Been lurking for quite some time...
This post could really fit into the financial and blended family forums, but I will lay it out here...
Both my husband and I have been married before. I have no children (by choice) he has 4. My career is child based, but I've never had a desire to have any of my own. This is partially why my first marriage failed.
My husband married first wife b/c she was pregnant. While, he says now he should've agreed to support/raise oldest son, he never should've gotten married, or gone on with trying to "make it work" (and of course complicating it all by having 2 more children with ex and then having an affair). After the affair was discovered, instead of divorce there was an attempt at staying together, and child number 4 was conceived. Shortly thereafter, ex decides she can't live with the betrayal and files for divorce. This was all around 2004-05.
I met DH in the spring of '05. Having just been through my own divorce, I was dating and wasn't necessarily set on getting seriously involved at that point. The irony of course, was that DH was very open and honest with me from day one about the affair and that he had continued counseling even after the ex decided not to go b/c "the affair wasn't her fault".
From the beginning I felt DH was someone I should continue to date b/c of how we were together. This was a little difficult for a few reasons: first, my ex had an affair as well and that is what really put the final nail in the coffin of our marriage. Next, DH had 4 kids and was only separated at this time, however, it was always clear from the beginning that a divorce would be happening and he never wavered on that point. I should never have underestimated how bitter and angry his ex was. I also felt like I had a pretty good understanding of it (as I had been cheated on too), but I've come to understand the big difference is I didn't have kids with my ex.
Suffice to say DH and ex reached an "agreement" in Sept 2006. Of course, when I found out the terms of the agreement I wanted to throw up. He would be responsible for LARGE sums of money (CS and alimony) for at least 5 yrs before the oldest would be 21. Coincidentally, the alimony would end the same time the oldest would be emancipated.
While I know I could've left the relationship then (or at any other time), I was feeling very positive and happy in the relationship. My relationship with him was everything I wanted it to be, so I guess I just buckled up for the long haul. It was very difficult financially in the beginning. Basically, I took care of everything except his CS (b/c I would/will never do this). To his credit, he has always taken care of it on his own and never asked me for a penny of it. He also is a very hard worker and works multiple jobs to take care of everything (including joint bills of ours).
Finally, in 2011, he filed for a CS modification as he was supposed to do b/c oldest son was 21 and at that time second oldest was 19, but under NYS law would meet the legal definition of emancipation. We thought that he would get a court date and the rest would be history in terms of having the CS modified so he would pay a lesser amount for the 2 younger children. As I sit here typing this, I still can't believe that over 2 years later there still has been no modification and he is still paying the same amount for 2 that he was paying for 4. The whole process has been exhausting (and still not over yet), but no end in sight.
Again, one might say that I knew what I was getting into. Unfortunately, that isn't entirely true. We (I) had always been under the impression that as each child reached 21 there would be a reduction in CS due to emancipation. It was also something that I kind of had in my mind that I would never even consider marrying him until at the very least the oldest 2 were emancipated and he was only paying support for the younger two. Truth be told, I wasn't the one who wanted to marry, he was. He proposed once and I put him off for a year, then we did get engaged, but I still was under the notion that I could live like that indefinitely. Through the years, DH made some career choices that didn't pan out the way we planned. Therefore, he is currently in a job, that doesn't offer the type of salary or benefits he had in the not so distant past. One of those benefits is access to affordable health care w/o having to take less in salary to get it.
I had been working in a relatively stable job, but lost it last year. Happily, I got another one, but am making less and the only way to have him covered, as I had done previously, was to get married.
I've been struggling with that decision as I feel as though I worked very hard over the years, to keep "out of" all the issues with the CS and alimony. It was essentially like I had "no choice" and just haven't been dealing well with the aftermath, especially since there hasn't been any immediate resolution to the whole CS issue.
I honestly believed that by this point 8 1/2 years later, things would be so much different including the reduction of the CS. We had a very big fight about it a few days ago and I saw a side of myself that I wish I hadn't. The sad part is that he is the type of person who truly brings out the best in me, yet, with this ongoing issue, I hate who I've become.
I guess this is just a "vent"...b/c all my friends IRL know the situation, and really can't offer any "new" support. I feel like I can't really talk with DH anymore (or at least not this close to the fight), b/c we only fight about it (now-since it's been going on for so long)...
Guess I'm just looking for some support....
