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suicide only hope, I have no friends or anyone i can talk to

Been with my wife for 12 yrs. 2009 an illness had become more aggressive, i had already been taking painkillers (norco),steroids & anti-depressants since late 2007, I was at times verbally abusive, arguments became frequent. 2009 I was laid off, we lost house, had 2 give up my 5 animals. moved in with my parents, wife became pregnant then had miscarriage. we moved into a room with her co-worker. I was not able to work due 2 health issues, she worked, i drove & volunteered at my sons preschool. My illness caused near fainting & loss of breath i was limited to activities. Wife & her family upset because i was not providing, i understand, but i cld not wrk Wife & son moved 2 her dads, we were asked to leave room we were renting.The plan, I would stay with a relative 2 get better but Depression became worse since 2010 i had five surgery's 2 were open heart, Wife files for divorce we had been arguing and i said to do it, have been in denial of EVERYTHING pure isolation Days i still lay in bed no eating just staring at walls, admitted to hospital for dehydration. I have memory issues and cant recall what has happened. My son begun 2 mention a males name often, I asked my wife she said its her boyfriend, I was upset she did not talk to me as a parent about introducing my son to him. It hit me i cryed and was anger, how did i get here, its all a blur i feel my wife left when i needed her most, i was sick and still am, It feels like she just left days ago. I have spoken to my 6 year old son everyday since he left with his mom. I spoke with my son Friday morning but missed his call Saturday i called back left messages it is Sunday morning and no call back, i have called my wife three times and sent her four texts with no reply, this is a parent to parent matter, let me know he is ok. When i do speak to her i hope i do not learn she spent the weekend with her boyfriend and my son under the same roof, I feel like she is cheating on me, yes we have been apart two years now, but i am trying to piece together what has happened the last two years, and I cant, (No drugs) I just cant remember it almost seems like i woke up and she said she was leaving. we never sat to talk, or discuss our marriage and try to work matters out, she did not fight for us ,our family, I think i did not fight as well, but I know that was not me back then, I have lost my family and I don't know why, I am so close to just ending it all.........

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