Hi. I'm new here and this is my first post. I've done a lot of reading, and my situation seems to be unfortunately common on these boards. While I don't expect to post something original, I do need to get some support and the people on this board seem to be fair and helpful. It's hard to distill one's marital problems into a succinct script, so this might be rather long. Sorry, I hope you can get through it and give me input.
The problem: The lack of quality and quantity of sex in our marriage is driving me crazy.
Background: I'm 30 and my wife is 29. We have a 5 yr. old girl. We get along well, fight infrequently, and try our best to support each other. I try very hard to be considerate of her in all things. I probably do at least 50% of the house work. I take excellent care of our daughter. I work 45-50 hours per week and come home and do dishes, straighten up, laundry, whatever needs done. She works part time, 24 hours per week on nightshift, and also takes care of our daughter while I'm at work (on days she isn't sleeping/working). We are both fit. I work out 7 days/wk for 90 minutes a day and am in excellent shape. She doesn't work out at all, but maintains a good figure. We've been married 7 years, together for 9.
She suffers from depression and has been on AD at times (no longer). Sometime shortly after we got married our sex life slowed way down. Before we were married it was every day, she couldn't get enough. After marriage, we went from multiple times a week to multiple times per month. Then we had our daughter and it came to a crawl. Maybe once or twice per month, duty sex. She had post-partum depression, and so the AD's came, and then she had sexual dysfunction. It was very frustrating for us both, she couldn't orgasm at all for months. Somewhere during those years we lost the emotional connection that we once had. We focused less on each other and more on our daughter. We still touched, still cuddled, but sex wasn't on her mind. It was a regular topic of our arguments. I want to be wanted, want her to want me the way I want her. I have passion for this woman, I want to please her without boundaries. But she says she just doesn't care about sex, that it's a fantasy of mine to want this steamy side to our relationship. She said she was sheltered growing up, and that sex wasn't talked about. She doesn't masturbate, doesn't think lusty thoughts during the day. I'm HD, always have been.
Communication is another issue. In the past she would not deal with confrontation appropriately. She would ball up and shut down. So, we never talk about sex, it makes her uncomfortable. It put us in this little box that she can control. Don't talk about sex, only these pre-approved positions, don't go down on me unless I'm freshly showered, she never initiates sex, etc. She has these body image issues that are so unfounded. Granted, when we were dating she was 118 lbs. with abs and she's 130 lbs now, but I have to say that I find her very attractive and sexy. I tell her all the time and try to boost her confidence. She has none. She sees herself as grossly out of shape. I keep trying to reinforce with her that if you are unhappy you can change, but be confident in who you are in the moment and focus on the change you want to see over time. I have experience in this department as I was very overweight and got in great shape after our daughter was born. She hasn't made any real effort to lose weight or get in better shape in years. She stopped wearing makeup except special occasions and her clothing went from dressy to frumpy. Now, I am not hung up on all that, I want her to be comfortable in her own skin above all else, I find her incredibly attractive, and I don't need to have a wife that is done up to the nines all the time. However, she just doesn't have any confidence to save her poor life. I wish I could gift it to her.
So, a few months ago I started to get really depressed and resentful. I felt like I put all this energy into being a good partner and tending to her needs and she could care less about mine. I would come home and see the house a wreck where she hadn't done much of anything all day. And where I could chill out and cope before, I just felt pi$$y and argumentative. I kind of checked out, she checked out and we stopped communicating much at all really. Physical contact was not there like it should be and she started giving me these god-awful "peck" kisses before bed that really frustrated me. I was completely depressed with the hopelessness of where we were at. I started to distance myself emotionally and do my own thing more. I considered for the first time that I might be able to leave her and that I could still be a good dad. However, I still loved this girl, and I am not a quitter.
