Forgive me for the long winded post....
My wife (37 yrs old) and I (44 yrs old) have been married 13.5 years and have a 5 year son. Our childless marriage was pleasantly good, aside your normal differences. But after our son was born, these last 5 years have been rocky to say the least.
Last year my wife brought of the discussion of having a second child. Although I was supportive of the idea, I did not want to commit to it because we have some unresolved issues that need to be address before I could be all-in on the idea. The unresolved issues I felt needed to be addressed before I could commit were our marital disconnection and her insensitivities with my family being an integral part in our son's life (basically control issues). Understanding I was not getting any younger, even to the point of not wanting another child, I really didn't want to bring another child into what I felt was a marriage in trouble. Needless to say, that conversation did not go well. She accused me of wanting out of the marriage and wanting to have a child with someone else. (non-sense)
Long story short, after moving into the guest room for 6 weeks and wouldn't speak to me or reconcile our differences, I caught her searching for apartment to rent. When I confronted her about it, we got into a very heated argument and the last thing she said was "I'm done with you!". Of course my ego was not going to allow her to disrespect me in this manner, so I went out on few dates with a co-worker. While being with her help distract me form the problems at home, I realized I didn't see a long term future with her. I stop seeing her and no intimate contact was involved during this period, but unfortunately my wife already found out about her and things turn bad to worst.
My wife took our son to spend the summer at my in-laws (which is normal) and we decided to try to reconcile. The summer alone help tremendously as it allowed us to focus on our marriage without the distraction of parenting. 1 year later, I'm feeling the same behavioral patterns all over again (no affection, very little intimacy, and no husband/wife time). After another heated argument, she took our son to my in-laws for the summer (normal), came home and she moved out.
Although I think this separation is good for us so we could work on the problems plaguing our marriage, but it's been 3 weeks now and my wife seems to be more content being separated and not wanting to work on the road to reconciliation in resolving our problems. We met up for dinner for father's day. Started out well, but ended after I addressed concerns about what I felt was her lack of motivation to work on fixing our marriage. The conversation ended when I press her on her thoughts about divorce. She responded "Divorce is just a piece of paper!" I responded, "If that's how you feel, why not move forward to making it legal?" She didn't have a response and I haven't seen her since. We still talk (once a day), but our conversations are very short and distant.
I feel she is very resentful and hurtful towards me about what she perceives are problems I created. In some part, I do shoulder the blame, but what I have is very little patience in not having a clear direction. I make life/death decision on my job every time I go to work and it comes natural, but for some reason, making a decisive action about my marriage is befuddling. On one hand, when I think about pulling the trigger to get divorce, it brings a sense of resolve, but the pain doesn't go away. On the other hand, my will prevents me from taking that route because I have such an overwhelming hope our marriage can be save.
Before the question is asked, I'm 100% confident she has never cheated. I am 98% confident she is not currently involved with anyone, but her occasional distant behavior and our separation are slowly eroding that trust. We don't have any agreement in place about dating other people. I don't want to date other people as it clouds an already complicated situation and she says she's not interested of dating other people because her primary goal, "concentrate on picking up the pieces of her shatter life". She does get irritated when I bring up the subject, but I think it's because I bring up the subject without getting a resolute answer and I think it's a defensive mechanism that makes her think I'm telling her how to conduct her life. IDK.
I'm at the point of being tired of being in limbo, but at the same time. I want to save my marriage, but if divorce is in my future (although I hate the idea), at least I can move forward. I read the "180-list", but I find myself breaking rule #2 (I call once a day) because I feel the lack of communication will cause more harm than good. After I last meeting, I decided to adhere to rule #9. I can easily comply with rule #5, if I have a clear sense of direction (reconciliation or divorce). I'm getting closes to breaking #10, but I don't think it's necessary just yet. Frankly, I feel this list prepares one for a less painful divorce.
My wife (37 yrs old) and I (44 yrs old) have been married 13.5 years and have a 5 year son. Our childless marriage was pleasantly good, aside your normal differences. But after our son was born, these last 5 years have been rocky to say the least.
Last year my wife brought of the discussion of having a second child. Although I was supportive of the idea, I did not want to commit to it because we have some unresolved issues that need to be address before I could be all-in on the idea. The unresolved issues I felt needed to be addressed before I could commit were our marital disconnection and her insensitivities with my family being an integral part in our son's life (basically control issues). Understanding I was not getting any younger, even to the point of not wanting another child, I really didn't want to bring another child into what I felt was a marriage in trouble. Needless to say, that conversation did not go well. She accused me of wanting out of the marriage and wanting to have a child with someone else. (non-sense)
Long story short, after moving into the guest room for 6 weeks and wouldn't speak to me or reconcile our differences, I caught her searching for apartment to rent. When I confronted her about it, we got into a very heated argument and the last thing she said was "I'm done with you!". Of course my ego was not going to allow her to disrespect me in this manner, so I went out on few dates with a co-worker. While being with her help distract me form the problems at home, I realized I didn't see a long term future with her. I stop seeing her and no intimate contact was involved during this period, but unfortunately my wife already found out about her and things turn bad to worst.
My wife took our son to spend the summer at my in-laws (which is normal) and we decided to try to reconcile. The summer alone help tremendously as it allowed us to focus on our marriage without the distraction of parenting. 1 year later, I'm feeling the same behavioral patterns all over again (no affection, very little intimacy, and no husband/wife time). After another heated argument, she took our son to my in-laws for the summer (normal), came home and she moved out.
Although I think this separation is good for us so we could work on the problems plaguing our marriage, but it's been 3 weeks now and my wife seems to be more content being separated and not wanting to work on the road to reconciliation in resolving our problems. We met up for dinner for father's day. Started out well, but ended after I addressed concerns about what I felt was her lack of motivation to work on fixing our marriage. The conversation ended when I press her on her thoughts about divorce. She responded "Divorce is just a piece of paper!" I responded, "If that's how you feel, why not move forward to making it legal?" She didn't have a response and I haven't seen her since. We still talk (once a day), but our conversations are very short and distant.
I feel she is very resentful and hurtful towards me about what she perceives are problems I created. In some part, I do shoulder the blame, but what I have is very little patience in not having a clear direction. I make life/death decision on my job every time I go to work and it comes natural, but for some reason, making a decisive action about my marriage is befuddling. On one hand, when I think about pulling the trigger to get divorce, it brings a sense of resolve, but the pain doesn't go away. On the other hand, my will prevents me from taking that route because I have such an overwhelming hope our marriage can be save.
Before the question is asked, I'm 100% confident she has never cheated. I am 98% confident she is not currently involved with anyone, but her occasional distant behavior and our separation are slowly eroding that trust. We don't have any agreement in place about dating other people. I don't want to date other people as it clouds an already complicated situation and she says she's not interested of dating other people because her primary goal, "concentrate on picking up the pieces of her shatter life". She does get irritated when I bring up the subject, but I think it's because I bring up the subject without getting a resolute answer and I think it's a defensive mechanism that makes her think I'm telling her how to conduct her life. IDK.
I'm at the point of being tired of being in limbo, but at the same time. I want to save my marriage, but if divorce is in my future (although I hate the idea), at least I can move forward. I read the "180-list", but I find myself breaking rule #2 (I call once a day) because I feel the lack of communication will cause more harm than good. After I last meeting, I decided to adhere to rule #9. I can easily comply with rule #5, if I have a clear sense of direction (reconciliation or divorce). I'm getting closes to breaking #10, but I don't think it's necessary just yet. Frankly, I feel this list prepares one for a less painful divorce.
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