First off, I'm a girl, 21, and have never had a relationship. Not even a few dates with someone. And I think something's wrong me, not physically, I know I'm not bad looking, I just can't really get my head around it. I'll try and keep this brief:
At school I was definitely a late bloomer. Until about 16 I looked like a child, I was really tiny and cute. What's more I felt like a child, I didn't have the teenage yearnings of boyfriends, drinking etc. I was just happy having friends and family. Yes I had celebrity childish crushes, but I never fancied anyone in school or anything. So this early, innocent experience of boys a lot of girls have, completely passed me.
At 18 I started clubbing, and kissing random guys on nights out. I ended up doing this often on nights out because I thought that was the done thing. I weren't bothered about keeping phone numbers or persuing anything further. It was just a bit of drunken fun. I was completely happy being single.
This kissing business continued for about a year, but I soon turned off it. Mainly because a close friend of mine ended up with a nasty case of glandular fever and I thought it wasn't worth kissing random strangers I don't give a toss about for that. So I no longer kiss guys on nights out.
Outside of clubbing, I just don't meet guys. My course is about 95% girls, all of my friends are girls. So I only ever meet guys when clubbing. Nowadays if I see a guy I like out clubbing, (which is actually rare, I don't feel attracted to many people) I tend just to have a dance and get their number. But the next day I feel cripplingly awkward about the whole thing. The idea of it all just makes me feel uncomfortable, as if it's wrong, and I just end up not replying. I feel like the fact that I've been picked up on a night out, and purely because of my looks (the only characteristic one can go by on a night out) is just wrong. It makes me feel uncomfortable and unhappy with myself.
I suppose I have weird feelings about sex and relationships. One side of me loves the idea, and yearns for a boyfriend, and now I'm 21 I do really feel like something's missing in my life. But this other side of me always runs away when the possibility arises, I always find an excuse that seems really viable to not date the guy at the time. It's usually a flaw I find in their person so I don't have to feel guilty about the whole thing. And when I do agree to not pursue anything further, I feel such a sense of relief.
I just don't think this is normal, can anyone relate to this? I feel like such a weirdo (for want of a better word!) over this.
Put the internet to work for you.
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