This post could really fit into the financial and blended family forums, but I will lay it out here...
Both my husband and I have been married before. I have no children (by choice) he has 4. My career is child based, but I've never had a desire to have any of my own. This is partially why my first marriage failed.
My husband married first wife b/c she was pregnant. While, he says now he should've agreed to support/raise oldest son, he never should've gotten married, or gone on with trying to "make it work" (and of course complicating it all by having 2 more children with ex and then having an affair). After the affair was discovered, instead of divorce there was an attempt at staying together, and child number 4 was conceived. Shortly thereafter, ex decides she can't live with the betrayal and files for divorce. This was all around 2004-05.
I met DH in the spring of '05. Having just been through my own divorce, I was dating and wasn't necessarily set on getting seriously involved at that point. The irony of course, was that DH was very open and honest with me from day one about the affair and that he had continued counseling even after the ex decided not to go b/c "the affair wasn't her fault".
From the beginning I felt DH was someone I should continue to date b/c of how we were together. This was a little difficult for a few reasons: first, my ex had an affair as well and that is what really put the final nail in the coffin of our marriage. Next, DH had 4 kids and was only separated at this time, however, it was always clear from the beginning that a divorce would be happening and he never wavered on that point. I should never have underestimated how bitter and angry his ex was. I also felt like I had a pretty good understanding of it (as I had been cheated on too), but I've come to understand the big difference is I didn't have kids with my ex.
Suffice to say DH and ex reached an "agreement" in Sept 2006. Of course, when I found out the terms of the agreement I wanted to throw up. He would be responsible for LARGE sums of money (CS and alimony) for at least 5 yrs before the oldest would be 21. Coincidentally, the alimony would end the same time the oldest would be emancipated.
While I know I could've left the relationship then (or at any other time), I was feeling very positive and happy in the relationship. My relationship with him was everything I wanted it to be, so I guess I just buckled up for the long haul. It was very difficult financially in the beginning. Basically, I took care of everything except his CS (b/c I would/will never do this). To his credit, he has always taken care of it on his own and never asked me for a penny of it. He also is a very hard worker and works multiple jobs to take care of everything (including joint bills of ours).
Finally, in 2011, he filed for a CS modification as he was supposed to do b/c oldest son was 21 and at that time second oldest was 19, but under NYS law would meet the legal definition of emancipation. We thought that he would get a court date and the rest would be history in terms of having the CS modified so he would pay a lesser amount for the 2 younger children. As I sit here typing this, I still can't believe that over 2 years later there still has been no modification and he is still paying the same amount for 2 that he was paying for 4. The whole process has been exhausting (and still not over yet), but no end in sight.
Again, one might say that I knew what I was getting into. Unfortunately, that isn't entirely true. We (I) had always been under the impression that as each child reached 21 there would be a reduction in CS due to emancipation. It was also something that I kind of had in my mind that I would never even consider marrying him until at the very least the oldest 2 were emancipated and he was only paying support for the younger two. Truth be told, I wasn't the one who wanted to marry, he was. He proposed once and I put him off for a year, then we did get engaged, but I still was under the notion that I could live like that indefinitely. Through the years, DH made some career choices that didn't pan out the way we planned. Therefore, he is currently in a job, that doesn't offer the type of salary or benefits he had in the not so distant past. One of those benefits is access to affordable health care w/o having to take less in salary to get it.
I had been working in a relatively stable job, but lost it last year. Happily, I got another one, but am making less and the only way to have him covered, as I had done previously, was to get married.
I've been struggling with that decision as I feel as though I worked very hard over the years, to keep "out of" all the issues with the CS and alimony. It was essentially like I had "no choice" and just haven't been dealing well with the aftermath, especially since there hasn't been any immediate resolution to the whole CS issue.
I honestly believed that by this point 8 1/2 years later, things would be so much different including the reduction of the CS. We had a very big fight about it a few days ago and I saw a side of myself that I wish I hadn't. The sad part is that he is the type of person who truly brings out the best in me, yet, with this ongoing issue, I hate who I've become.
I guess this is just a "vent"...b/c all my friends IRL know the situation, and really can't offer any "new" support. I feel like I can't really talk with DH anymore (or at least not this close to the fight), b/c we only fight about it (now-since it's been going on for so long)...
Guess I'm just looking for some support....
Put the internet to work for you.
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