Always had disparate sex drives, trying to deal after Affairs

Back story: I moved out of the house June 2012 because of my H's anger issues. I was going to divorce him, although I still loved him. He asked if I would reconsider and continue our relationship in separate houses if he promised to get help with his anger issues. I agreed, but on the condition that we were still bound by our vows - i.e. that there was fidelity on both sides, like before we moved in together, but were still dating. He agreed. I found out in March that he had had an affair from September - December 2012. Then found out in May that there was another from Dec 2012 to Jan 2013, plus an ongoing contact with an OW he met on a dating site. I put a stop to the ongoing contact, and we have been trying to R since then. We still don't live together as we don't feel we are ready for various reasons. We had a problem last night. During our marriage we always had a disparate sex drive - mine is higher than his, unusually. Quite often during our marriage I would initiate sex, only for him to lie there in bed like a lump of stone, totally ignoring my advances. Eventually I would get upset and withdraw, which would lead to an argument. He didn't always reject me, but it was more often than not. Conversely, there was only ONE occasion during our entire relationship when I rejected him - only because it was late, I was dog-tired, I had a headache and I had to be up early in the morning. Every other time he has initiated sex, I have enthusastically gone along with it. Every single time. Fast forward to D-day 2 in May this year. I decided I was not going to initiate sex again. I was going to let him take the lead. I told him this, that I needed him to be more forthright in the bedroom, that I was tired of always being the aggressor, and that I needed him to be more caveman. I had also examined my feelings as to why I felt rejected and upset when he didn't want to have sex and I said that if he didn't feel like sex, to tell me, so there was no expectation. This seemed to work. He has been very busy with work for the last few weeks but he comes round on Fridays and Saturdays. So pretty much every Friday, he has said something like "It's been a long day, is it ok if we just go to sleep?" and I have not been upset - which is real progress for me. Of course I understand that when you're tired, you're not always in the mood - which is okay. So I was happy, that we had established that if he just told me in advance, there was no expectation on my part, and no need for me to feel upset. But then on Saturdays, when he hadn't been working and wasn't tired, we would generally have sex, and it was good. I felt he was really listening to me. He was being more aggressive, more caveman, and it was great. So, now we come to this weekend. Friday was as usual - tired, no sex. But then Saturday we went upstairs. He didn't say anything about just going to sleep, so I went to bed in my underwear, which is our tacit signal for me being interested - otherwise I put my nightwear on. Next thing I know he's lying there snoring away. I get upset. I leap out of bed, throw my pjs on and yank the light off then I lie there and seethe. After a while he wakes up and, I know this was wrong, but I start an argument. I end up accusing him of having an affair again, because the last time he lost interest in sex was when he was getting it elsewhere. He just basically ignored me. Didn't even deny it, or tell me I was being daft, let alone try to reassure me. We argued back and forth and ended up talking about expectations. he told me that my default expectation when we go to bed should be "no sex" so I said if we were going to end up in a sexless marriage, then we may as well divorce. Eventually we slept, but I didn't sleep well. He slept till gone noon and when he eventually got up, we small-talked for about an hour then took ourselves to the hall so we could talk out of earshot of DD2. Now, I am NOT expecting that he should be willing to have sex whenever I want it, which would be an unreasonable expectation, but I reiterated the idea of him telling me if he wasn't in the mood, then I wouldn't have any expectation. He told me I shouldn't have an expectation of sex anyway and that I was being unreasonable. He said that the onus should not be on him to tell me that he doesn't want to have sex. Now, I don't think it's unreasonable that there is an expectation of sex within a marriage. We are both still relatively young (I'm 40, he's 44), we are in good health, so on a Saturday night, not too tired, not ill, and no reason to get up early in the morning, why should I not have an expectation of sex? For me, sex is so much more than the physical, it is the ultimate expression of love. When we have sex, I feel cherished, loved, cared for, wanted, desired, safe. When we don't have sex, I feel unloved, unwanted, undesirable. I tried to explain this to him but his only response was that he didn't feel that way, therefore I shouldn't either. I reminded him that I wasn't expecting him to have sex whenever I wanted to, but that a compromise would be that he simply tell me, then I have no expectation and I'm not upset. He doesn't see why he should. I should alter MY expectations so that my default position is that of "no sex" like his is. We just ended up going round in circles and I ended up getting upset and telling him to leave. He also NEVER comforts me or reassures me when I am upset, which is a separate issue. he says that when I have upset HIM, he doesn't want me to comfort him, so he doesn't see why he should comfort me when I am upset. He says this despite the fact that I've tried to explain my needs. He refuses to accept that my needs might be different from his.

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