I can't believe I'm typing any of this frankly. Not here. Not anywhere someone I don't know could read it. Yet, here I am. Keeping details sparse and vague anyway.
I'm a man. I've been married for more than a decade. We spent several years together before having children, but now have more than one. I would love to say the issues began after children arrived. If so, I'd believe that once they're a little older everything will be fine. The reality is they started early in the relationship. It ebbed and flowed, but I made a commitment. So did she. We worked through it. We've been to counseling. I've spoken with relatives. I've spoken with friends.
Even more than our marriage, she is committed to unhappiness. I earn enough such that she's never had to work and still does not. While I have not always remained in the best of physical shape, I've been fairly fit for a good portion of our relationship. At my fittest, things do not improve. If anything, they get worse. She's quick to insult or complain, but compliments are rarely if ever shared. The smallest inconveniences send her into tiny tantrums. Our oldest child has begun to pick up on her depression and asks if she is happy or sad. There are times I feel I am walking across thin ice on a warm day just being in her presence. I can only imagine how that feels to a young child.
She's seen people individually to help. Licensed therapists. She's been off and on medication. There is no noticeable difference. Perhaps fewer absolute breakdowns.
She's a good mother when happy, a very good mother. She's dedicated. Attentive. Addresses every need in terms of the basics. She can be loving and affectionate with them, though never with the same warmth the children and I share.
I struggle with insecurity, in general, but I've grown exceedingly less confident as the marriage continues and her general apathy towards me continues. Yet, there are times where I notice reactions from strangers or those I am around daily that indicate perhaps it's not what I fear. I then see-saw between confidence and insecurity, and it leaves me a mess because the opinion I care most about is only positive when forced or dragged out into the open, leaving me to doubt it.
Frankly, I'm lost. My love for my children is so unconditional and deep that I can never regret any past decision that led to their existence. I can also never entertain a future where I have even less contact with them, even less influence over their emotional health and well being. So, it is resolved in my mind that I will never leave or take actions that will risk divorce. I couldn't bear to do that to my children. Yet, I've also reached a point where I am completely out of energy to keep trying to make the relationship work as a couple.
I initiate and plan all dates. I initiate 99% of the intimacy and the 1% feels random and strangely out of place when it does occur. I initiate 99%+ of the warm moments, small things like a hug or kiss or brush of the shoulder. When I stop, she notices, and asks what's wrong. This is now a 10+ year cycle. I'm exhausted by it. It saddens me, but I recognize that what love I have for her does not resemble the love I once had. Even worse, I'm afraid she does not have the tools and is not committed to developing the tools to repair the relationship. If I stop trying, when I stop trying, we will truly just be parents to children. Not a couple.
Perhaps when they're older, late high school or in college, I can re-evaluate. But I'm just feeling a little sickened at the reality of so many more years spent feeling utterly alone in that way. Of so much of my life and opportunity gone. Of knowing that as I age, the partner I'd hoped I found to grow old with will not only not be there, but in so many ways is already gone.
Sorry for the rambling rant, but another night of feeling unwelcome in my own home has me reeling today.
I'm a man. I've been married for more than a decade. We spent several years together before having children, but now have more than one. I would love to say the issues began after children arrived. If so, I'd believe that once they're a little older everything will be fine. The reality is they started early in the relationship. It ebbed and flowed, but I made a commitment. So did she. We worked through it. We've been to counseling. I've spoken with relatives. I've spoken with friends.
Even more than our marriage, she is committed to unhappiness. I earn enough such that she's never had to work and still does not. While I have not always remained in the best of physical shape, I've been fairly fit for a good portion of our relationship. At my fittest, things do not improve. If anything, they get worse. She's quick to insult or complain, but compliments are rarely if ever shared. The smallest inconveniences send her into tiny tantrums. Our oldest child has begun to pick up on her depression and asks if she is happy or sad. There are times I feel I am walking across thin ice on a warm day just being in her presence. I can only imagine how that feels to a young child.
She's seen people individually to help. Licensed therapists. She's been off and on medication. There is no noticeable difference. Perhaps fewer absolute breakdowns.
She's a good mother when happy, a very good mother. She's dedicated. Attentive. Addresses every need in terms of the basics. She can be loving and affectionate with them, though never with the same warmth the children and I share.
I struggle with insecurity, in general, but I've grown exceedingly less confident as the marriage continues and her general apathy towards me continues. Yet, there are times where I notice reactions from strangers or those I am around daily that indicate perhaps it's not what I fear. I then see-saw between confidence and insecurity, and it leaves me a mess because the opinion I care most about is only positive when forced or dragged out into the open, leaving me to doubt it.
Frankly, I'm lost. My love for my children is so unconditional and deep that I can never regret any past decision that led to their existence. I can also never entertain a future where I have even less contact with them, even less influence over their emotional health and well being. So, it is resolved in my mind that I will never leave or take actions that will risk divorce. I couldn't bear to do that to my children. Yet, I've also reached a point where I am completely out of energy to keep trying to make the relationship work as a couple.
I initiate and plan all dates. I initiate 99% of the intimacy and the 1% feels random and strangely out of place when it does occur. I initiate 99%+ of the warm moments, small things like a hug or kiss or brush of the shoulder. When I stop, she notices, and asks what's wrong. This is now a 10+ year cycle. I'm exhausted by it. It saddens me, but I recognize that what love I have for her does not resemble the love I once had. Even worse, I'm afraid she does not have the tools and is not committed to developing the tools to repair the relationship. If I stop trying, when I stop trying, we will truly just be parents to children. Not a couple.
Perhaps when they're older, late high school or in college, I can re-evaluate. But I'm just feeling a little sickened at the reality of so many more years spent feeling utterly alone in that way. Of so much of my life and opportunity gone. Of knowing that as I age, the partner I'd hoped I found to grow old with will not only not be there, but in so many ways is already gone.
Sorry for the rambling rant, but another night of feeling unwelcome in my own home has me reeling today.
Put the internet to work for you.
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