Greeting All,
I have been thinking a lot about my family situation and I'd like your opinions/experiences.
I'm a 30 y/o man and work a full time job. Due to my elderly mom's extensive list of health problems, I am also her caregiver. To name a few, she is a diabetic, has cataracts, had a heart attack, and is recovering from cancer treatment. She literally takes around 20 pills daily. As such, she relies on me due to her health. I have 2 older siblings (1 brother and 1 sister) but they live in different states and no extended family. I have no relationship with my dad since he never did anything for me and my family.
During my mom's cancer treatment, I had to do everything from shuttling her back and forth to the hospital, cook, clean, and work to support myself. Took non-paid time off here and there. Nights weren't easy as my mom needs to go to the bathroom a couple time due to her diabetes. So a good night's sleep was difficult. I took short rests and naps when time permitted. During this time, my sister was going through a divorce. Yet, she came for 1 month help. My brother on the other hand, didn't help when requested. He actually took a 1-month vacation during my mom's cancer treatment. Since he didn't have accrued vacation time, he requested time off with his employer under the Family Medical Leave Act saying he would care for her. He faxed her doctor the forms which were signed. So why does this bother me? Well, when I talked to him about this he says I'm irrational. As an adult, he takes vacations and buys other people lavish gifts (i.e. ipads, iphones, etc). Yet, my mom never get s ANY gifts. He can do what he wants with his money, but the problem I have is when he turns around and asks my mom for money . I gave him money when he moved. He even talks about my mom behind her back to his in-laws. A case of biting the hand that feeds? Do you think he's toxic? Narcissistic?
Now that my mom has improved (thankfully), I have began dating a girl that she doesn't approve of. My mom thinks she's "used." I should mention my mom is a very traditional Asian woman. Sure the GF and I have our share of arguments, but who doesn't. Now she and my brother gossip while I'm at work. My brother refuses to call when I am home. How do I know they're gossiping? Well, I don't tell my mom where I'm going besides saying "I'll be out for tonight." I went to a wedding and the GF posted pictures on Facebook. My mom asked me how the wedding was a couple days later. My brother admitted previously to having a FB profile to "check out other people."
This gossip has a lot of stress on me as they don't support me in my relationship. My family (immediate and extended) thinks I'm antisocial which they theorize is why I don't want to dump such a "bad" GF. Even though my mom and dad don't talk, they agree that my GF is a such an evil person and are trying to coerce me into dumping her. Under my circumstances, I've worked a meager job to pay my own way through college and now have myself a great career. At the same time, I provided help for my mom without any assistance. Despite doing my best to manage all that, I'm now being criticized?! Is my family toxic or is it me?
Yes, my dad always tries to weasel his way into my life. Though I don't want a relationship with my dad, I keep him at a distance and only limit communication to the telephone. When I do pick up his phone calls, he'll always tell me to dump my GF and how my family doesn't approve.
All I want is to be happy and live everyday as if it were my last. I don't want to deal with negativity. Moving out is not an option since my mom is dependent on me. A senior home is not an option as I have seen the quality of life there. I've passed up so many opportunities (travel, social life) to help my mom through many hospitalizations but don't feel appreciated. I want to live life but feel a sense of obligation so I want to find a balance.
All advice/opinions/encouragement appreciated. Thanks.
I have been thinking a lot about my family situation and I'd like your opinions/experiences.
I'm a 30 y/o man and work a full time job. Due to my elderly mom's extensive list of health problems, I am also her caregiver. To name a few, she is a diabetic, has cataracts, had a heart attack, and is recovering from cancer treatment. She literally takes around 20 pills daily. As such, she relies on me due to her health. I have 2 older siblings (1 brother and 1 sister) but they live in different states and no extended family. I have no relationship with my dad since he never did anything for me and my family.
During my mom's cancer treatment, I had to do everything from shuttling her back and forth to the hospital, cook, clean, and work to support myself. Took non-paid time off here and there. Nights weren't easy as my mom needs to go to the bathroom a couple time due to her diabetes. So a good night's sleep was difficult. I took short rests and naps when time permitted. During this time, my sister was going through a divorce. Yet, she came for 1 month help. My brother on the other hand, didn't help when requested. He actually took a 1-month vacation during my mom's cancer treatment. Since he didn't have accrued vacation time, he requested time off with his employer under the Family Medical Leave Act saying he would care for her. He faxed her doctor the forms which were signed. So why does this bother me? Well, when I talked to him about this he says I'm irrational. As an adult, he takes vacations and buys other people lavish gifts (i.e. ipads, iphones, etc). Yet, my mom never get s ANY gifts. He can do what he wants with his money, but the problem I have is when he turns around and asks my mom for money . I gave him money when he moved. He even talks about my mom behind her back to his in-laws. A case of biting the hand that feeds? Do you think he's toxic? Narcissistic?
Now that my mom has improved (thankfully), I have began dating a girl that she doesn't approve of. My mom thinks she's "used." I should mention my mom is a very traditional Asian woman. Sure the GF and I have our share of arguments, but who doesn't. Now she and my brother gossip while I'm at work. My brother refuses to call when I am home. How do I know they're gossiping? Well, I don't tell my mom where I'm going besides saying "I'll be out for tonight." I went to a wedding and the GF posted pictures on Facebook. My mom asked me how the wedding was a couple days later. My brother admitted previously to having a FB profile to "check out other people."
This gossip has a lot of stress on me as they don't support me in my relationship. My family (immediate and extended) thinks I'm antisocial which they theorize is why I don't want to dump such a "bad" GF. Even though my mom and dad don't talk, they agree that my GF is a such an evil person and are trying to coerce me into dumping her. Under my circumstances, I've worked a meager job to pay my own way through college and now have myself a great career. At the same time, I provided help for my mom without any assistance. Despite doing my best to manage all that, I'm now being criticized?! Is my family toxic or is it me?
Yes, my dad always tries to weasel his way into my life. Though I don't want a relationship with my dad, I keep him at a distance and only limit communication to the telephone. When I do pick up his phone calls, he'll always tell me to dump my GF and how my family doesn't approve.
All I want is to be happy and live everyday as if it were my last. I don't want to deal with negativity. Moving out is not an option since my mom is dependent on me. A senior home is not an option as I have seen the quality of life there. I've passed up so many opportunities (travel, social life) to help my mom through many hospitalizations but don't feel appreciated. I want to live life but feel a sense of obligation so I want to find a balance.
All advice/opinions/encouragement appreciated. Thanks.
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