| PART 1…An introduction to THE PLAN My gift to TAM. We are all here because we are unfulfilled to some degree in our own marriages. Some will LOUDLY say that is not the case but in reality you are just hiding behind a mask you created to perfection that started in childhood. We all are. This is the story of how to recognize that fact and to come up with a plan to finally "Grow-up together" with your spouse. A sexless marriage is the sum of hiding behind the masks in order to be truly intimate both partners need to understand themselves and be aware of the destructive darker parts of themselves. If it isn't sex ,its money if it isn't money, it's the kids it's a power struggle over toys in a sandbox…. between two emotionally immature adults. You and your spouse. Before I get into the plan I want to recognize two resources that I did not hear about here much but stumbled across in my journey the first helped me crystallize what I thought was an original plan…. Those are the teachings of "Calle Zorro" which got me thinking about the entire journey… especially taking the long term view and becoming the better man. This was a critical resource for me to come up with the initial plan. Another I just read was simply amazing probably the best resource of all… " Dancing in the Dark… the shadow side of intimate relationships." Both of these resources are awesome. Like my plan these resources get you thinking about you and your part in this. For those who followed my story you understand this a core component of my plan. All the plan is in reality is correcting the dynamics… or growing emotionally up together. Its tough and it requires both partners to do something they don't want to do… admit they are emotionally underdeveloped internally to themselves. We seek our hidden dark side and marry it… that causes dissatisfaction over time. I learned the labels in the latest book… MOTHER, FATHER, SON, and DAUGHTER. This is great as is give you a visual of your own relationship with your spouse. It's all about power. Marriage 101…. The Sandbox of a Marriage. My view based on my research on the subject at hand. I like to make it simple to understand it also helps me. I live by KISS... Keep it simple stupid. The answer is usually easy implementing it is hard. Easier to blame the other... human nature. In all marriages we can view them as two kids playing in a sandbox day after day… initially you play nice with all the toys. As time goes on you start to fight over three toys to varying degrees. The toys are a pail and shovel (SEX/Emotional Intimacy), a toy fire truck (MONEY) and a see-saw (CHILDREN). Most all troubled marriages can be seen as fighting over one or more of these toys. In my case now it was the pail and the shovel… earlier around ILYNILWY it was both the see-saw and the pail and shovel. It was/is a power struggle. We both tend play evenly with the toy fire truck and see-saw now. We are learning to share the pail and the shovel now. Some "kids" decide to permanently leave the sandbox (Cheat/divorce/check out) and each of the Ex's either decide not to play again in the sandbox OR find a new partner to play with. In variably they ensure the toy that was contested in their previous marriage is now fully shared…. However struggles show up with the other toys they can't believe now it's the fire truck instead of the pail. They realize life is not better just different… same discontent different players, different fights over different toys. Its simply two KIDS again married instead of authentic adults. This is the reality of most marriage's. Electronics make it easy to be distracted…. this is a whole other topic. My wife all along pretended to be "The adult or MOTHER" she ended up being the non-authentic MOTHER role in our marriage, I all along was the willing truly authentic SON. We were in a bonded MOTHER-SON relationship… this was acceptable for the first 16 years of our marriage until she had enough (I also had enough by then causing our initial fight and her to proclaim ILYNILWYA)… she needed to change me she wanted a FATHER. A MOM-SON dance is not fulfilling. Neither is another type of marriage the FATHER-DAUGHTER dance that bonding also ends up being unfulfilling. The facts are that many marriages can trace their struggles to each partner playing these roles. The fact is we gravitate to these roles because they are natural. A MOM wants to help the younger SON… I remember my wife stated long ago "I knew he would clean up well"… she "knew" she could change me. Or at least that's what she believed…. Inside she's just an immature girl hidden behind her mask incapable of changing anyone… she's frightened and insecure. Only I could change myself to what she really wants a FATHER to go with her pretend MOTHER role. A FATHER would not initially be attracted to a MOTHER he would avoid her like the plague… to much fight for control at the onset of the relationship which is hard to create a bond. So most people instead gravitate to either the MOTHER-SON marriage or the FATHER-DAUGHTER marriage both very unfulfilled over time this can also sometimes be described as BROTHER-SISTER or ROOMMATES down the road. The secret to success is realizing this "dance" and re-creating the marriage this time as authentic MOTHER-FATHER regardless of how you start… that is the overall goal. In my case I had to seriously emotionally GROW UP we both did. In my wife's case she had to realize she herself was not an authentic MOTHER yet she was just pretending all along behind her mask she perfected. We both married our dark side and perfected our masks. This all came from our own parents. I had an overly protective MOM who dominated my DAD, my wife had to grow-up quick and become the MOTHER in her house as a child. She never had a good teen life and needed to re-live that timeframe at my expense now…. She needs to be liked by everyone and writes off those who displease her… because way deep down she's every bit as immature as I was. I'm not quite ready to post the entire more granular plan I will later… I want to get this out there though before I get banned permanently. People don't like being told its them… it is in every case and your spouse no one is immune from the "blame"… self-discovery is key. Some ESSENTIAL plan concepts. 