So, I started a conversation that ended up being a fight. She wanted another baby, and I couldn't even entertain the thought of it when I was completely frustrated and considering walking away. I told her no to another baby at this time. I asked that we try to connect more emotionally and physically and revisit it later. In the end we agreed to both work on things. We started trying to connect, communicate, touch, etc. I got this idea to take her on a weekend getaway, and we planned that for a month. We had a good time, but it felt like I took my roommate with me on vacation. We had one session of duty sex that she put off until she was good and tired, and there was no passion despite the perfect conditions of our romantic trip and max effort on my part. I came home complete defeated. Meanwhile she thought things were just peachy. In the week after I was just falling apart inside. I felt like I was doomed to a lifetime of a passionless, going through the motions, sex-starved marriage. I know that some people have matching baseline libidos, and real passion for each other. I felt like it was super hard to stay emotionally connected without that for me. And I really considered leaving.
Instead, I sat her down and we had a very frank conversation. I told her that I needed an emotional and physical connection with her, and that I was not satisfied being her roommate. I told her that if she couldn't invest the energy to try to achieve this in our marriage with me that I must leave her. I said it and meant it and she was completely devastated.
In the aftermath, she felt hopeless. She asked for my ring back (I didn't give it to her). She said that all I wanted was sex, and that I was selfish. She called my parents and asked them for advice in great sobs. She called me at work on a Friday hysterically screaming "I don't know what to do." So, I left work and consoled her and we agreed we would do whatever it takes. I felt bad for pushing her that far, but I made a decision that I wouldn't live like that anymore.
In the two weeks following, we did a complete 180. What I hoped to accomplish on the trip we did then. We texted each other long love notes, we held hands, we snuggled on the couch, we were better parents to our daughter, etc. We had sex every single day, sometimes multiple times per day, and she was present, uninhibited, experimental, orgasmic, and PASSIONATE. We talked about what she really needs emotionally to feel like having sex, and it clicked with me how I wasn't providing it before. She didn't care that I kept up the laundry, she wanted to talk and touch and be very close outside the bedroom before she felt anything like having sex. We were both in heaven and we talked endlessly about everything, especially the turn in our marriage. We said to ourselves, "How did we ever get to that horrible place in our marriage, we never want to go back."
Then she worked one night, and we couldn't have sex. Then the next day I let her sleep in, and I thought maybe we should cool it, I won't initiate because every day is just not sustainable. She didn't either. Instead we were very lovey and watched a movie snuggled up to each other. Then the next day she was clearly in a mood. I was able to help her shake it, and we had a pretty good day. We flirted and ended up having sex that night. However, it was back to our duty sex. There was no passion on her part. She was trying, but couldn't orgasm. This was semi-rare even before our "awakening." So, we just stopped. I tried to comfort her, tell her it's OK, and that we'll try again another day. We cuddled and that was that. She said she'd make it up to me. I could tell she was trying.
Then yesterday we had another good day. I let her sleep for 13+ hours so that she would feel rested. We were affectionate with each other, and she made several hints that it was on. We put our daughter to bed early and started to make love. It just didn't happen. She was in her head again, not focused on being present, not breathing right, not enjoying herself, quiet. We tried for a long time, nearly an hour, and it just wasn't happening no matter what I did. I tried to get her to let me just make her have an orgasm orally, but she wouldn't have it. "It's too messy now." She told me to just go myself and I said no, that it wasn't the only point of it. She got up in a huff and was emotional and angry. We settled down and were affectionate towards each other, but my mind was racing so I got up and watched something on TV.
Today I texted her that I loved her, but I was scared we were going to go backwards. I told her to not give up, that we need to keep trying. She texted me back something very positive, that we would keep going until we got it right.
She's the love of my life, and we're connecting in new ways that we never have before. Our attitudes towards each other are so kind and loving now, but I am deathly afraid of losing ground. With everything seeming to hinge on this issue, I can't imagine that added pressure will help the situation. I hope to look back at this as a positive turning point in which we figured it out and overcame our sexual issues. But sometimes it still feels hopeless. Her attitude is very different now, more positive, so I think we are holding it together. Why is this so difficult? It's just sex and it comes naturally to me. But for her it's something really hard, just out of reach, like she can't let go and enjoy herself with me. I'm longing for her to just release these limitations she puts on herself that are getting in the way of us firing on all cylinders. I am positive, though, because we've made such progress in a short period of time and we're actually communicating.
