So I'm having trouble setting boundaries with my wife and her drinking.
She drinks about once a week but when she hits 2 glasses of wine she becomes very physically aggressive (examples below).
When at home I usually try to grab her wrists so she can't hit me but she bruises soo easily that it looks like I was trying to break her arms. When out I just walk away and she follows me screaming, pushing, etc.
I want her to feel the repercussions of her bad choices so she can stop this. It's like she does anything she feels like and I pay for it.
I'm looking for a way to fix my marriage but I hate these situations so much that separation and divorce are all on the table.
The first time she did this I told her that the next time would be the end of our marriage and she profusely agreed. She's done it 6 times since. She never came close to showing this side of her in our 15 months of dating prior marriage.
Examples:
The first time we went through this was about 3 months into our marriage. She physically attacked me, smashed the tv and anything else she could get a hold of. The place was trashed the next morning. I didn't know how to defend myself and was in shock. She managed to scratch me all over my body with deep grooves I was bleeding everywhere and still have the marks. The next morning as she was treating my wounds she sounded surprised she could have done this and promised profusely that it would never happen again.
I think what set her off was that I was used to going to bed way later than her, I have cats she's never had pets, I'm not as clean as she is etc.
Another time we went on a cruise to mexico we got off the boat and took a tour of the beach at a hotel. I went snorkeling and she stayed on the beach sunning. When I met up with her I saw she had a couple of drinks already.
I asked her how many and tried to look at the bill - she called the waiter and told him that her husband was cheap and that I thought everything was too expensive. The waiter left and I asked if she gave him a proper tip - she's a horrible tipper and I think these guys are hard workers so I like to tip them well. She called him over again and made it seem that I didn't want to tip the guy - It was super embarrassing for me and the waiter.
That night at dinner I was holding a table for us and I told her to her face but apparently she did not hear me and I saw her go to another table to eat. I thought she was just being childish because of the incident at the hotel. It turns out she didn't hear me and found me eating by myself, she threw a drink of water in my face and tore my shirt off as we were walking to the room. Once we got into the room she attacked me and was yelling so loud that security came. She made me put on a shirt so that they would not see the scratches and blood on my body.
Another time we went out to eat and dance she had wine at the restaurant and then more at the bar. Everything was good until I told her no more drinking she agreed and then 3 min later I see her with another one. I confronted her and she started grimacing like the hulk and stared grabbing at my neck and yelling into my ear. I was just trying to figure out how to get out of there without a show - The bouncers ended up kicking us out. All the way to the car it was her yelling at me and pushing me. Really, the embarrassment hurts more than her attacks.
The last time was yesterday. We went out to eat. She had 2 glasses of wine. When we left there is a night club on the other side of the parking lot she wanted to look into. I told her no as last time we got kicked out of the bar and I didn't want to go through anything like that again (I would have agreed if she was sober.)
She went in by herself while I waited in the car. Two minutes later she comes out and wants to go for a a walk which I love to do.
But I could tell by her posture and mannerisms that this was going to end in some type of public embarrassment for me so I said no get in the car and when we get home you can go out all you want.
She yelled at me, slammed the car door, and took off walking. This is about 3 miles from home. I drove home.
She gets home 2 hours later and I told her if she gets physicall I'm going to call the police. She ends up calling them instead!
The cops clearly saw she was intoxicated and mentioned that I should have a talk with her tomorrow about her problem. I told them this wasn't the first time it happened and we've had talks in the past. Cops said I can't reason with her in this state and they strongly suggest I leave for the night. So I end up having to sleep in a hotel for the night. I didn't tell them that my name is the only one on the lease and that she has an apartment about 2 miles away (still too much of a nice guy).
Right now this last event has given her all the power in the relationship.
Background:
She is muscular, toned, and athletic. She does cardio and lifts daily. ie she's a lot to handle when she goes off like that.
I don't drink, we have no kids, 1.5 years married, I'm 41 she's 51.
She works 2 jobs now which seems to be stressing her out, but she doesn't have to. I can easily support her which I have in the past when she's been out of work. I pay for all the bills. She pays for her car, gas, roth ira, and all of her makeup and creams.
On a side-note writing this is very therapeutic. Thanks for reading.
I'm going to reread No More Mister Nice Guy while I wait for feed back.
=====================
Diclaimer: it's not all bad.
This has happened 6 times in 1.5years.
She wakes up every morning to cook my lunch and make me a vegetable smoothie.
She cleans like a beast.
She compliments me regularly: you're smart, I'm proud of you, etc.
Sex is great and she regularly initiates and accepts my initiations.
And I know I have soo many things to work on and I do set her off and I accept that. It's just the physical part that kills me.
