| Over the last three years of being married I have had low points where I struggle. I would visit TAM, but never join, mostly to see that there were people who had worse problems than me. Recently I had a really low day. It was so bad that I actually made an account. The next day was also really hard, and I actually posted and vented my frustration. I will try to sum up my issues, but I sense this will be a long post. It is really so I can vent and be honest with myself. It is harder to lie when I am writing it down and have to read it over and over again knowing if I am hiding or not. So here it is. I fell in love with a woman while we were both going to the same junior college. We dated for five years, and then she returned to her home country to see if she would rather live there. We kept up the long distance relationship and after a little over a year I started the VISA paperwork, and she moved back here to the United States after about 2 years total away. We have now been married for 3 years. I have always known that I was madly in love with my wife, but felt that she was not as happy with me. I have tried so hard to make a life she could be happy with, but I will never be able to provide her the standard of living she was raised with. When I first joined TAM my initial post was made out of frustration. I was so upset with the response to my first post. People were either saying that she was a bad wife, or that I was a "nice guy" and that was the problem. I felt guilty that I had portrayed her unfairly. So I started new reduced posts with more central topics for issues I was dealing with. The community still came back to the same conclusions. The most frustrating part for me is that I know I sugar coated it. I can't even manipulate my story to make it sound that much better. I found myself lying to the TAM community, to protect my wife, all while trying to bury the real truth from the forefront of my mind. Even now I don't know if I can really be honest. I find myself justifying everything before I allow myself to write it. I live in a sexless marriage. The real reason I don't know. I know why I stopped trying. My wife does not want to have sex with me. She tells me, and I tell myself, that it is because of the difference in size between our genitals, and basically mine does not fit well. I don't know if that is the real reason, but I honestly think it is part of the problem if not the whole problem. The rest of the truth is harder to put out there. I feel like she has conditioned me, probably without the intent to do so, not to want sex. I want my wife to want to have sex and sexual relations with me. I don't want it to feel like I am forcing her. Everything sexual is just such a massive chore for her. If I get her to touch my genitals it is for literally seconds. She will start to give me a handjob, and almost instantly she has to use her other hand to support the working hand. She seems all dejected and irritated, like it is really hard work. I feel awful. So I never bring it up. Blow jobs ar e an absolute no go. It hurts her mouth to be continuously opened that wide for more than a few seconds. I know people out there are laughing at this. That is why I don't bring it up. I can't talk to the few friends I have, because it would never be a serious discussion. Oral sex on her is also something she is not very interested in. She just is not comfortable, and she thinks it is weird. Sex. Sex is the worst. I have so much guilt tied up in constantly hurting her. Sometimes it is really sharp and obvious, other times it is just an intense soarness after sex. I don't know what to think. There have been times when she could have sex and not be injured. We went through a period where we would have sex maybe once a month. Everytime we would get to a point where she would orgasm, or so I thought she did. Then she would tell me to sit up and we could make love like that. I was all about it the first time, but than it came to mean something else. This is hard to put because peo ple will think it is a joke, but here it goes. She would get on top almost instantly slap my stomach and say this would be easier with out this (pointing to belly) and then she would pretty much go cold fish and lay there. I don't like to admit this but the reason we are "sexless" and not "sex starved" is because I wont ask anymore. I don't know what to think about all this. Sadly deep down I hope it is a medical issue, I would be so hurt if the truth was a disinterest in me. I joke that I am fat, cause for the most part I am. However I have been much fatter in the past. I don't think I am ready to be honest about the real way I lost the weight. I am not entirely honest with myself. I weighed over 270 when we were dating. about 260 when we were married. Over the last year I have dropped down to 200. I even dipped below in to the 190's. I have not been that light since elementary school. I give people all sorts of reasons to hide the real one. This is causing other problems for me. That is why I started a post about flirting with other women. It was not a danger I ever had to deal with in my relationship. I was one of those cliche guys who won women over with his personality. I feel like everyday someone points out how much weight I have lost. I am not sure what my wife thinks. I think she is happy about it for