I hope this is the right place. Long post ahead.
I really don't know where to begin. My husband I will have been married only 3 years in November. I've been reading articles on what verbal/emotional abuse looks like. I've read about gaslighting. I've read other people's stories. And each time, there are bits and pieces that make me say to myself, "this sounds like what's happening to me..."
I started writing things down, doing my best to remember everything I could. I eventually put it into Word and it was 30 pages long. I couldn't believe I had that much to say! I didn't realize I was holding so much in. I didn't realize how long it had actually been going on (if it had even been going on at all).
We've started counseling and I brought up my concerns about his abusive tendencies. I made sure to say to her that I'm not immediately saying he is abusive, but that he's displaying certain behaviors. That'd be like googling your symptoms and diagnosing yourself from WebMD. I didn't want to diagnose my own situation.
I've started taking anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds. I'm stress-yawning as I type this. My anxiety symptoms are deep breaths, shaking, my heart feels like it's racing (when I check my pulse it isn't), clenching teeth. I believe that my anxiety is caused from not only this situation, but from realizing he is the underlying cause.
I've always been told I'm a tender-hearted, kind, selfless person. Always making sure others are taken care of before myself. My husband has told me that I am abusing him (twice), called me selfish, told me I'm hurting him, not showing him enough love, etc. Of course if my husband is bringing these things to my attention I'm going to worry and do my best to fix whatever it is I'm doing! I'm abusing him??? (Eventually he came out and said that he just said that in the heat of the moment. It still hurt...)
For the past year or more we have been arguing every weekend. I dread the weekends. "What are we going to argue about this weekend?" It's ridiculous. I always end up crying and apologizing for something. I can't help but ask myself if I really am this bad!
If you asked me for examples of things I've had to say sorry for, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I don't know why I can't remember. All I know for certain is that I get told I've done something wrong in some way, cry, and apologize. Of course if I've legitimately done something wrong I'm going to say sorry! I'm not trying to say I'm not at fault. I'm just baffled at how I'm always saying sorry at the end of arguments.
I finally admitted to him one day that I've felt afraid of him for over a year (oh my gosh I remember how hard it was for me to work myself up to say that - I almost didn't). Not afraid that he'll hit me, although he did pick up a candle and swing his arm back, but he never threw it and apologized right after (profusely). it still scared me though. And recently he threw his keys down hard onto the kitchen table. That scared me too. I worry every day about how I'm going to mess up and upset/disappoint him.
He told me recently that had I told him sooner that he was doing this to me, he would have tried to change before it got too bad, but that I waited too long and now look where we are. I feel like there is something in the back of my mind that is screaming "you did! You did try, he just didn't listen. He shrugged it off." But as soon as I go look for that information it's like...data is missing. A page missing from a book. And I have to ask myself, "maybe I never did bring it up..."
He can't stand that I'm tired all the time. I love sleep. In high school I would go to bed at 8:30 if I finished my homework on time. I've always felt like I needed a lot of sleep. But then, it bothers him when I can stay up really late when I'm playing my favorite video game.
"Why can't you ever stay up late for me?" he gets upset. I feel bad and say sorry. I don't know why I can't stay up late when we are doing something like watching a movie or just chatting (like we even chat anymore...). I simply can't stay up late like I can with the game....sometimes I can. But whenever I can't, I always feel horrible. He gets upset when I say I'm too tired to have sex. "You're always tired! Don't you love me?" etc.
I've resorted to asking him if it's okay for me to go to bed (at 9:30pm). He'll sigh and groan and just visibly seem frustrated. So I feel bad. I shouldn't have to ask if I can go to bed, right?
I try and tell him (if we talk about watching a movie and I'm already starting to feel tired) that he can't get mad at me if halfway through I'm yawning every 5 seconds or nodding off, or just struggling to keep my eyes open (because he has before). Sometimes he still will though and he'll go "UGH" really loudly and send me off to bed. And again he'll be upset with me because I can stay up late for a video game. I don't know why! And so I walk down these stairs, head hanging. I messed up.
Is he like that all the time when I can't stay up for a movie or only make it halfway? No, sometimes he's really sweet about it. He'll take my hand and walk downstairs with me, cooing "sweet nothings." He'll tuck me into bed and then cuddle. I liked those times...
One of the arguments we had recently was when he had just gotten home from an event. We had a fight the night before that we didn't resolve. He had a "list" of things he wanted to go over, he told me. I was exhausted from being sick and was doing my best to discuss and not get frustrated.
But he said something and I lost control.
He said "You sound really cold and uninterested in what I have to say"
(me) "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to come across that way. I'm - "
(him) "Well you are and it's hurting me!" he interrupted.
