I am not sure if I am the only person feeling this way, but here it goes. I have been with my wife for 7 years and have a 4yo daughter. The only bright light in my depressing existence.
I try to be the ideal husband and would consider myself to do more then my fair share. I cook, do more then half of the cleaning, more often the entire house myself. I am constantly picking up and cleaning behind my wife and daughter. I work long hours and try do everything to make the home and our life picture perfect.
My wife it seems enjoys this life with me, says she loves me and generally is not mean or hostile, as long as I don't rock the boat. I am not happy, I haven't been for some time. I have continually teetered on leaving or not being around anymore. The only thing that keeps me living and staying is my daughter.
As for my wife, she barely shows me affection, the only affection from her is at best our routine kisses everyday, maybe snuggling a bit in bed, holding hands. We say the "I love you" but it's all very routine. Any type of sexual contact is 99% of the time initiated by me, she can seem to perpetually go forever without intimacy.
I always remember occasions, and always wow her on birthdays and Christmases. Knowing exactly what she wants. Yet almost every reciprocal celebration on my life I feel like she barely thinks about what I would like or outright says she doesn't know. she doesn't seem bothered to talk to me during the day, yet has no problem being on social media to everyone else. She will pretty much ignore my calls, or blow me off.
Yes I have tried to discuss with her but... She is a psychology major and each and every time I feel like I am wrong with any and all my concerns. I always compromise (give in) since she wears me down and reasons everything in her favor. A few months ago we had a blow out, i was pretty adamant about not caving in to her "subtle manipulation" to her point of view and we had a big blow out.
I did snap and as I was going to walk away I tossed a glass I had in my hand across the yard (didn't think it would break but it did) well she snapped, slapped me in the face and took a swing, I was stunned. Had not much to say except I couldn't believe it... She wouldn't leave me alone and followed me in the house where I did scream at her that I couldn't believe she hit me, after some more yelling she did it again.
I come from an abusive parental situation so have zero tolerance for this and got in my car and left. While I was gone the ultimate games started, she phoned my familly, got my SIL over here and played the victim, my brothers blamed me, saying its fine for a woman to hit her husband. My mother just keeps telling me how great my wife is.
Don't get me wrong I am no saint, my behavior over the years has been erratic. I feel so alone and unwanted I visit porn sites and self pleasure for my only regular sexual gratification. I have been on dating sites, Craigslist, whatever comes up for sexual fantasy hook ups. (Usually looking up far more interesting locales them where I live...like Vegas lol) and fantasizing and hoping that someone, anyone finds me attractive. I have probably been exposed in the ****** ******* hack (although fake email account) never the less all things that I have rationalized and justified as a way to satisfy the missing pieces in my life. I guess I am consisted someone that "no shows" since I will take the chatting to the point of meeting and then I can't/won't. I am sure anyone that actually looks for meetings thinks I am scum
I have dark thoughts, that I am the problem, the world is better off without me, my familly would be better off, maybe my wife would find someone to make her happy.... I have come very close to ending it all and only been pulled back by the thoughts of my daughter.
I have phoned crisis lines, read books, seem a councillor. Apparently my behavior is typical (which helps me feel normal) the porn, looking for emotional affairs, thoughts of ending ones life.
I don't know why I wrote this. Especially here. I don't know, I have written so many things to myself (at the direction of shrinks) I guess I am wondering if anyone else is in the same situation, going through the same? Do you stay? How do you cope? Any insights?
I try to be the ideal husband and would consider myself to do more then my fair share. I cook, do more then half of the cleaning, more often the entire house myself. I am constantly picking up and cleaning behind my wife and daughter. I work long hours and try do everything to make the home and our life picture perfect.
My wife it seems enjoys this life with me, says she loves me and generally is not mean or hostile, as long as I don't rock the boat. I am not happy, I haven't been for some time. I have continually teetered on leaving or not being around anymore. The only thing that keeps me living and staying is my daughter.
As for my wife, she barely shows me affection, the only affection from her is at best our routine kisses everyday, maybe snuggling a bit in bed, holding hands. We say the "I love you" but it's all very routine. Any type of sexual contact is 99% of the time initiated by me, she can seem to perpetually go forever without intimacy.
I always remember occasions, and always wow her on birthdays and Christmases. Knowing exactly what she wants. Yet almost every reciprocal celebration on my life I feel like she barely thinks about what I would like or outright says she doesn't know. she doesn't seem bothered to talk to me during the day, yet has no problem being on social media to everyone else. She will pretty much ignore my calls, or blow me off.
Yes I have tried to discuss with her but... She is a psychology major and each and every time I feel like I am wrong with any and all my concerns. I always compromise (give in) since she wears me down and reasons everything in her favor. A few months ago we had a blow out, i was pretty adamant about not caving in to her "subtle manipulation" to her point of view and we had a big blow out.
I did snap and as I was going to walk away I tossed a glass I had in my hand across the yard (didn't think it would break but it did) well she snapped, slapped me in the face and took a swing, I was stunned. Had not much to say except I couldn't believe it... She wouldn't leave me alone and followed me in the house where I did scream at her that I couldn't believe she hit me, after some more yelling she did it again.
I come from an abusive parental situation so have zero tolerance for this and got in my car and left. While I was gone the ultimate games started, she phoned my familly, got my SIL over here and played the victim, my brothers blamed me, saying its fine for a woman to hit her husband. My mother just keeps telling me how great my wife is.
Don't get me wrong I am no saint, my behavior over the years has been erratic. I feel so alone and unwanted I visit porn sites and self pleasure for my only regular sexual gratification. I have been on dating sites, Craigslist, whatever comes up for sexual fantasy hook ups. (Usually looking up far more interesting locales them where I live...like Vegas lol) and fantasizing and hoping that someone, anyone finds me attractive. I have probably been exposed in the ****** ******* hack (although fake email account) never the less all things that I have rationalized and justified as a way to satisfy the missing pieces in my life. I guess I am consisted someone that "no shows" since I will take the chatting to the point of meeting and then I can't/won't. I am sure anyone that actually looks for meetings thinks I am scum
I have dark thoughts, that I am the problem, the world is better off without me, my familly would be better off, maybe my wife would find someone to make her happy.... I have come very close to ending it all and only been pulled back by the thoughts of my daughter.
I have phoned crisis lines, read books, seem a councillor. Apparently my behavior is typical (which helps me feel normal) the porn, looking for emotional affairs, thoughts of ending ones life.
I don't know why I wrote this. Especially here. I don't know, I have written so many things to myself (at the direction of shrinks) I guess I am wondering if anyone else is in the same situation, going through the same? Do you stay? How do you cope? Any insights?
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