health reasons. Mostly she complains about my clothes situation, and that nothing fits. I just want her to want me I would be happy fat or thin. She has never been happy that I only got a two year degree. I know I should have finished back when I was the "right age". It was just a rough, and very poor time in my life. After my two year degree I dropped out and became a caregiver. For someone diagnosed as a "nice guy" it is probably the most fulfilling job I could have done. Overworked and under payed means little when everyday you can see the good you do. I was so good at it. It was not a job that led to anything...career like. After several years of dealing with the financial hardship, my love was going home trying to decide if she wanted to be with me. I took an unfulfilling job that paid more. Here I am. This job might pay more, but still not enough. So we saved and bought a rental. I don't mind the extra work, but she is tired of the stress of dealing with it. I am not great with money. I don't buy "large purchases" my problem is with the little stuff. Breakfast in the morning, or if I forget to make coffee I will stop for some. Smoking is my big expense. So I just give her my paychecks, and rent from rental. She has multiple accounts and she can do what she wants with it. It bothers her that she is has to manage the finances. She wants to go home. I need a bachelors to go with her. So now I am about 6 months from finishing that. I know as I reread this people will point out how many changes I have made. They were not necessarily bad changes though, I don't regret them. I do realize now that maybe no matter how much I change, her feelings toward me might not. After having a lengthy discussion on TAM one night about dealing with being in a sexless marriage I had a minor mental break down. I just could not shake the thoughts in my head and I did not like what I was thinking about. Everything was just rushing in, and I just wanted to turn it off and go to sleep. Around 1 in the morning I started to cry in bed. I was embarrassed on so many levels, and I was so worried that my wife would hear me and wake up. I love her so much and don't want to hurt her. I don't want to start a path that I know will end with her being hurt. I worry that counselling might be that path, so I have not brought it up. I would do anything to make her happy. Even sacrifice my own. Everyone on TAM, I think, assumes my name guyready2giveup was referring to giving up on my marriage, but that was not the case. It was supposed to be guyready2giveuponhappiness, but that was way to long to type in every time I logged on so I shortened it. I know many will reach the same conclusion other posters from previous threads have. I suffer from the "Nice Guy" problem. It took several discussions for me to believe and really understand what that meant. I wish I never would have. I am generally a really happy guy. I struggle with aspects of my life and relationship, but I figure everyone does. Now I can't stop thinking about the "nice guy" traits I have, and how so many of the small "good" things I do on a daily basis are really bad for me. It is really getting me down in the dumps and I feel like absolutely nothing I do is worthwhile now. I notice so much more. For instance last night I went out to get my wife a movie, some alcohol and some Chinese food. I ended up running late because the Redbox I had issues with my card not reading so I went to a different one, and it took an extra 20 minutes or so. She was not happy when I got home, and I could tell with how snippy she was. In the past I would have just taken my lump s and rolled with it. Now I rip myself up on the inside. I get angry with myself for feeling bad that I was not doing it fast enough. After I unpacked her Chinese food she told me the neighbor came over and was asking for help. I did not even upack my dollar burger I got for myself, maybe she was angry because she knew I would put off the movie and go help. They had family in for a few days and were trying to park an RV. They were having issues leveling it and so they came to me. My "nice guy" issues extend beyond just my relationship. Again now that I know that I see things differently and it is depressing. Old me would happily run out dig through his shop and find the right tools and scrap materials to jack up their RV, and be pleased with myself. New me sees that once I show up everyone else goes inside to have fun, and leaves me to deal with a problem that was never mine. New me is again pissed at myself, and a little at the neighbors. Not that I would say anything to an ybody. It is just who I am, I have always been this way. I don't know if I can change. I really hate being depressed all the time now. Even if before I was only fooling myself. Better to be a happy fool, than enlightened and depressed. I will finish my degree in about 6 months. I will than start looking for jobs overseas so I can take her home. I hope that will make her happy. I just honestly don't know. I wish I could get her to want counseling for herself or us. As much as it hurts to write this, I wish she would just leave me. I think she would be happier with someone else. I feel it is selfish of me, but I love her to much to push her away. Even if that is what is best for her. | |||
| | |||
| | |||
|
No comments:
Post a Comment