I cheated on my husband.

I'm new to this site, so I'm not entirely sure where to start or what I hope to gain from this, mostly talking about it helps me. Especially to those not in my personal circle or friends and family. I have been married to my husband for 8 months and last month in December I cheated on him. I'd give anything to take the pain away that I have caused him and myself through this selfish act. The story went, in my opinion like this . . . Married life with my husband was great for the most part. We definitely have issues in our sex life which I will go further into detail should anyone desire to know. We each had small things that bothered us about one another, nothing majorly wrong. We recently bought a house and have been working hard to pay for and maintain this. While being a newlywed has been blissful it has also been lonely for me. My husband spent a good period of time in his office separate from me but still in our house. There he would work endless hours on creating iphone Apps and never really putting much effort into spending time with me or enjoying life as a newlywed. Change is hard for me so moving wasn't easy. I have been going through some rough stuff that nee ded extra attention and love i.e. my mother died in August 2012, My older sister is mentally younger and I have had to take on the role of our mom in some ways regarding helping her with her three small children, and living in this big house i was determined to make it feel like "home" while ill never say I'm a cook I learned a little baking and did all the cleaning, laundry, and decorating in our new house. Before marriage these were things we did as a team. granted I did them because I wanted to be a good wife I never thought it would make me feel so empty inside. All the while my best friend who I spend hours on the phone with daily and most saturdays with had just recently started a new job and had almost no time to talk with me or spend time with me. Within months of feeling lonely and dropping hints to him, I met another man, actually he was a customer at my coffee stand and I had been serving him for months with no real connection to him other than him being a custome r. One day in early December he contacted me via Facebook. His message included details of how he really liked me and a plethora of inviting compliments that I so desperately desired from my husband. That being said I developed an "emotional affair" with the OM and over the span of three weeks. it was physical (oral sex) one time. After the altercation I felt so much remorse and guilt for what I had done I tried (poorly) to end it, I used a cop out that I knew would give him false hope but it was my way of letting him down easy. I told him I would like to still talk and try to be friends but nothing more. In the days to follow my husband found the early stage of the facebook messages and confronted me. I told him some of the truth because I was afraid of him being hurt, afraid of him leaving me, and honestly thought he wouldn't find the whole truth. We fought constantly for days, I was fighting to hide the truth and he was fighting to know the whole truth. He suspected there was more to my story and gaps that he couldn't ignore. Eventually I gave in and told him the FULL and COMPLETE TRUTH. Since then i've been an open book to him, he has access to all my accounts and my phone. I bought a new phone and changed my number to alleviate any issues moving forward. I know that what i've done to him is inexcusable and will take months or years to recover from, if ever. I know it may not seen like it but I love this man with all my heart and will do everything it takes to save our marriage. Currently I have a polygraph scheduled for next week to confirm things he still questions and we are going to MC and IC weekly. any advice would be greatly appreciated. I expect the to hear mean words because I really did screw up but go easy, I definitely get the hateful words enough from him.

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