I didn't really know where to post this as this is my first post. I'm not considering divorce but have some serious issues that I would like to see if anyone else has experienced the same or similar. I have been married for 8 years now. My second marriage. We have kids together and what we have together is all we have. I am having some problems and I don't know if they are just me or if there is some underlying issues.
My wife and I clicked REALLY strong when we got together and were for many years. Then I royally messed up and got involved with someone else. She decided to stay and she did some things behind my back with others that were just to spite me or "get even." I fought like hell to keep the pieces together and managed to do so fairly well. That's been a little over 6 years now.
Some of the issue is that she still holds what I did over my head from time to time but gets outraged when I even mention that "we both messed up." I honestly do not talk specifics. I know we will never get any where if we keep bringing them up. But I also know we will never truly "forget."
Another is that I have a drive for improvement of myself and our family and lifestyle. I have ambition for our lives and the lives of our children. She seems to want to sit here where we are and not move forward. I'm in school and working both full time and every time I start talking about wanting to move a few years after I graduate she wants out of the conversation and does what ever she can to change it. I also do not get anywhere near the support she got from me when she was in school. I'm not saying she does not support me at all but I went way over and beyond for her.
I also do not FEEL as though she loves me. I know she does she chose to stay with me and fix things after all. I am a hopeless romantic...completely hopeless. I also know that skin on skin physical contact is what really drives me. It doesn't have to be sex, not that I don't want it, on the contrary I am very much a sexual person. She was for a good while in our relationship then it fell off. Which I know now is normal, I didn't before hence my affair. After we got things back together, she had a good drive to accommodate my need for physical intimacy, not just the sexual part but the simple physical parts as well. I know she likes me to do things for her that's how she knows I love her and I do hand and foot. Here lately it seems like she don't care. She knows what makes me feel loved but she just don't care about doing the things.
Finally I am terrified to talk to her. She is a ball of fire and very, very headstrong and stubborn. She also is one to intentionally hurt your feelings just so the conversation ends. And these qualities are not just at me, that's how she is to everyone. Anytime I want to talk she just gets angry and makes me feel like I shouldn't feel the things I do, I should just be glad we are together. I can't see a good way here to get resolution. I am a very passive person, I DON'T LET PEOPLE RUN OVER ME, but it takes me a while to get riled up. I can't keep this up my thoughts right this moment are "Why did I fight so hard? For this? It doesn't seem worth it anymore." I hate those thoughts. I love my wife very deeply.
Any advice or thoughts anyone?
My wife and I clicked REALLY strong when we got together and were for many years. Then I royally messed up and got involved with someone else. She decided to stay and she did some things behind my back with others that were just to spite me or "get even." I fought like hell to keep the pieces together and managed to do so fairly well. That's been a little over 6 years now.
Some of the issue is that she still holds what I did over my head from time to time but gets outraged when I even mention that "we both messed up." I honestly do not talk specifics. I know we will never get any where if we keep bringing them up. But I also know we will never truly "forget."
Another is that I have a drive for improvement of myself and our family and lifestyle. I have ambition for our lives and the lives of our children. She seems to want to sit here where we are and not move forward. I'm in school and working both full time and every time I start talking about wanting to move a few years after I graduate she wants out of the conversation and does what ever she can to change it. I also do not get anywhere near the support she got from me when she was in school. I'm not saying she does not support me at all but I went way over and beyond for her.
I also do not FEEL as though she loves me. I know she does she chose to stay with me and fix things after all. I am a hopeless romantic...completely hopeless. I also know that skin on skin physical contact is what really drives me. It doesn't have to be sex, not that I don't want it, on the contrary I am very much a sexual person. She was for a good while in our relationship then it fell off. Which I know now is normal, I didn't before hence my affair. After we got things back together, she had a good drive to accommodate my need for physical intimacy, not just the sexual part but the simple physical parts as well. I know she likes me to do things for her that's how she knows I love her and I do hand and foot. Here lately it seems like she don't care. She knows what makes me feel loved but she just don't care about doing the things.
Finally I am terrified to talk to her. She is a ball of fire and very, very headstrong and stubborn. She also is one to intentionally hurt your feelings just so the conversation ends. And these qualities are not just at me, that's how she is to everyone. Anytime I want to talk she just gets angry and makes me feel like I shouldn't feel the things I do, I should just be glad we are together. I can't see a good way here to get resolution. I am a very passive person, I DON'T LET PEOPLE RUN OVER ME, but it takes me a while to get riled up. I can't keep this up my thoughts right this moment are "Why did I fight so hard? For this? It doesn't seem worth it anymore." I hate those thoughts. I love my wife very deeply.
Any advice or thoughts anyone?
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