My partner and I are in a gay relationship. We have been together for 6 years now. We always have agreed that pornography is disgusting and not what we wanted inside a relationship. We also agreed we would never masturbate. There was a time a few years ago that I found pornography on the computer, confronted him to which he denied, and I just let it go and forgot about it. Since then, there have been a few instances in which I masturbated to pornography as well, keeping it from my partner.
Most recently, there was a day where he was overly stressed and I selfishly felt as if I had done anything wrong, even though he never directly said that I did. So, I told him to relax in his chair with his feet up and I would give him time to wind down while I work on a gift I was making him in the bedroom. The gift was a scrapbook that I had been working on for almost a year to make up for a big blow up fight that happened the year prior. After completing a new page, I stopped working on that and proceeded to masturbate while looking at pornography. During the act, he got a suspicion and called me out of the room. Backed into a corner, I walked out and he saw that I had an erection that I was trying to hide. He asked if I was jerking off and I lied at first. After about 10 minutes I came clean and admitted to the entire thing. He came clean about times in the past that he has and I revealed times in the past that I had.
This turned into a 2 month fight about what I had done, how much of a betrayal it was with him right in the other room, how worthless I made him feel and unwanted, and how disgusting I am for doing that. I handled this improperly and was defensive, tried pointing out the times that he has, arguing, being *****y, and acting as if I didn't care. All along, I care tremendously about fixing things, rebuilding trust, and proving that I'll never do that again and that he is all that I want, think about, fantasize about, and need for the rest of my life. He was looking for me to be overly emotional and crying to prove I was sorry and I found it very difficult to show my emotion. I didn't know how to fix it because i dug myself into a deep hole.
After about 2 months, I finally started making progress, showing emotion, and trying to make up for this. I'm trying to show my attraction sexually, do positive things for him, surprise him, reassure him, show him my remorse, and move things forward.
Has anybody been in this situation? How do I prove that the pornography had nothing to do with a lack of attraction? How do I prove that he is all I want? How do I rebuild trust? How do I make up for what I've done? Any input at all on the entire situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
Most recently, there was a day where he was overly stressed and I selfishly felt as if I had done anything wrong, even though he never directly said that I did. So, I told him to relax in his chair with his feet up and I would give him time to wind down while I work on a gift I was making him in the bedroom. The gift was a scrapbook that I had been working on for almost a year to make up for a big blow up fight that happened the year prior. After completing a new page, I stopped working on that and proceeded to masturbate while looking at pornography. During the act, he got a suspicion and called me out of the room. Backed into a corner, I walked out and he saw that I had an erection that I was trying to hide. He asked if I was jerking off and I lied at first. After about 10 minutes I came clean and admitted to the entire thing. He came clean about times in the past that he has and I revealed times in the past that I had.
This turned into a 2 month fight about what I had done, how much of a betrayal it was with him right in the other room, how worthless I made him feel and unwanted, and how disgusting I am for doing that. I handled this improperly and was defensive, tried pointing out the times that he has, arguing, being *****y, and acting as if I didn't care. All along, I care tremendously about fixing things, rebuilding trust, and proving that I'll never do that again and that he is all that I want, think about, fantasize about, and need for the rest of my life. He was looking for me to be overly emotional and crying to prove I was sorry and I found it very difficult to show my emotion. I didn't know how to fix it because i dug myself into a deep hole.
After about 2 months, I finally started making progress, showing emotion, and trying to make up for this. I'm trying to show my attraction sexually, do positive things for him, surprise him, reassure him, show him my remorse, and move things forward.
Has anybody been in this situation? How do I prove that the pornography had nothing to do with a lack of attraction? How do I prove that he is all I want? How do I rebuild trust? How do I make up for what I've done? Any input at all on the entire situation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!
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