She drinks about once a week but when she hits 2 glasses of wine she becomes very physically aggressive (examples below).
When at home I usually try to grab her wrists so she can't hit me but she bruises soo easily that it looks like I was trying to break her arms. When out I just walk away and she follows me screaming, pushing, etc.
I want her to feel the repercussions of her bad choices so she can stop this. It's like she does anything she feels like and I pay for it.
I'm looking for a way to fix my marriage but I hate these situations so much that separation and divorce are all on the table.
The first time she did this I told her that the next time would be the end of our marriage and she profusely agreed. She's done it 6 times since. She never came close to showing this side of her in our 15 months of dating prior marriage.
Examples:
The first time we went through this was about 3 months into our marriage. She physically attacked me, smashed the tv and anything else she could get a hold of. The place was trashed the next morning. I didn't know how to defend myself and was in shock. She managed to scratch me all over my body with deep grooves I was bleeding everywhere and still have the marks. The next morning as she was treating my wounds she sounded surprised she could have done this and promised profusely that it would never happen again.
I think what set her off was that I was used to going to bed way later than her, I have cats she's never had pets, I'm not as clean as she is etc.
Another time we went on a cruise to mexico we got off the boat and took a tour of the beach at a hotel. I went snorkeling and she stayed on the beach sunning. When I met up with her I saw she had a couple of drinks already.
I asked her how many and tried to look at the bill - she called the waiter and told him that her husband was cheap and that I thought everything was too expensive. The waiter left and I asked if she gave him a proper tip - she's a horrible tipper and I think these guys are hard workers so I like to tip them well. She called him over again and made it seem that I didn't want to tip the guy - It was super embarrassing for me and the waiter.
That night at dinner I was holding a table for us and I told her to her face but apparently she did not hear me and I saw her go to another table to eat. I thought she was just being childish because of the incident at the hotel. It turns out she didn't hear me and found me eating by myself, she threw a drink of water in my face and tore my shirt off as we were walking to the room. Once we got into the room she attacked me and was yelling so loud that security came. She made me put on a shirt so that they would not see the scratches and blood on my body.
Another time we went out to eat and dance she had wine at the restaurant and then more at the bar. Everything was good until I told her no more drinking she agreed and then 3 min later I see her with another one. I confronted her and she started grimacing like the hulk and stared grabbing at my neck and yelling into my ear. I was just trying to figure out how to get out of there without a show - The bouncers ended up kicking us out. All the way to the car it was her yelling at me and pushing me. Really, the embarrassment hurts more than her attacks.
The last time was yesterday. We went out to eat. She had 2 glasses of wine. When we left there is a night club on the other side of the parking lot she wanted to look into. I told her no as last time we got kicked out of the bar and I didn't want to go through anything like that again (I would have agreed if she was sober.)
She went in by herself while I waited in the car. Two minutes later she comes out and wants to go for a a walk which I love to do.
But I could tell by her posture and mannerisms that this was going to end in some type of public embarrassment for me so I said no get in the car and when we get home you can go out all you want.
She yelled at me, slammed the car door, and took off walking. This is about 3 miles from home. I drove home.
She gets home 2 hours later and I told her if she gets physicall I'm going to call the police. She ends up calling them instead!
The cops clearly saw she was intoxicated and mentioned that I should have a talk with her tomorrow about her problem. I told them this wasn't the first time it happened and we've had talks in the past. Cops said I can't reason with her in this state and they strongly suggest I leave for the night. So I end up having to sleep in a hotel for the night. I didn't tell them that my name is the only one on the lease and that she has an apartment about 2 miles away (still too much of a nice guy).
Right now this last event has given her all the power in the relationship.
Background:
She is muscular, toned, and athletic. She does cardio and lifts daily. ie she's a lot to handle when she goes off like that.
I don't drink, we have no kids, 1.5 years married, I'm 41 she's 51.
She works 2 jobs now which seems to be stressing her out, but she doesn't have to. I can easily support her which I have in the past when she's been out of work. I pay for all the bills. She pays for her car, gas, roth ira, and all of her makeup and creams.
On a side-note writing this is very therapeutic. Thanks for reading.
I'm going to reread No More Mister Nice Guy while I wait for feed back.
=====================
Diclaimer: it's not all bad.
This has happened 6 times in 1.5years.
She wakes up every morning to cook my lunch and make me a vegetable smoothie.
She cleans like a beast.
She compliments me regularly: you're smart, I'm proud of you, etc.
Sex is great and she regularly initiates and accepts my initiations.
And I know I have soo many things to work on and I do set her off and I accept that. It's just the physical part that kills me.
Put the internet to work for you.
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