| Have been with H for 25 years now...found out in 2011 and 2012 that H had two EA's...because he was unhappy in the marriage...tried to put the blame on me..I was not a good wife, was not getting what he needed from me, etc. etc. We ended up trying to R but honestly I think I have too much anger and resentment to be happy with him...I think I should of at that time separated not kept him living in the same house with me. Fast forwad to now..I still have a ton of resentment toward him, feel like I am depressed about being married to him...everything he does when he is home and in between jobs annoys the heck out of me...currently he has been home for 3 weeks and will not start another job for another week or so. To me when you do not look forward to the weekends because your spouse is going to be around home that is not a good sign...and it is becoming more and more like that for myself. Plus when I look in the future not sure if this is the person I want to spend the next 40 years of my life with...you know when you think about going thru difficult times that will inevitably come up thru life I don't find myself thinking yes this is the guy I want by my side during those times. Whenever I suggest a separation (sometimes when I say this I get a panicky feeling of omg is this what I really want..then when we get over the arugment/fight I start feeling those same negative feelings toward him again)...that is when I feel conflicted do I want a separation or not....I always thought once you make a decision like this you should be comfortable with it not conflicted... He has said when I bring up separation well if that is what you want I will just stay at the house for a couple of months until I find a place...and then the thought of him doing that sickens me...I am the type that when I make a decision I just want it done now...the tension and uncomfortableness of still living with him would drive me crazy plus our adult son still lives at home so walking around pretending in front of him does not appeal to me. Plus I am scared that if I have a good day will I find myself thinking well no maybe I will try to work it out only to go back and forth...I just want a separation in order to see if this is truly what I want but the moment I decide that I want the separation now not a month or two down the road. When I look in the future I often think about how happy I would be being single, etc. but then I get scared too because I have been with him since I was 19 so is it fear and concern about what others might think..is that what is making me stay??? Any words of wisdom for a conflicted wife? | |||
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