Hello everyone,
I am new here. I was looking for an internet forum where I could talk about my situation, and receive some objective feedback. This is the one place I stumbled on that was really active.
I have been separated for a 5 months. And I really need to "talk" about what has happened because I second-guess myself a lot and am fearful of the future as well.
My husband and I had been married 3 years. We loved each other a lot and the first 6 months of our marriage were "Cloud 9" material. We were so in love, affectionate, caring and joyful. He was absolutely wonderful to me. Our only problem: We lived with his family – his mother, older brother, and sister. In our culture, this is not a strange living arrangement. Many of the elders in our culture actually expect their son's wives to move in with them after marriage, although THANKFULLY this thinking has changed a lot recently.
Living with my husband's family became very toxic to our relationship. To begin with, I had no independence or privacy, especially in the kitchen. His mom watched my every move and commented on EVERY SINGLE THING I did in the kitchen. My stress levels rose to peak levels when I'd be cooking. On top of that, after 6 months, his sister (who was my VERY close friend in university) suddenly stopped speaking with me. Aside from a "hello", she would not look at me or chat with me. I'm the kind of person who needs to talk about things when they aren't going right, and I had a "need" to get along with everyone, so this behavior caused me significant distress. Nobody talked about it, but it was the giant elephant in the room – tension like you wouldn't believe. My family told me to just ignore her, but how can you ignore somebody who lives with you and you see every day??
To make matters worse – his brother got married and his wife came to live with us, too. In our small 4 bedroom house. I had a baby – our baby had congenital heart disease and underwent open heart surgery at 22 days. This was an extremely difficult time for us, because we almost lost her. But God helped us, and now she is a healthy, active 2 year old. She's my joy, and gives me purpose and meaning in life. Anyway – his brother had a baby too, born 3 months after ours. So we became 8 people living in one house.
His sister wouldn't speak to me, but became BEST FRIENDS with her older brother's wife. They went everywhere together, and I was left out. That's when I realized she wouldn't speak to me because she was jealous of my closeness with my husband. My husband was her best friend, and I'd taken that away from her because his attention was mostly focused on me. She didn't have this kind of relationship with her other brother.
To make a long story short – our living situation caused intense stress and people were not getting along with eachother. I asked my husband several times to move out – and he never reacted well to it. We argued a lot. He said he couldn't leave his mother because she'd raised them on her own (their dad had passed away when they were younger). When I suggested his mother come with us, he still said no, because his older brother also wants to live with their mom. So basically, I felt like I had to sacrifice my own happiness/health because the 2 brothers can't live separately without their Mom.
Our living arrangement, our child's illness, and my "demands" (as my husband put it) to live separately in our own home became a huge problem. My husband started to yell at me, and wouldn't keep his voice down, so his family became a part of our fights. It would become a spectacle. I felt humiliated and degraded. Fighting with your husband is bad enough but having him scream at you in front of his family is just horrible. Instead of fighting with 1 person, I felt like I was fighting with his entire family. Each time he did it, he'd say sorry. I threatened to leave a few times, but never actually did.
Until our last fight. He completely exploded over something very small (I had wanted to go to a family get-together with him, but he took his mom and not me, and when I told him that hurt my feelings, he started yelling again). It was actually a two-day fight. The first day, we took it outside because I didn't want his family to know we were arguing again. So he yelled at me on the street. Neighbours a few houses down watched us, but he didn't care. I tried to calm him down, to no effect. I tried walking away – he pulled me back toward him. Said a lot of hurtful things. Told me to "get lost". Basically lost his cool on the street, in front of all the neighbourhood to see. I was sooo shocked because I thought by taking our conversation outside he'd at least be more civilized but he didn't care who was watching or how he acted. Later that night, he said sorry to me, but I was furious. I just told him, "you keep saying sorry but do the same thing again." The next day, we fought again over the same thing, but this time I had had enough. I didn't try to calm him down and I didn't ask him to keep his voice down. He told me to get out of the house, that I wasn't part of his family, that nobody liked me. He told his mom "just tell me once to leave her and I will do it right now!" He called his older brother home from work if you'll believe it…and demanded that they kick me out of the house. Just unbelievable things… I told him I wouldn't leave because this was my home, when we got married it became my house too, but he kept insisting I leave. And screamed for 3 hours. I am so shocked the neighbours didn't call the police because I am sure they could hear it. His brother tried calming us down but I told him, if my husband wants me to go then I'll go.
