Hi everyone – New to the forum here and am feeling somewhat lost and confused, amongst other feelings. I have been with my live in boyfriend for 7 years now. I am at the point where I want to be married or at the least engaged. When we started dating he was recently divorced. He did date a few girls prior to me. I have one older daughter and he has two younger daughters. Things with us happened very quickly. The love was very intense and very fast. I fell in love with him and his daughters. He moved in and we've been a blended family for years. I am very close with his sisters/family and his children. He's known that being married to me is very important. I've told him that from day one. Well, in December I told him that it was about time. I am ready for an engagement ring and that's all I want for Christmas. He then asked "what kind of ring would you like?". Guess what? December came and I got nothing. Then in December he said that he needed until March because he was getting a big bonus check from work and could afford it then. I believed him. Then in May when our lease was up, I told him that we had to be out by June/July and I didn't feel comfortable taking the next step into a big home without a formal commitment. He told me to not worry, that it'll happen by then. I believed him. A month ago I told him that I was sad that I'm nowhere that I thought I'd be in my life by the age of 41 and he said not to worry, that I'll be engaged by 41 and married by 42. I believed him. Then we moved into this home and I told him that I was really excited about taking this step but that I was concerned and having a bit of anxiety because I was moving in without the commitment that he promised me. He said don't worry, I'm going to stick to my word. I believed him. Well guess what? It was my birthday this past weekend and I turned 41 and nothing. When I brought it up he now says that it's his timing and to let him do it the right way. That there has to be family/friends present so now he's added that. He said that he's had a ring for months. Just waiting on the right time.
I have brought up the topic of marriage a few times. At first he has been somewhat understanding but now it's gotten to the point that he's mean when I bring it up. I told him the other day that I'm tired of living my life like this and that I feel like he's giving me false promises. To please not waste my life anymore if he is not going to do it. I told him that I don't want to be a pretend wife and roommate with benefits. That I've done everything that I should do and more with loving him and his daughters and mine and being a good provider, team player and care taker. I cook, I clean and I take care and love his daughters like my own. I told him that his ex wife is settled down and re-married and I feel that our daughters should see us doing the right thing. He got upset so I got upset back and said that I'm truly sick of it and I'm not happy that I've bended the rules and have decided to move in with him thinking that he was going to stick to his word. He told me if I was not happy doing all that I do anymore that I could go. That was his response vs. saying I promise it'll be worth it or please be patient with me as I don't have the money right now. He goes straight on the defense and gets very angry. He says that it's his life. Well, it's MY life as well and I'm truly tired of waiting.
I don't know if he's just afraid of being hurt because his ex wife cheated on him and left him for someone else or because he just isn't ready or because he can't afford it. I really don't understand it. I keep thinking if he really loved me he would not string me along.
I am the one with the good credit in this relationship. He has filed bankruptcy and has credit issues because of past marriage. He has a good paying job but is sometimes strapped because of child support. He does help provide though. I am the one that provided all of the furniture, drives a new car and have tried to help him get re-established in life. I have supported him through all of his ups and downs.
I am not trusting him anymore and I'm honestly starting to resent him. He gets his daughters every other weekend and I don't even want them around anymore because I'm tired of not having my needs met and playing pretend wife/step mom. He gets mad that I am not "happy and positive" and how can I be? I'm starting to feel insecure. I do everything to make him happy. I have done more than his ex wife ever did. Even his family tells me that. I'm a good woman. I am attractive, have a good job and am financially stable. I just don't understand what the problem is. I feel used and taken for granted. Like what I need to make me happy is not important to me.
When we argue about this he threatens me and says "why would I want to marry that?" when don't I have a right to voice my feelings that I'm upset that he hasn't kept his word and I'm feeling insecure? He tells me that when I bring it up and argue with him that I'm taking him back to square one. So unless I'm perfect and keep my mouth shut I won't get a proposal? It's a tactic to keep me quiet. It's not working though as I will not stay quiet.
As you can see I'm really upset. I'm so torn. We signed this lease together and I sort of felt it was a mistake. Where we have lived before the lease was always in my name. Now it's in both of ours. I'm feeling stubborn in that IF I decide to leave him, I'm not going to move. I want for him to move as I'm not going to have "set him up" so he could have a nice home for him and his daughters while I go and move and grieve and he's doing whatever he wants. I just can't do that. I found this home and I have everything there and all of the utilities are in my name. I know I'm jumping the gun here with that but I'm feeling strongly should I have to leave this is how it should go down.