1. Look in the mirror…. It takes a while to understand your role and your part in the current marriage. Most assuredly you have a large part in the disconnect. Identify your role and understand when you are doing the destructive behaviors. In my case I listened to my wife (MOTHER) when she told me what was wrong. I stopped those behaviors…problem is the unfulfilled sense of our marriage remained and she punished me by refusing to share the pail and shovel She herself decided to outsource the shovel (Emotional intimacy) and found herself drawn to a male friend emotionally… she had a multi-year daily emotional texting affair. Which she does not deny. I had to prove to her she was in one and using it as a crutch. The fog is thick. 2. Decide to change… I knew eventually I was emotionally weak in her eyes I understood although at the time I didn't have this easy to define label that I was essentially an emotionally immature man. We never fought and my wife called all the shots… Some people call this the "Nice guy" syndrome… in reality the Nice-guy is an emotionally immature man playing the role of SON. The MOTHER wants to bond with the SON initially but this over time is very unfulfilling. I had to understand that I needed to become a FATHER that's what I did. I redefined my relationship with my own kids that was early in the process… the fully forgave me. Then I worked on becoming the FATHER in my wife's eyes… problem was she was distracted in her emotional affair. She switched roles as I became more mature and devolved into the DAUGHTER….Know we were playing FATHER-DAUGHTER dance she was now my teen daughter (Facebook, gym, texting 1000 times a month another man). Our marriage dynamics changed but she now needed to really GROW-UP also. In reality the MOTHER role was a mask. Born out of her own childhood it was critical for her survival to hide behind this mask. Our own kids will eventually duplicate these roles in their marriage's…. they learn from us. They will both struggle and continue this with their spouses in time. I will talk to them before them marry so they have and understanding of what to look for. Hopefully that will help them. 3. Anger is a must….In becoming more of a FATHER I knew I had to display my feelings. I had to express my displeasure of what was wrong… I was fighting for control against a seemingly stronger spouse. I was tired of being dominated by my MOTHER. As I became this FATHER my wife reverted to the immature CHILD in our relationship…as I exposed her mask. I stood up to her EVERYTIME now gaining control. This generated authentic change in her. When I finally let go of the entire anger it came out in a full on rage. When she displayed anger back she got in touch with her inner CHILD… she had developed a mask hiding this deep emotional immaturity. She had to break down her mask devolve into the CHILD so she could authentically grow into the MOTHER role with me as the authentic FATHER. Only then could we hope to achieve renewed lifelong intimacy. We both had to finally grow up into our authentic selves and truly authentic MOTHER-FATHER roles…. The last almost four years is this grow-up process and self-discovery. I want to start with this. Later I will post more details in an easy to follow framework. This is heady stuff and you need to understand your roles in the marriage. I can assure you that if you look deep you will see these roles in yourself and your spouse. Opposites attract that is why so many of us are unfulfilled… these marital partnerships are easy to create but over time they are unfulfilled. Look at your own marriage and define it as either MOTHER-SON or FATHER-DAUGHTER…. Realize that deep down its just a PARENTAL mask of the one spouse in reality you are actually living in a DAUGHTER-SON marriage with two emotionally immature partners one doing everything in their power to hide behind their mask… in my case it was my wife. The "parent" is just pretending. You control you… really emotionally GROW UP and bring your spouse along then you both can be authentically happy again. The child spouse is closer to true reality. You both learned these roles in childhood and never realized it. Now you are here. Stay tuned for an easier to digest version of the plan. For now think and define your current roles. Look at the current bonding. For me this means purposely acting as the FATHER. I need to be cognizant of my tendencies not to share feelings and to punish my wife by withdrawing (Son behaviors). I needed to simply grow up. That means doing things I am not accustomed to doing like actually being a true success. I tend to be happy with the status quo and I know realize I need to do more. I need to be more engaged in everything. I need to stop thinking and more doing. This is critical for my wife to feel whole. Examine yourself that's the first step. Fix you then work on your spouse though your own actions. Its hard but over time it does work. This was just laying the groundwork so that I can make the details of the plan easier to follow later. Take the first step… look in the mirror and at your roles. You are either the authentic CHILD or the un-authentic PARENT if you are here looking for answers. Understand what you are and where you need to go. Then you can fix your marriage. Feel good books don't cut it this is dirty work… but very rewarding as long as you can be patient for change. Inside each one of us is a kid and an adult... understand your role and you will be on the path of THE PLAN. Stay tuned for Part 2. When I get around to it later. Hope this helps someone to a better marriage. T2 | |||
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