I stayed 2 more days. In that time, I didn't once see my hubby. Then I emptied our bedroom of my things, packed everything into my car, put my sleeping baby into her car seat and drove to my parents. And I've been living here ever since.
My husband called a week later, asking me to come home. I said no.
His brother and mom came to see me, I refused to see them. They spoke with my parents and my parents told them exactly what I asked them to say: That I would not live another single day with them. If my husband wanted me back, the FIRST step is to get a separate home.
I don't want to be together with a man who ignored my opinion, didn't hear my voice or concerns and "forced" a lifestyle on me that was making me miserable. He has a huge temper and screamed at me in front of people so often. He never hit me but somehow I felt it moving in that direction. I didn't want our daughter growing up seeing her parents fighting all the time. And I can't imagine ever getting along with his family again…they made me miserable…and he made himself a packaged deal with them. I wanted my husband, my daughter and I to be a family but now I realize he already had his "true" family…I was just something disposable. Loved as long as I agreed with how they lived…despised as soon as I asked for my own space.
I've asked him 3 times to move in to an apartment with me and he hasn't done so…keeps saying "OK just as soon as I sell the house" and he hasn't even put his house on the market yet. I feel like they're just taking their sweet time and don't want to lose their together-ness. And I feel like he's chosen his mom/brother over me.
So that's why we are still separated.
And yet – I am filled with such deep sadness. I STILL LOVE HIM. I watch our videos from earlier in our marriage and remember his kindnesses. And I miss him. I feel like I've lost so much. Even though I know I deserve better than to be humiliated and treated like an idiot in front of his family – he's still my husband and we've had good times together. But my brain tells me to let those times go because we are not good for each other.
I'm also afraid of the future. Being lonely. Not having another successful chance at love.
Some days I feel like I'm making a big mistake. 90% of the time he was a good husband…10% of the time he turned in to a monster. Is that enough to give up on our marriage? I'm confused and lost. The part of me that tells me to stand up for myself, struggles with the part of me who says he's an imperfect person and I should give him another chance. But even if we do miraculously decide to live together again, won't we still argue? And maybe he will resent me forever, because I "separated" himself from his family?
Should I still try to fight for my marriage? Or is it better for us to get a divorce? :( How do I move on?
I am new here. I was looking for an internet forum where I could talk about my situation, and receive some objective feedback. This is the one place I stumbled on that was really active.
I have been separated for a 5 months. And I really need to "talk" about what has happened because I second-guess myself a lot and am fearful of the future as well.
My husband and I had been married 3 years. We loved each other a lot and the first 6 months of our marriage were "Cloud 9" material. We were so in love, affectionate, caring and joyful. He was absolutely wonderful to me. Our only problem: We lived with his family – his mother, older brother, and sister. In our culture, this is not a strange living arrangement. Many of the elders in our culture actually expect their son's wives to move in with them after marriage, although THANKFULLY this thinking has changed a lot recently.
Living with my husband's family became very toxic to our relationship. To begin with, I had no independence or privacy, especially in the kitchen. His mom watched my every move and commented on EVERY SINGLE THING I did in the kitchen. My stress levels rose to peak levels when I'd be cooking. On top of that, after 6 months, his sister (who was my VERY close friend in university) suddenly stopped speaking with me. Aside from a "hello", she would not look at me or chat with me. I'm the kind of person who needs to talk about things when they aren't going right, and I had a "need" to get along with everyone, so this behavior caused me significant distress. Nobody talked about it, but it was the giant elephant in the room – tension like you wouldn't believe. My family told me to just ignore her, but how can you ignore somebody who lives with you and you see every day??
To make matters worse – his brother got married and his wife came to live with us, too. In our small 4 bedroom house. I had a baby – our baby had congenital heart disease and underwent open heart surgery at 22 days. This was an extremely difficult time for us, because we almost lost her. But God helped us, and now she is a healthy, active 2 year old. She's my joy, and gives me purpose and meaning in life. Anyway – his brother had a baby too, born 3 months after ours. So we became 8 people living in one house.
His sister wouldn't speak to me, but became BEST FRIENDS with her older brother's wife. They went everywhere together, and I was left out. That's when I realized she wouldn't speak to me because she was jealous of my closeness with my husband. My husband was her best friend, and I'd taken that away from her because his attention was mostly focused on me. She didn't have this kind of relationship with her other brother.