Now, where have I heard that before...
(me) "You know, I've said that to you before when you say something and you tell me to stop assuming you're coming across as mean."
(him) "Yeah, yeah I know. But you are as a FACT coming across as cold."
(me) "So I'm wrong in both ways? Wrong for assuming your tone of voice and wrong for how I'm talking?"
(Him) "Don't be selfish, this isn't about you right now. It's about how you're hurting me." he snapped.
I tell him we'll continue, but that this was something we needed to clear up right now.
(him) "No"
I blew up. I yelled. I cussed (I hate cussing). I locked myself in the bedroom. He then unlocked it and opened the door and accidentally hurt my toe. I blew up again and yelled "I hate you!" I didn't hate him, but I definitely didn't like him at that moment.
The next day I was finally able to describe what I felt that night. Backed into a corner and told I'm wrong, wrong, and couldn't defend myself. I was told I was being selfish.
He has told me he wants a divorce before.
He's always the one to say things like,
I've always told him, "No! That's not what I want, I want to work through this!"
------
Why does he say things like "Hey, don't walk away!" or "What? Where are you going?" if the conversation isn't going anywhere or if we aren't even talking? If I'm just standing there doing nothing? If I want to go elsewhere in the house do I need permission? If I don't want to stand by you while you do your thing just because you want and enjoy my presence when I want to do other things, shouldn't I be able to do that without feeling bad? It almost sounds controlling when he does that. I just want to be able to walk in my own home.
------
It bothers me when I want to shave my legs and he is home. He's all over the place.
(him) "Looks like it's time for you to shave." So I go shave.
(him) "You took ages! I can't believe it takes you this long to shave!"
I feel bad afterwards...but he has also said to me, "Don't rush when you shave so that you don't cut yourself."
So sometimes I just wait as long as I can to shave and wait for a day he is busy and won't be paying attention to the time or when he's not home.
------
I had a very low depression day last month. It turned into him saying, "your depression is hurting me!" along with...
"You need to SHOW me that you love me!"
"I'm your husband, I should be able to bring you comfort when you're depressed."
"I get that you're depressed, but you're hurting me!"
"I should be able to make you happy, not the game!"
"If you can't show me love then why are we together."
"If you won't show me love or any emotion tonight then you need to leave this house."
------
He says a lot of if, then statements.
"If you don't show me you love me, I will leave" or
"If you don't say something right now..."
or a week ago, "If you don't miss me while I'm gone (on a business trip), then we might as well get divorce papers ready." (He doesn't remember saying this at all and tried to deny saying it.)
He hasn't necessarily "threatened" suicide before, but he has said things like,
He had tried to commit suicide in the past, way before I met him, so it worries me.
------
He desperately tried to stop us from going to counseling.
"If we're so bad that we need counseling, then we might as well just be over now."
"Why don't you just try reading a book first?"
"We can't afford counseling!" (I have full access to our bank accounts. Of course we can.)
He eventually decided he would do it.
------
I now don't want to kiss him. It doesn't feel good. At all. I scrunch my face and wait for it to stop. My anxiety raises when he tries to just place a hand on my shoulder. Sometimes it's okay when he does. I get stiff and rigid when he wants to hug/cuddle. The last time we had sex (I said yes to it) I cried afterward and was just glad when it was over.
There is a small voice in my head saying, "go just go!" When he was gone on his business trip, I really didn't miss him. He was gone for a week and each day it got a little easier not having him here. We texted back and forth a little though. It's scary realizing that's how I felt.
But the other part of me wants to repair it. I fell in love with him before, right?
I feel like my current state of anxiety and depression is going to make it hard to see improvement.
He has told me that for the last 2 months he was been trying to get better and fix everything about himself. Honestly? I'm not really seeing anything... He's shown a lot of concern for our relationship and seems willing to change, but I know it's going to be hard for me to get used to doing the things that scared me before. Like not having to ask to go to bed early. Or if it's okay to play video games.
I know I need to work on how I communicate too.
I just feel like I have my back to a door. Waiting for him to do something so bad that I say "that's it." I feel like I'm close. I'm scared. He's been crying, pleading, begging for this to get better.
I feel numb. I think I still love him. But I don't know if it's romantic love or the love you might feel for a friend or family member. It's hard to feel it over everything else.
I don't know what to do other than continue counseling.
I really don't know where to begin. My husband I will have been married only 3 years in November. I've been reading articles on what verbal/emotional abuse looks like. I've read about gaslighting. I've read other people's stories. And each time, there are bits and pieces that make me say to myself, "this sounds like what's happening to me..."
