| My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and we knew each other 2 years before the marriage. Our relationship was great, and all our friends think that it's the ideal relationship. Currently we are both phd students, and we study out of country. We have a 4 year old son. We had minimal problems, just like every other couples, but I am sure it's way less than other couples. So whenever we fight, we go back to normal very shortly. However, it happens without discussing the problem, so I think that we don't communicate properly. The past period, right before the separation, was so hard on us, due to PhD pressure and financial problems. I have also found out that she is taking anti-depressant (Prozac) for about a year now. About 11 months ago, my wife has changed suddenly, and asked for a divorce without giving me a clear reason. It was so fast and sudden! When I ask her why, she mentions little things here and there but without a clear reason. When I ask for a trial period, she refuses totally! And of corse, I have been begging her, crying, asking for a trial, and all kind of crazy stuff. Now I have moved out to a separate apartment just to give her space. I then realized that most for our fights were because she thinks that I don't express my love and emotions properly (I agree with her), although she knows that I love her to death. She told me recently that she feels disconnected emotionally. However, most of the time, she keeps telling me that I am the perfect husband, and how lucky she is to have me. So, she is fluctuating. I blamed the stressful PhD and the antidepressant (PROZAC) that she is taking. But I think I am responsible too. I think that our biggest problem is COMMUNICATION. I think that if we learn how to communicate, things will be much better. But as I said, we fight then go back together without having a proper discussion about it. Personally, I think that I can improve if I communicate, because I cannot improve something that I don't know about. The other thing is the lack of sex. since we started our PhD, our time is limited most of the time. I always desire her even if I am tired, however, I also thought that she is tired and busy too. Usually, she takes her computer and paperwork to bed, and work until she falls asleep. That's why I get the feeling that she is not in the mood. She thinks that I am busy/tired too. So can you see it? we both desire each other, but it's the lack of communication that creates the problem. Also, she thinks I'm shy when it comes to sex! I don't blame her, because I'm not an expressive guy, but I'm not shy! Few months after the bomb "let's split up", she told me that she used to be bisexual, but she didn't do it while we are married. I told her that, you should have told me this before, we could've discussed this open-mindedly! she said I was not comfortable talking about it with you. Anyways, we talked about this matter, then our relationship has significantly improved, and I almost thought that we are back together. I was away in my country and she was in the UK. So everything was great until I told her that I booked to come back to UK. She turned upside-down again, and she insisted even more on the divorce. At that period, I started to step back, moved to new house, and and I'm not initiating any contact with her but only responding to her. So, minimal contact has paid off a little, she doesn't feel threatened and she feels safe when she contact me. I try to keep my conversation fun, friendly, and short. That has made her communicate more, and whenever I ignore her texts for few hours or even minutes, she stats wondering if there's something wrong!! But overall, our relationship started to get friendlier and more comfortable. One day, I told my wife that I've started doing nude photography (I'm a photographer), and I have hired 2 female models to do this. I was aiming to show her that I'm open-minded now about these sexual things (I'm not shy, and I can enjoy 2 girls). After this, She started to contact me more, very frequently. After I showed her few pics from this photography session, she was so happy! she kept saying how proud she is that I'm doing this. We even talked about sex (generally, not as if we are doing it together). So she contacts me everyday, all the time. And whenever, I stop contact her for few hours, she says stuff like: "hey what r u up to? or you haven't contacted me today? etc". Few days later, I showed her more pics of the nude girls, she was so excited and asked me for more. I then gradually tried to (sexting with her), she was on and off about it. She goes on a little, then she stops saying "I'm not gonna sexting with you" and she adds a big smily " :) ". Or She would say: "I will talk about sex with you when we divorce :)". The last thing she said "I am falling asleep now, maybe we can sexting later some other time". I didn't initiate contact the following day, but she did saying "hey what r u doing, what r u up to". Around this time, we discussed the divorce and bisexuality. I offered her a deal. It's a win-win with no strings attached. The summary of this deal is: "let's work this bisexuality together. I'm not against it, actually, it might be a fantasy for me! We can try it for a set time, if it works, great! If not, at least we tried. You don't have to give me your answer now. Take your time, and let me know whenever your ready". We have t spoke about it yet! She's still not ready, and don't have an answer. So I let go. Anyways, the relationship didn't get any further, she was emphasizing the term "FRIENDS". And after quite a while, she mentioned the divorce again. She's trying to convince me that the divorce is easy and it won't affect our friendship or our son. I then stopped her and told her:" look, I don't think being friends after divorce is realistic! I love you, and I can't be just a friend with you!". She got really upset!! As if I'm the one who want her out!! She kept sending some pathetic messages like "it hurts me that you don't want to be friend, but I can't force you" or "I will always come visit your family and hang out with them". I think she's afraid of losing me for ever. She wants me around her, because she knows what kind of support I can give her. So, that was the approximate sequence of my story! Currently, it's still about the same. I don't initiate conversation, I only responds friendly and briefly. My son is with me now, and she is in the UK trying to wrap up her phd. It seems that I'm the only and first one to contact when she needs emotional and technical support on her phd, and I'm trying to do my best to support her. I even send her some money every month. She has not mention any divorce topic for more than 3 months now! Right after I made it clear that I'm not going to be your friend after divorce. So, I'm not sure if I can consider this silence positively or negatively! Oh well... My wife has decided to kick me out without notice and without a clear reason. She wants me around, she wants the support, but she wants to have sex with someone else :) Thank you guys for reading my messed up story! I'm not looking for specific feedback and don't have specific questions. I just wanted to get it out of my chest! But do I think i did the right thing by telling her : " I can't be your friend because I love you"? | |||
| | |||
| | |||
|
No comments:
Post a Comment