Hello,
This may sound similar to another thread(s) which is a good thing.(Common Problems)
I have been married for 20 years. I have 3 children, 2 girls (15 and 12), and 1 son(22 my prior marriage)
She is probably the greatest woman I know but we have had serious communication problems over the years and our limited compatibility has moved to very incompatible as you will read below. We are not arguing and have a lot of "projects" going on. We are great business partners and co-parents but have just never really been close as I think spouses should be. I'm in counseling currently and she is not.
We are both 44 years old.
- She stopped drinking any alcohol about 2 years ago. I still like to drink and go to the big city for night life but we never do this now.
- She has consistently gained weight, but still pretty. I run 5ks and work out three days a week minimum.
- She started working at the church about 2 years ago, see no. 1 above.
- My religious beliefs are not near to the level hers are these days.
- We do not like the same music(her Christian, me Alternative Rock)
- We triangulate thru the kids and that makes everything seem fine on the surface.
- I almost always initiate sex but its still fairly frequent after all these years.
We recently went on a trip together and it was just us. That's when I really saw the deep changes between us and started imagining a future when the kids were grown. Then the grieving started and hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm basically having anticipatory grief surrounding a marriage that is not full filling and all my dreams, hopes, etc for my future life with my wife are being grieved. I CAN NOT hide these symptoms and have told my wife what is happening. She has been more attentive and supportive. We both recognize that she wanted the intimate/close relationship early in the marriage and was hurt by my immaturity and selfishness of not responding in kind. To protect her from this hurt, walls have been built over the years that seem insurmountable. This coupled with poor communication due to opposite personality types and its very predictable how we got here. The grieving process is awful, I cycle through bargaining, despair, etc. Remembering all the good times and I must say the bad time memories are fading. I'm scared I'm headed for indifference(acceptance) as we all know that is the end of the marriage.
Anyone have any advice? The grief symptoms can be debilitating at times. Thank you for your time...Dude
This may sound similar to another thread(s) which is a good thing.(Common Problems)
I have been married for 20 years. I have 3 children, 2 girls (15 and 12), and 1 son(22 my prior marriage)
She is probably the greatest woman I know but we have had serious communication problems over the years and our limited compatibility has moved to very incompatible as you will read below. We are not arguing and have a lot of "projects" going on. We are great business partners and co-parents but have just never really been close as I think spouses should be. I'm in counseling currently and she is not.
We are both 44 years old.
- She stopped drinking any alcohol about 2 years ago. I still like to drink and go to the big city for night life but we never do this now.
- She has consistently gained weight, but still pretty. I run 5ks and work out three days a week minimum.
- She started working at the church about 2 years ago, see no. 1 above.
- My religious beliefs are not near to the level hers are these days.
- We do not like the same music(her Christian, me Alternative Rock)
- We triangulate thru the kids and that makes everything seem fine on the surface.
- I almost always initiate sex but its still fairly frequent after all these years.
We recently went on a trip together and it was just us. That's when I really saw the deep changes between us and started imagining a future when the kids were grown. Then the grieving started and hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm basically having anticipatory grief surrounding a marriage that is not full filling and all my dreams, hopes, etc for my future life with my wife are being grieved. I CAN NOT hide these symptoms and have told my wife what is happening. She has been more attentive and supportive. We both recognize that she wanted the intimate/close relationship early in the marriage and was hurt by my immaturity and selfishness of not responding in kind. To protect her from this hurt, walls have been built over the years that seem insurmountable. This coupled with poor communication due to opposite personality types and its very predictable how we got here. The grieving process is awful, I cycle through bargaining, despair, etc. Remembering all the good times and I must say the bad time memories are fading. I'm scared I'm headed for indifference(acceptance) as we all know that is the end of the marriage.
Anyone have any advice? The grief symptoms can be debilitating at times. Thank you for your time...Dude
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