Well, I just turned 53...my wife will be 53 in a few months..and we've been married for 33 yrs. That's a long time, I know. At 19 you have no clue...about anything, really. You don't know who you will be....or what you may want in life. No amount of talking could convince either of us to wait.
The early part of our marriage was all fun, really. 2 kids playing house...having a great time w/ friends and just being kids. We had our first baby about 3 yrs in...I knew my wife's family was a mess...dysfunctional as all get out (I realize it now, but I never knew how it was going to affect my life). My wife was never shown much love...and love was never modeled in their house. Her parents didn't necessarily love each other....and were awful disrespectful to each other, almost all the time. She (wife) really doesn't know how to love...and there is a lot that goes along with that...I really don't want to go into all the details...but all she knows is what she saw growing up as normal...and to this day, thinks it is normal. She is almost indifferent about everything...except grandbabies and dogs....but she cannot feel passionate about anything.
We had two daughters by the time we were 26. And in the next few years, I swore many times that as soon as the youngest finished high school, I was leaving...but I needed to stay and be an influence on the kids. I wanted them to know a different 'normal'.
Well, my youngest is 27 yrs old and I'm still in this marriage...we are still together for lots of reasons, but it has little to do with love...pride and guilt are the 2 biggies..but it is like living a lie.
My wife is not a monster, but her defensiveness and lack of respect (when she feels justified) has caused me to be a different person....in order to avoid stupid blow ups and crazy stuff, I've kind of lost my identity over the years,,,but because of that, we get along for the most part....I kind of just put my self in a box and would not let myself consider anything else...I made myself believe that it was as good as it could be....although, somewhere in my mind, I knew better...
We went to counseling a few yrs back...but, honestly, she thinks this is how it is..and thought it was a crazy idea that we were going....
A few months ago I decided to 'come out of my box'...and I faced the fact that our marriage is not much more that 2 co-workers sometimes working towards the same goal...and she has no idea, she thinks this is fine. I long to be loved...I long to love somebody. I know lots of guys lust for sexual stuff...my desires are more emotional and deep. I long to share thoughts and passions with somebody...and them me. I wish I could snap my fingers and make things different without any pain. When I think about ending the marriage, I imagine her as a little, annoying, destructive puppy...not knowing any better. And us breaking up, would be like leaving her at the pound....and I put her and my family through all kinds of crap, just on the chance that I find happiness....my life is not terrible, lots of people would say it is great (from the outside)....but I am so sad.
I have no idea what to do....but I am really tired of this being the only thing on my mind. I am tired of just wallowing in it...I could probably just get back in my 'box' and quit thinking of it being any different....but I'll always know...I kind of feel like I am still paying for a dumb decision I made back when I was 19.
The early part of our marriage was all fun, really. 2 kids playing house...having a great time w/ friends and just being kids. We had our first baby about 3 yrs in...I knew my wife's family was a mess...dysfunctional as all get out (I realize it now, but I never knew how it was going to affect my life). My wife was never shown much love...and love was never modeled in their house. Her parents didn't necessarily love each other....and were awful disrespectful to each other, almost all the time. She (wife) really doesn't know how to love...and there is a lot that goes along with that...I really don't want to go into all the details...but all she knows is what she saw growing up as normal...and to this day, thinks it is normal. She is almost indifferent about everything...except grandbabies and dogs....but she cannot feel passionate about anything.
We had two daughters by the time we were 26. And in the next few years, I swore many times that as soon as the youngest finished high school, I was leaving...but I needed to stay and be an influence on the kids. I wanted them to know a different 'normal'.
Well, my youngest is 27 yrs old and I'm still in this marriage...we are still together for lots of reasons, but it has little to do with love...pride and guilt are the 2 biggies..but it is like living a lie.
My wife is not a monster, but her defensiveness and lack of respect (when she feels justified) has caused me to be a different person....in order to avoid stupid blow ups and crazy stuff, I've kind of lost my identity over the years,,,but because of that, we get along for the most part....I kind of just put my self in a box and would not let myself consider anything else...I made myself believe that it was as good as it could be....although, somewhere in my mind, I knew better...
We went to counseling a few yrs back...but, honestly, she thinks this is how it is..and thought it was a crazy idea that we were going....
A few months ago I decided to 'come out of my box'...and I faced the fact that our marriage is not much more that 2 co-workers sometimes working towards the same goal...and she has no idea, she thinks this is fine. I long to be loved...I long to love somebody. I know lots of guys lust for sexual stuff...my desires are more emotional and deep. I long to share thoughts and passions with somebody...and them me. I wish I could snap my fingers and make things different without any pain. When I think about ending the marriage, I imagine her as a little, annoying, destructive puppy...not knowing any better. And us breaking up, would be like leaving her at the pound....and I put her and my family through all kinds of crap, just on the chance that I find happiness....my life is not terrible, lots of people would say it is great (from the outside)....but I am so sad.
I have no idea what to do....but I am really tired of this being the only thing on my mind. I am tired of just wallowing in it...I could probably just get back in my 'box' and quit thinking of it being any different....but I'll always know...I kind of feel like I am still paying for a dumb decision I made back when I was 19.
Put the internet to work for you.
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