To make a long story short – our living situation caused intense stress and people were not getting along with eachother. I asked my husband several times to move out – and he never reacted well to it. We argued a lot. He said he couldn't leave his mother because she'd raised them on her own (their dad had passed away when they were younger). When I suggested his mother come with us, he still said no, because his older brother also wants to live with their mom. So basically, I felt like I had to sacrifice my own happiness/health because the 2 brothers can't live separately without their Mom.
Our living arrangement, our child's illness, and my "demands" (as my husband put it) to live separately in our own home became a huge problem. My husband started to yell at me, and wouldn't keep his voice down, so his family became a part of our fights. It would become a spectacle. I felt humiliated and degraded. Fighting with your husband is bad enough but having him scream at you in front of his family is just horrible. Instead of fighting with 1 person, I felt like I was fighting with his entire family. Each time he did it, he'd say sorry. I threatened to leave a few times, but never actually did.
Until our last fight. He completely exploded over something very small (I had wanted to go to a family get-together with him, but he took his mom and not me, and when I told him that hurt my feelings, he started yelling again). It was actually a two-day fight. The first day, we took it outside because I didn't want his family to know we were arguing again. So he yelled at me on the street. Neighbours a few houses down watched us, but he didn't care. I tried to calm him down, to no effect. I tried walking away – he pulled me back toward him. Said a lot of hurtful things. Told me to "get lost". Basically lost his cool on the street, in front of all the neighbourhood to see. I was sooo shocked because I thought by taking our conversation outside he'd at least be more civilized but he didn't care who was watching or how he acted. Later that night, he said sorry to me, but I was furious. I just told him, "you keep saying sorry but do the same thing again." The next day, we fought again over the same thing, but this time I had had enough. I didn't try to calm him down and I didn't ask him to keep his voice down. He told me to get out of the house, that I wasn't part of his family, that nobody liked me. He told his mom "just tell me once to leave her and I will do it right now!" He called his older brother home from work if you'll believe it…and demanded that they kick me out of the house. Just unbelievable things… I told him I wouldn't leave because this was my home, when we got married it became my house too, but he kept insisting I leave. And screamed for 3 hours. I am so shocked the neighbours didn't call the police because I am sure they could hear it. His brother tried calming us down but I told him, if my husband wants me to go then I'll go.
I stayed 2 more days. In that time, I didn't once see my hubby. Then I emptied our bedroom of my things, packed everything into my car, put my sleeping baby into her car seat and drove to my parents. And I've been living here ever since.
My husband called a week later, asking me to come home. I said no.
His brother and mom came to see me, I refused to see them. They spoke with my parents and my parents told them exactly what I asked them to say: That I would not live another single day with them. If my husband wanted me back, the FIRST step is to get a separate home.
I don't want to be together with a man who ignored my opinion, didn't hear my voice or concerns and "forced" a lifestyle on me that was making me miserable. He has a huge temper and screamed at me in front of people so often. He never hit me but somehow I felt it moving in that direction. I didn't want our daughter growing up seeing her parents fighting all the time. And I can't imagine ever getting along with his family again…they made me miserable…and he made himself a packaged deal with them. I wanted my husband, my daughter and I to be a family but now I realize he already had his "true" family…I was just something disposable. Loved as long as I agreed with how they lived…despised as soon as I asked for my own space.
I've asked him 3 times to move in to an apartment with me and he hasn't done so…keeps saying "OK just as soon as I sell the house" and he hasn't even put his house on the market yet. I feel like they're just taking their sweet time and don't want to lose their together-ness. And I feel like he's chosen his mom/brother over me.
So that's why we are still separated.
And yet – I am filled with such deep sadness. I STILL LOVE HIM. I watch our videos from earlier in our marriage and remember his kindnesses. And I miss him. I feel like I've lost so much. Even though I know I deserve better than to be humiliated and treated like an idiot in front of his family – he's still my husband and we've had good times together. But my brain tells me to let those times go because we are not good for each other.
I'm also afraid of the future. Being lonely. Not having another successful chance at love.
Some days I feel like I'm making a big mistake. 90% of the time he was a good husband…10% of the time he turned in to a monster. Is that enough to give up on our marriage? I'm confused and lost. The part of me that tells me to stand up for myself, struggles with the part of me who says he's an imperfect person and I should give him another chance. But even if we do miraculously decide to live together again, won't we still argue? And maybe he will resent me forever, because I "separated" himself from his family?
Should I still try to fight for my marriage? Or is it better for us to get a divorce? :( How do I move on?
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