I started writing things down, doing my best to remember everything I could. I eventually put it into Word and it was 30 pages long. I couldn't believe I had that much to say! I didn't realize I was holding so much in. I didn't realize how long it had actually been going on (if it had even been going on at all).
We've started counseling and I brought up my concerns about his abusive tendencies. I made sure to say to her that I'm not immediately saying he is abusive, but that he's displaying certain behaviors. That'd be like googling your symptoms and diagnosing yourself from WebMD. I didn't want to diagnose my own situation.
I've started taking anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds. I'm stress-yawning as I type this. My anxiety symptoms are deep breaths, shaking, my heart feels like it's racing (when I check my pulse it isn't), clenching teeth. I believe that my anxiety is caused from not only this situation, but from realizing he is the underlying cause.
I've always been told I'm a tender-hearted, kind, selfless person. Always making sure others are taken care of before myself. My husband has told me that I am abusing him (twice), called me selfish, told me I'm hurting him, not showing him enough love, etc. Of course if my husband is bringing these things to my attention I'm going to worry and do my best to fix whatever it is I'm doing! I'm abusing him??? (Eventually he came out and said that he just said that in the heat of the moment. It still hurt...)
For the past year or more we have been arguing every weekend. I dread the weekends. "What are we going to argue about this weekend?" It's ridiculous. I always end up crying and apologizing for something. I can't help but ask myself if I really am this bad!
If you asked me for examples of things I've had to say sorry for, I wouldn't be able to tell you. I don't know why I can't remember. All I know for certain is that I get told I've done something wrong in some way, cry, and apologize. Of course if I've legitimately done something wrong I'm going to say sorry! I'm not trying to say I'm not at fault. I'm just baffled at how I'm always saying sorry at the end of arguments.
I finally admitted to him one day that I've felt afraid of him for over a year (oh my gosh I remember how hard it was for me to work myself up to say that - I almost didn't). Not afraid that he'll hit me, although he did pick up a candle and swing his arm back, but he never threw it and apologized right after (profusely). it still scared me though. And recently he threw his keys down hard onto the kitchen table. That scared me too. I worry every day about how I'm going to mess up and upset/disappoint him.
He told me recently that had I told him sooner that he was doing this to me, he would have tried to change before it got too bad, but that I waited too long and now look where we are. I feel like there is something in the back of my mind that is screaming "you did! You did try, he just didn't listen. He shrugged it off." But as soon as I go look for that information it's like...data is missing. A page missing from a book. And I have to ask myself, "maybe I never did bring it up..."
He can't stand that I'm tired all the time. I love sleep. In high school I would go to bed at 8:30 if I finished my homework on time. I've always felt like I needed a lot of sleep. But then, it bothers him when I can stay up really late when I'm playing my favorite video game.
"Why can't you ever stay up late for me?" he gets upset. I feel bad and say sorry. I don't know why I can't stay up late when we are doing something like watching a movie or just chatting (like we even chat anymore...). I simply can't stay up late like I can with the game....sometimes I can. But whenever I can't, I always feel horrible. He gets upset when I say I'm too tired to have sex. "You're always tired! Don't you love me?" etc.
I've resorted to asking him if it's okay for me to go to bed (at 9:30pm). He'll sigh and groan and just visibly seem frustrated. So I feel bad. I shouldn't have to ask if I can go to bed, right?
I try and tell him (if we talk about watching a movie and I'm already starting to feel tired) that he can't get mad at me if halfway through I'm yawning every 5 seconds or nodding off, or just struggling to keep my eyes open (because he has before). Sometimes he still will though and he'll go "UGH" really loudly and send me off to bed. And again he'll be upset with me because I can stay up late for a video game. I don't know why! And so I walk down these stairs, head hanging. I messed up.
Is he like that all the time when I can't stay up for a movie or only make it halfway? No, sometimes he's really sweet about it. He'll take my hand and walk downstairs with me, cooing "sweet nothings." He'll tuck me into bed and then cuddle. I liked those times...
One of the arguments we had recently was when he had just gotten home from an event. We had a fight the night before that we didn't resolve. He had a "list" of things he wanted to go over, he told me. I was exhausted from being sick and was doing my best to discuss and not get frustrated.
But he said something and I lost control.
He said "You sound really cold and uninterested in what I have to say"
(me) "I'm sorry, I'm not trying to come across that way. I'm - "
(him) "Well you are and it's hurting me!" he interrupted.
Now, where have I heard that before...
(me) "You know, I've said that to you before when you say something and you tell me to stop assuming you're coming across as mean."
