that he worked/traveled a lot and the wife discovered he was fooling around with someone at the office. Again not one to judge but not the best character for leaving her and the kids. She was and is still devastated. Months go by and he starts endorsing her on Linkedin weekly, even posting flashbacks to college from time to time and listing a bunch of people including my wife. She would Like the majority of his posts but never the wife's.
At the time we were going through some challenges due to business stress and both her parents being ill. Eventually my wife's father passed which was devastating to her. I didn't know how to handle it and should have been more consoling / inquiring but from the outside she stayed strong and didn't break down much. Her mom moved in to our house and things were very tense. She never had a close relationship with her mom so this meant alot. We honestly never thought deeply about this impact to our lives. This was also the last year our daughter would be in the house and soon heading out to college. My daughter desperately wanted to go back home and get out of dodge. My mother-in-law has headed back home for a good part of the year so we get back on track and have worked through things and are in a very good spot. Last year she came down with her 3 bought of cancer which has forced her to stay there so we have had an extended time together. Mom is doing well and will get her last treatment in a few months - then will head back to live with us again- I am looking forward to it so I can make a difference and embrace this differently now.
I have always been cursed with this sixth sense about people and I am usually right 9 times out of 10 about people's character, intentions or motivations. I feel that FB allows her to peer into his life without being there. Last year on Valentines Day as I was walking by her office (Glass walls) as I see her answer her mobile phone and bang there goes that smiling facial glow I had seen before. I just knew it was probably him- it had been years. She didn't say much and walked out the door to the restroom. She eventually came back and stayed in her office for a while. That afternoon I asked who it was and she said it was him- BAM! Curiously I asked what was the reason and she said she thought a local Convention related to his business that happened to take part at our facility would be something of interest to him- she had invited him clear cross country for the event. Wow…needless to say I was incredibly upset- he never made the trip but this caused a short rift between us which we eventually worked through.
Soon after her flames father passed – so there was this connection that seemed all too familiar from my standpoint. I believe they spoke and found comfort in speaking to each other due to the series of life events that happened to them both.
My insecurity has grown to be consuming at times as I just feel she is always has this clear insight into his life through FB that infuriates me. There is this lingering "what if now that he is single again- just keeps wearing me down". We have each other passwords because we own the business together and any emails between them end where one my wife writes to him
"I do have a lot to ask and to share and look forward to reconnecting soon. So wish it could be over a good glass (bottle) of wine. Lots of love…"
This escalated to exchange that my wife suggested they should talk talk via Skype with each other while I was away on business shortly she offered doing it over a glass of wine with winks.
My mortality has been lingering in my mind and the what if - would she go back with him if something happened to me has been floating in my mind....really not healthy I understand.
Overall I am head over heels in love with this woman. Our family means the world to us and we work hard day in and day out to enjoy life, business and each other. Business puts an added burden but we talk and deal with each issue and resolve in a loving way. She is so intelligent and compassionate and everyone just is drawn to her because she is one of the true people persons. I have ALWAYS felt fortunate that I am married to her and that she is mine and I am hers. For me I am outgoing but more serious... business has hardened me, used to travel out which I LOVE... my compassionate side has diminished over the years. I believe she deeply loves me as well.
We travel and like the finer things in life. Sexually things are off the charts between us and we mutually satisfy each other in amazing ways. My wife is an emotional person which has been amplified by her dad's passing- also being so far from home and old friends for all these years she taken a toll - this has been a source of conflict and case where she shares about being unhappy at times. My daughter is now in college back home and my wife truly lives vicariously through her - she even lives in her old woman's boarding house in the SAME room. Thrill for my wife- not so much for my daughter. We didn't get back much over the years but since our daughter is there in college we have been back 6 out of the last 8 months.
Last week while I was traveling we had an incident that I self-inflicted by checking up on her- she was not happy and accusing me of always needing to know what she was doing – which I am guilty off which again - reasons I detailed above. I began to worry how my insecurity was getting in the way of things. I got home and we made up and got back on track. This is truly an amazing aspect of our life that we can talk through this, cry together and get past things.
I see my issue of needing to know and have a desire to come to terms with it...that next day as I was spinning this last episode through my head trying work out the reasoning and rationale. I soon realized that the journal (yes its still around in our treasure chest of photos and memories) and her writings for this other man and Facebook is at the root of the issue. I pull the book out and reread what I hadn't laid eyes on over 20 years ago. It became painful again but I kept it inside and just dealt with it.
You can't script for this stuff… That evening we head over to some friends house for a dinner and don't you know the satellite radio station starts playing the songs / soundtrack of "that movie" that my wife was intimate with this other guy. Not a song or two but all the songs spaced out for almost three hours!! WOW! She even said to everyone "I haven't seen this movie in years" laughingly…"we don't ever listen to them – not sure why" Well what do you think is going through my head...
To add insult to injury she recently reached out through FB to another flame (also in the journal) she had feelings for and invited him to participate in a business effort we have going on with our business. Again out of the blue and a total stretch. At this point I am on high alert. This is compounding things a great deal- lots of questions- is she searching for something- am I not giving her something that she is lacking. Is this a mid-life for her? Etc etc etc.
She is now on a business trip visiting our daughter and will be back tomorrow. During the resolution of our last tat- I had eluded to wanting a deeper conversation but didn't go into details. My goal and hope is to share my deepest concerns, insecurities and desire for her to purge this/these persons/events from our lives once and for all.
I want to share my issue then lovingly ask her to unfriend him from all social media and destroy these journals based on what this is doing to our marriage or has the potential to do- need to refocus and move forward. My concern is that she has this kindred connection with this guy and wants / feels she needs to hold onto this relationship leading to her getting very upset and causing a deep rift/resentment that will linger in our relationship.
Is this selfish of me?
Am I justified?
Am I overreacting?
Do we need counseling?
Really need help from the group with any advice as to how I should approach this or if I am the one who needs help-not sure anymore.
In business I take no prisoners and am very successful handling global corporations and very demanding projects. I too can be demanding but have pride in every aspect of my life- family,wife, business/career. I truly believe she is my soul mate- I sadly don't have that confidence she thinks I am hers- no reason other than gut.
The uncertainty and insecurity related to this matter is causing me to loose control- I feel and that it will continue to impact our marriage if not dealt with… I want to put this behind us love this woman unconditionally and unequivocally but I am really not sure how to tee this issue up/express my position with full disclosure /demand will play out….
HELP!! Thoughts?
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