| Hi, this is my first post. I'm here because I'm really confused and thought maybe other opinions would convince me. My H and I are in our late thirties, have been a couple for 11 years and married for 6. We have no kids and we both work full-time. To most people, we probably look like we have a great life. The thing is, my H has almost no tolerance for stress or frustration. Even good stress, like going on vacation or traveling to see family, throws him off. When he's stressed or frustrated, he'll either go into angry sulks (not speaking to me) or he'll get extremely negative and critical about everything or he'll explode into tantrums. Usually he'll switch between those three options. He's never been physically abusive--never touched me in anger at all--but he'll punch the dashboard in the car, or throw small things in the house, or pound his fist on the table, things like that. He's thrown things at our pets a couple times, even though normally he dotes on them. Most often he'll just scream and rage and swear. Usually his rages start out directed at something out of his control that's making him angry, like bad weather or bad traffic or computer problems, something like that, but if I try to sooth him or fix things or offer any advice/comfort/anything at all, he'll turn the rage on me, verbally. So most of the time I end up just freezing up, hoping to stay out of his way. If I can leave when he's like this, I do (go into another room or whatever) but he seems to do it a lot in the car, where I am trapped with him. He's been like this as long as I've known him, but it seems to be slowly getting worse. His rages this last year have been worse and more directed at me than they used to be. Between these tantrums, if life is calm, he can be very sweet and loving, but I'm having a harder and harder time relaxing and trusting the sweet version of him. And that makes me feel guilty, like I'm not being a good wife and forgiving him....but then, he never apologizes, either. He just acts like nothing happened. Sometimes he claims to not remember his tantrums, and I don't know if he's just saying that or if he really doesn't remember. I've asked my H a couple times to go to counseling with me, but he refuses and says he never will. He was in therapy for anxiety as a teenager and says he "knows what it's all about and won't do that sh&% again". I've just recently started going to therapy on my own. My therapist said that she's concerned there is emotional abuse in my relationship. I know there's definitely something WRONG in my relationship, but using the word "abuse" feels so melodramatic....when I think of abuse, I think of a man calling his wife a b---- and throwing her against a wall. My H doesn't lay a hand on me, and like I said, his rages often aren't even directed at me unless I put myself in his sights. But I'm intimidated and frightened by his anger, and each time he throws a tantrum, I feel like I pull further and further away from him emotionally, and it's getting harder and harder to find my way back. When I've tried to talk to my H about these things, he usually turns the discussion to be about how hard his life is (he has some medical problems, he hates his job, he hates where we live, etc, etc) and says that I'm not sympathetic enough and I don't try hard enough to understand him. I've told him repeatedly that his anger frightens me, and he always shrugs it off. The last time I said it, he answered, "I know you're afraid, but really, what are you worried about? I wouldn't hit you." I didn't even know what to say to that. I've gotten to the point where I love him and care about him, but I really don't like him anymore. I feel like I'm on guard whenever I'm around him, just waiting to see what his mood will be like. And of course even writing that makes me feel guilty. I guess my question is, is this abuse? Am I crazy? I feel like our relationship is unhealthy, but my H seems to think everything is fine. | |||
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