Does anyone have any feedback for me, opinions on what I can do to improve our situation?
Thanks for listening.
The problem: The lack of quality and quantity of sex in our marriage is driving me crazy.
Background: I'm 30 and my wife is 29. We have a 5 yr. old girl. We get along well, fight infrequently, and try our best to support each other. I try very hard to be considerate of her in all things. I probably do at least 50% of the house work. I take excellent care of our daughter. I work 45-50 hours per week and come home and do dishes, straighten up, laundry, whatever needs done. She works part time, 24 hours per week on nightshift, and also takes care of our daughter while I'm at work (on days she isn't sleeping/working). We are both fit. I work out 7 days/wk for 90 minutes a day and am in excellent shape. She doesn't work out at all, but maintains a good figure. We've been married 7 years, together for 9.
She suffers from depression and has been on AD at times (no longer). Sometime shortly after we got married our sex life slowed way down. Before we were married it was every day, she couldn't get enough. After marriage, we went from multiple times a week to multiple times per month. Then we had our daughter and it came to a crawl. Maybe once or twice per month, duty sex. She had post-partum depression, and so the AD's came, and then she had sexual dysfunction. It was very frustrating for us both, she couldn't orgasm at all for months. Somewhere during those years we lost the emotional connection that we once had. We focused less on each other and more on our daughter. We still touched, still cuddled, but sex wasn't on her mind. It was a regular topic of our arguments. I want to be wanted, want her to want me the way I want her. I have passion for this woman, I want to please her without boundaries. But she says she just doesn't care about sex, that it's a fantasy of mine to want this steamy side to our relationship. She said she was sheltered growing up, and that sex wasn't talked about. She doesn't masturbate, doesn't think lusty thoughts during the day. I'm HD, always have been.
Communication is another issue. In the past she would not deal with confrontation appropriately. She would ball up and shut down. So, we never talk about sex, it makes her uncomfortable. It put us in this little box that she can control. Don't talk about sex, only these pre-approved positions, don't go down on me unless I'm freshly showered, she never initiates sex, etc. She has these body image issues that are so unfounded. Granted, when we were dating she was 118 lbs. with abs and she's 130 lbs now, but I have to say that I find her very attractive and sexy. I tell her all the time and try to boost her confidence. She has none. She sees herself as grossly out of shape. I keep trying to reinforce with her that if you are unhappy you can change, but be confident in who you are in the moment and focus on the change you want to see over time. I have experience in this department as I was very overweight and got in great shape after our daughter was born. She hasn't made any real effort to lose weight or get in better shape in years. She stopped wearing makeup except special occasions and her clothing went from dressy to frumpy. Now, I am not hung up on all that, I want her to be comfortable in her own skin above all else, I find her incredibly attractive, and I don't need to have a wife that is done up to the nines all the time. However, she just doesn't have any confidence to save her poor life. I wish I could gift it to her.
So, a few months ago I started to get really depressed and resentful. I felt like I put all this energy into being a good partner and tending to her needs and she could care less about mine. I would come home and see the house a wreck where she hadn't done much of anything all day. And where I could chill out and cope before, I just felt pi$$y and argumentative. I kind of checked out, she checked out and we stopped communicating much at all really. Physical contact was not there like it should be and she started giving me these god-awful "peck" kisses before bed that really frustrated me. I was completely depressed with the hopelessness of where we were at. I started to distance myself emotionally and do my own thing more. I considered for the first time that I might be able to leave her and that I could still be a good dad. However, I still loved this girl, and I am not a quitter.
So, I started a conversation that ended up being a fight. She wanted another baby, and I couldn't even entertain the thought of it when I was completely frustrated and considering walking away. I told her no to another baby at this time. I asked that we try to connect more emotionally and physically and revisit it later. In the end we agreed to both work on things. We started trying to connect, communicate, touch, etc. I got this idea to take her on a weekend getaway, and we planned that for a month. We had a good time, but it felt like I took my roommate with me on vacation. We had one session of duty sex that she put off until she was good and tired, and there was no passion despite the perfect conditions of our romantic trip and max effort on my part. I came home complete defeated. Meanwhile she thought things were just peachy. In the week after I was just falling apart inside. I felt like I was doomed to a lifetime of a passionless, going through the motions, sex-starved marriage. I know that some people have matching baseline libidos, and real passion for each other. I felt like it was super hard to stay emotionally connected without that for me. And I really considered leaving.