(him) "Yeah, yeah I know. But you are as a FACT coming across as cold."
(me) "So I'm wrong in both ways? Wrong for assuming your tone of voice and wrong for how I'm talking?"
(Him) "Don't be selfish, this isn't about you right now. It's about how you're hurting me." he snapped.
I tell him we'll continue, but that this was something we needed to clear up right now.
(him) "No"
I blew up. I yelled. I cussed (I hate cussing). I locked myself in the bedroom. He then unlocked it and opened the door and accidentally hurt my toe. I blew up again and yelled "I hate you!" I didn't hate him, but I definitely didn't like him at that moment.
The next day I was finally able to describe what I felt that night. Backed into a corner and told I'm wrong, wrong, and couldn't defend myself. I was told I was being selfish.
He has told me he wants a divorce before.
He's always the one to say things like,
- "Do we need to split up?"
- "Maybe we just aren't compatible"
- "I think this might be it"
- "Maybe we really do need to slit up," etc...
I've always told him, "No! That's not what I want, I want to work through this!"
------
Why does he say things like "Hey, don't walk away!" or "What? Where are you going?" if the conversation isn't going anywhere or if we aren't even talking? If I'm just standing there doing nothing? If I want to go elsewhere in the house do I need permission? If I don't want to stand by you while you do your thing just because you want and enjoy my presence when I want to do other things, shouldn't I be able to do that without feeling bad? It almost sounds controlling when he does that. I just want to be able to walk in my own home.
------
It bothers me when I want to shave my legs and he is home. He's all over the place.
(him) "Looks like it's time for you to shave." So I go shave.
(him) "You took ages! I can't believe it takes you this long to shave!"
I feel bad afterwards...but he has also said to me, "Don't rush when you shave so that you don't cut yourself."
So sometimes I just wait as long as I can to shave and wait for a day he is busy and won't be paying attention to the time or when he's not home.
------
I had a very low depression day last month. It turned into him saying, "your depression is hurting me!" along with...
"You need to SHOW me that you love me!"
"I'm your husband, I should be able to bring you comfort when you're depressed."
"I get that you're depressed, but you're hurting me!"
"I should be able to make you happy, not the game!"
"If you can't show me love then why are we together."
"If you won't show me love or any emotion tonight then you need to leave this house."
------
He says a lot of if, then statements.
"If you don't show me you love me, I will leave" or
"If you don't say something right now..."
or a week ago, "If you don't miss me while I'm gone (on a business trip), then we might as well get divorce papers ready." (He doesn't remember saying this at all and tried to deny saying it.)
He hasn't necessarily "threatened" suicide before, but he has said things like,
- "If I hadn't have met you, I don't think I would be alive right now."
- "I don't think I would be able to live without you."
- "If you leave, I can't promise that I won't kill myself."
- "If we had a gun in the house, I don't know if I'd be able to stop myself."
He had tried to commit suicide in the past, way before I met him, so it worries me.
------
He desperately tried to stop us from going to counseling.
"If we're so bad that we need counseling, then we might as well just be over now."
"Why don't you just try reading a book first?"
"We can't afford counseling!" (I have full access to our bank accounts. Of course we can.)
He eventually decided he would do it.
------
I now don't want to kiss him. It doesn't feel good. At all. I scrunch my face and wait for it to stop. My anxiety raises when he tries to just place a hand on my shoulder. Sometimes it's okay when he does. I get stiff and rigid when he wants to hug/cuddle. The last time we had sex (I said yes to it) I cried afterward and was just glad when it was over.
There is a small voice in my head saying, "go just go!" When he was gone on his business trip, I really didn't miss him. He was gone for a week and each day it got a little easier not having him here. We texted back and forth a little though. It's scary realizing that's how I felt.
But the other part of me wants to repair it. I fell in love with him before, right?
I feel like my current state of anxiety and depression is going to make it hard to see improvement.
He has told me that for the last 2 months he was been trying to get better and fix everything about himself. Honestly? I'm not really seeing anything... He's shown a lot of concern for our relationship and seems willing to change, but I know it's going to be hard for me to get used to doing the things that scared me before. Like not having to ask to go to bed early. Or if it's okay to play video games.
I know I need to work on how I communicate too.
I just feel like I have my back to a door. Waiting for him to do something so bad that I say "that's it." I feel like I'm close. I'm scared. He's been crying, pleading, begging for this to get better.
I feel numb. I think I still love him. But I don't know if it's romantic love or the love you might feel for a friend or family member. It's hard to feel it over everything else.
I don't know what to do other than continue counseling.
Put the internet to work for you.
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