| Hello, I will keep this as simple as I can and I apologize beforehand for the long ramblings...but please bare with me and read it, I need some advice. Me and my girlfriend have been together for 10 months or so, to be honest we were always opposites (to some degree I expected the relationship to be a challenge!), but what bothers me more is the decline of my relationship due to my depression/social anxiety but also in part due to her misunderstanding of my problems. We have arguments which stem from me taking something too seriously (jumping to conclusion), or her being a little bit apathetic towards me. I will give an example of a typical argument we may have...she might say something to me like: "hey do you follow politics?", I reply with yes, and she will ask me whom I support. I might say: "..well I support person X, but I'm not sure of whom which party they support locally". She would respond in a very brash manner something like, "So you support 'so and so' and you don't even know which Councillor supports X?" At this point in my head, I am ruminating about what she is getting at and she is irritating and infuriating me because I may get a bit uptight and defensive at her scornful criticism something which i've never been able to kind of bare. Not just with her, but generally I'm very sensitive and rocky with things such as this situation. Over time, stuff like this would annoy me about her, I would bottle it up and would kind of explode in my depressive episodes, and cry and get upset and have waves of mixed emotion. Blame myself for things and generally being insecure. Secondly, there is the whole issue of her not really understanding my depression and its relevance in such situations and about how it literally affects my thinking. Her attitude to my depression is that I should just: "She the glass as half full", "be happy", "life is too short", these are the kinds of things she says to me, which further makes me feel like crap and reinforces my inadequacy. Her main lecture to me about mental health and such is that she says things like "nothing in life is that bad....what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". I have suffered from depression since 2011, it pretty much wrecked my education, I had to re-start university again. This was just before I met her, so I guess I wasn't really all that stable beforehand. But essentially what I am trying to say is that she is does not really understand my lows and is misinformed about mental health. Tells me that I can control it, and help it. Yes to some extent, re-assigning the way I think. But there isn't a quick fix remedy to depression. I think over time, I have resented her attitude towards me. Because whenever I have an issue, or I have something that bothers me I bottle it up for weeks and then it just comes out twice as bad, and I really upset her. And it isn't always something about her. I think I just bring her down. I just have problems expressing myself when its right to do so, in some respects I am scared of losing her and so I am not always blunt and direct when I feel pressed by her or if I have problems in other areas of my life. I am just scared of upsetting her that 'last time', I have done it too often, I have had to beg her back. Last time she told me that she is "sick of my moods, and can't cope with my sadness", and that if I don't change she will leave me. Furthermore whenever I do tell her the problems, it somehow turns out that I've hurt her and upset her, and 'broke her heart'. I am concerned that she doesn't love me anymore. I get that gut feeling that she doesn't feel love for me, like we both resent each other. But I believe that she is wanting to leave me but can't. My mind is all over the place, I am insecure, paranoid, angry, sad and resentful about her, all at the same time. But most importantly I love her to bits, and it feels like my relationship is over before we've even ended it. The spirit of it is dead certainly. I have a colorful history with depression/mental health, and I have seen countless GPs since my depression began in 2011. I have also been on SSRI's (medication), but stopped taking it like 3/4 months ago because I wanted to be off meds. I don't know what to do, I haven't been to the doctors in months and the more I leave it the worse the anxiety gets. I can't cope with this daunting depressive cloud over my head. I feel like my girlfriend hates me, and it is tiring me out. I am emotionally withering away (no exaggeration). It hurts like hell, the thought of her dumping me, but I feel like the end is nigh. I don't want to go to the doctors because I think he will judge me, bizarrely, because I was supposed to go back for regular appts but I felt fine so I didn't. Sorry for my incoherence in the post, I am not thinking properly and have missed out an awful lot of what I wanted to say. I always spend all my energies in writing these threads, and never feel satisfied in explaining my problem, which ironically causes me more stress, depression and anxiety. It is a vicious cycle. I don't know what to do, I want to stay with my girlfriend, but I am having so many thoughts in my head that it isn't clear anymore. I think I need help again, but feel like I'll be stigmatized. I fear the repercussions of a relapse of depression, because I don't feel my girlfriend will stick around to help me through it. Apologies for my grammar and spelling. Any advice? Cheers :) | |||
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