So I just don't know what to do. I don't know if he's defensive because I don't trust that he'll do it or if I just need to move on. I'm really sad if I have to move as I have invested 7 years of my life and I love his daughters like my own as well as my daughter loves them. We're a family in a sense and it would hurt to see the kids hurt. It's like getting divorced without ever being married.
I know what I want in life. I know that I want him as my husband but my dignity, self respect and esteem are starting to fade and I'm starting to feel depressed. Has anyone here face a situation like mine and come out with a positive outcome after waiting for so long? I just don't have it in me anymore to be patient and wait and it breaks my heart to know that we may have to break up. I cried the entire way to work today. Just feeling torn and heartbroken. Is there any hope?
Thank you all for your support and advice!
I have brought up the topic of marriage a few times. At first he has been somewhat understanding but now it's gotten to the point that he's mean when I bring it up. I told him the other day that I'm tired of living my life like this and that I feel like he's giving me false promises. To please not waste my life anymore if he is not going to do it. I told him that I don't want to be a pretend wife and roommate with benefits. That I've done everything that I should do and more with loving him and his daughters and mine and being a good provider, team player and care taker. I cook, I clean and I take care and love his daughters like my own. I told him that his ex wife is settled down and re-married and I feel that our daughters should see us doing the right thing. He got upset so I got upset back and said that I'm truly sick of it and I'm not happy that I've bended the rules and have decided to move in with him thinking that he was going to stick to his word. He told me if I was not happy doing all that I do anymore that I could go. That was his response vs. saying I promise it'll be worth it or please be patient with me as I don't have the money right now. He goes straight on the defense and gets very angry. He says that it's his life. Well, it's MY life as well and I'm truly tired of waiting.
I don't know if he's just afraid of being hurt because his ex wife cheated on him and left him for someone else or because he just isn't ready or because he can't afford it. I really don't understand it. I keep thinking if he really loved me he would not string me along.
I am the one with the good credit in this relationship. He has filed bankruptcy and has credit issues because of past marriage. He has a good paying job but is sometimes strapped because of child support. He does help provide though. I am the one that provided all of the furniture, drives a new car and have tried to help him get re-established in life. I have supported him through all of his ups and downs.
I am not trusting him anymore and I'm honestly starting to resent him. He gets his daughters every other weekend and I don't even want them around anymore because I'm tired of not having my needs met and playing pretend wife/step mom. He gets mad that I am not "happy and positive" and how can I be? I'm starting to feel insecure. I do everything to make him happy. I have done more than his ex wife ever did. Even his family tells me that. I'm a good woman. I am attractive, have a good job and am financially stable. I just don't understand what the problem is. I feel used and taken for granted. Like what I need to make me happy is not important to me.
When we argue about this he threatens me and says "why would I want to marry that?" when don't I have a right to voice my feelings that I'm upset that he hasn't kept his word and I'm feeling insecure? He tells me that when I bring it up and argue with him that I'm taking him back to square one. So unless I'm perfect and keep my mouth shut I won't get a proposal? It's a tactic to keep me quiet. It's not working though as I will not stay quiet.
As you can see I'm really upset. I'm so torn. We signed this lease together and I sort of felt it was a mistake. Where we have lived before the lease was always in my name. Now it's in both of ours. I'm feeling stubborn in that IF I decide to leave him, I'm not going to move. I want for him to move as I'm not going to have "set him up" so he could have a nice home for him and his daughters while I go and move and grieve and he's doing whatever he wants. I just can't do that. I found this home and I have everything there and all of the utilities are in my name. I know I'm jumping the gun here with that but I'm feeling strongly should I have to leave this is how it should go down.
So I just don't know what to do. I don't know if he's defensive because I don't trust that he'll do it or if I just need to move on. I'm really sad if I have to move as I have invested 7 years of my life and I love his daughters like my own as well as my daughter loves them. We're a family in a sense and it would hurt to see the kids hurt. It's like getting divorced without ever being married.
I know what I want in life. I know that I want him as my husband but my dignity, self respect and esteem are starting to fade and I'm starting to feel depressed. Has anyone here face a situation like mine and come out with a positive outcome after waiting for so long? I just don't have it in me anymore to be patient and wait and it breaks my heart to know that we may have to break up. I cried the entire way to work today. Just feeling torn and heartbroken. Is there any hope?
Thank you all for your support and advice!
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