Here's our situation. Married 14 years, together 16, with 2 kids. He works, I work. I "lost it" last spring, I had a moment in a workshop I was doing where everything came crashing down and where I hadn't cried or really felt much emotion at all in the past 3-4 years, I guess some might call it a "breakdown". In this workshop someone gave me a gift, it was a small gift, but it was something that I really liked and this triggered me. I realized that I couldn't remember the last time someone gave me something that was important to me, that someone had taken the time to think about what I needed. I realized that I'd been living in this world of giving and giving and supporting but never receiving. I felt like I was carrying the whole world on my shoulders, and I felt like my husband was one more burden to carry. I felt like i was done, I felt like I was suffocating and if I didn't get out, I was going to die.
I realized that I felt completely trapped in my marriage and my life. I was exhausted. My husband had been off of work for 2 years and while I was happy to see him take a break at first, going into the 2nd year I began to get frustrated that he was not doing anything to support our family, and left the burden on me completely. He was not motivated to look for work or even think outside of the box at possibilities, ie looking in other cities for work etc. I had told him I was willing to relocate and start up a new business in a new city, but he wouldn't even consider it. I mentioned to him that sometimes when we are in a rut, we need to physically move or change our patterns to see things from a new perspective, but he was not interested in any change at all. I wanted desperately to get out. I got more and more frustrated. Finally I told him I wanted to separate. It hit him like a tonne of bricks. He had no idea he says. We had had sex maybe 3 times in the last 2 yea rs, and usually because I felt guilty, and would give in or initiate thinking maybe it would make things better. But generally, he'd go to bed stating he was tired, leave me to put the kids to bed, and I'd stay up late avoiding him, out of anger that I'd had to put the kids to bed on my own. That's how we lived the last 3-4 years I'd say.
He asked me to go for therapy with him. I told him I'd only go if he found himself a therapist so he could work on himself as well. So we went to one session. We agreed to give ourselves a year. Since then I've been working with a therapist and he with his, and we now have couples sessions every 2 weeks as well. I don't feel like we are getting anywhere fast. The therapy has really helped to teach us to communicate better, basically I think most things have been said to each other and we are communicating honestly now. Which is really great. His relationship with our kids has greatly improved now that he is present in the room with them, not just physically, but actually present most of the time. THough I am still the one who does all the parenting, in terms of teaching our kids values, and ethics etc. He "supports" whatever I say.
So here's where I am at. I feel now like I have a really great helper in my husband. He is trying very hard, supportive of everything I do, but he is not a partner. I feel like I have a really great employee. What I want is a partner. He seems confused when I tell him this. I wish he'd step up to the plate, form an opinion about something, not just help all the time. I wish he'd take the initiative sometimes. So I'm back to where I was last spring, feeling like we are walking on divergent paths. We just don't seem to get each other at all. So I feel like we are heading towards separation... because my heart doesn't feel anything when I am around him. I care for him as a person and a friend, but not as a partner and a husband/lover.
:scratchhead:
I realized that I felt completely trapped in my marriage and my life. I was exhausted. My husband had been off of work for 2 years and while I was happy to see him take a break at first, going into the 2nd year I began to get frustrated that he was not doing anything to support our family, and left the burden on me completely. He was not motivated to look for work or even think outside of the box at possibilities, ie looking in other cities for work etc. I had told him I was willing to relocate and start up a new business in a new city, but he wouldn't even consider it. I mentioned to him that sometimes when we are in a rut, we need to physically move or change our patterns to see things from a new perspective, but he was not interested in any change at all. I wanted desperately to get out. I got more and more frustrated. Finally I told him I wanted to separate. It hit him like a tonne of bricks. He had no idea he says. We had had sex maybe 3 times in the last 2 yea rs, and usually because I felt guilty, and would give in or initiate thinking maybe it would make things better. But generally, he'd go to bed stating he was tired, leave me to put the kids to bed, and I'd stay up late avoiding him, out of anger that I'd had to put the kids to bed on my own. That's how we lived the last 3-4 years I'd say.
He asked me to go for therapy with him. I told him I'd only go if he found himself a therapist so he could work on himself as well. So we went to one session. We agreed to give ourselves a year. Since then I've been working with a therapist and he with his, and we now have couples sessions every 2 weeks as well. I don't feel like we are getting anywhere fast. The therapy has really helped to teach us to communicate better, basically I think most things have been said to each other and we are communicating honestly now. Which is really great. His relationship with our kids has greatly improved now that he is present in the room with them, not just physically, but actually present most of the time. THough I am still the one who does all the parenting, in terms of teaching our kids values, and ethics etc. He "supports" whatever I say.
So here's where I am at. I feel now like I have a really great helper in my husband. He is trying very hard, supportive of everything I do, but he is not a partner. I feel like I have a really great employee. What I want is a partner. He seems confused when I tell him this. I wish he'd step up to the plate, form an opinion about something, not just help all the time. I wish he'd take the initiative sometimes. So I'm back to where I was last spring, feeling like we are walking on divergent paths. We just don't seem to get each other at all. So I feel like we are heading towards separation... because my heart doesn't feel anything when I am around him. I care for him as a person and a friend, but not as a partner and a husband/lover.
:scratchhead:
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