Instead, I sat her down and we had a very frank conversation. I told her that I needed an emotional and physical connection with her, and that I was not satisfied being her roommate. I told her that if she couldn't invest the energy to try to achieve this in our marriage with me that I must leave her. I said it and meant it and she was completely devastated.
In the aftermath, she felt hopeless. She asked for my ring back (I didn't give it to her). She said that all I wanted was sex, and that I was selfish. She called my parents and asked them for advice in great sobs. She called me at work on a Friday hysterically screaming "I don't know what to do." So, I left work and consoled her and we agreed we would do whatever it takes. I felt bad for pushing her that far, but I made a decision that I wouldn't live like that anymore.
In the two weeks following, we did a complete 180. What I hoped to accomplish on the trip we did then. We texted each other long love notes, we held hands, we snuggled on the couch, we were better parents to our daughter, etc. We had sex every single day, sometimes multiple times per day, and she was present, uninhibited, experimental, orgasmic, and PASSIONATE. We talked about what she really needs emotionally to feel like having sex, and it clicked with me how I wasn't providing it before. She didn't care that I kept up the laundry, she wanted to talk and touch and be very close outside the bedroom before she felt anything like having sex. We were both in heaven and we talked endlessly about everything, especially the turn in our marriage. We said to ourselves, "How did we ever get to that horrible place in our marriage, we never want to go back."
Then she worked one night, and we couldn't have sex. Then the next day I let her sleep in, and I thought maybe we should cool it, I won't initiate because every day is just not sustainable. She didn't either. Instead we were very lovey and watched a movie snuggled up to each other. Then the next day she was clearly in a mood. I was able to help her shake it, and we had a pretty good day. We flirted and ended up having sex that night. However, it was back to our duty sex. There was no passion on her part. She was trying, but couldn't orgasm. This was semi-rare even before our "awakening." So, we just stopped. I tried to comfort her, tell her it's OK, and that we'll try again another day. We cuddled and that was that. She said she'd make it up to me. I could tell she was trying.
Then yesterday we had another good day. I let her sleep for 13+ hours so that she would feel rested. We were affectionate with each other, and she made several hints that it was on. We put our daughter to bed early and started to make love. It just didn't happen. She was in her head again, not focused on being present, not breathing right, not enjoying herself, quiet. We tried for a long time, nearly an hour, and it just wasn't happening no matter what I did. I tried to get her to let me just make her have an orgasm orally, but she wouldn't have it. "It's too messy now." She told me to just go myself and I said no, that it wasn't the only point of it. She got up in a huff and was emotional and angry. We settled down and were affectionate towards each other, but my mind was racing so I got up and watched something on TV.
Today I texted her that I loved her, but I was scared we were going to go backwards. I told her to not give up, that we need to keep trying. She texted me back something very positive, that we would keep going until we got it right.
She's the love of my life, and we're connecting in new ways that we never have before. Our attitudes towards each other are so kind and loving now, but I am deathly afraid of losing ground. With everything seeming to hinge on this issue, I can't imagine that added pressure will help the situation. I hope to look back at this as a positive turning point in which we figured it out and overcame our sexual issues. But sometimes it still feels hopeless. Her attitude is very different now, more positive, so I think we are holding it together. Why is this so difficult? It's just sex and it comes naturally to me. But for her it's something really hard, just out of reach, like she can't let go and enjoy herself with me. I'm longing for her to just release these limitations she puts on herself that are getting in the way of us firing on all cylinders. I am positive, though, because we've made such progress in a short period of time and we're actually communicating.
Does anyone have any feedback for me, opinions on what I can do to improve our situation?
Thanks for listening.
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