Well, here is my story:
When I was growing up, I grew up in a very emotionally abusive household and witnessed my mother cheated on and abused by my father when he was drinking.
When I was a pre-teen my mother finally tried to get out of the relationship, and met a new man. My father was at that time having an affair with another woman.
During a drug fueled rage, my father broken into the family home and tried to kill me because I did not know where my mother was. She had left my brother and myself at home while she was out with her new bf.
My father went to jail for assaulting police, my mom sold the house and we moved.
Before all of this happened, I had been sexually assaulted a few times, couple times by a neighbour, once by some distant family members, and once by a family friend.
Needless to say, all of these things has left me with depression (which I treat very successfully), trust issues towards men and anger towards my mother for not protecting me.
When I met my kids father, things were amazing. He was very protective of me, supportive, loving and caring, and these things made me fall in love with him. He made me laugh and for the first time in life I felt happy. The only problem that we ever had was his ex-gf. She was still a "family friend". My issue was not that she was a friend, but was that she would go out of her way to buy him gifts and come over unexplained and hit on him. She made it obvious that she was still interested in him, and this bothered me.
He moved away from his home (we were long distance for a year), we were married and I became pregnant with our first child, and within 3 years we had 3 children.
As our children grew, it became obvious that there was an issue with my youngest, and as it turns out, he has a disability. I then found out my oldest had the same disability, but to a lesser degree.
After doing some snooping, I found out that my FIL has a similar condition. This caused a lot of strain in the relationship with my kids dad and I because I felt as if this should have been something that he should have told me about. Needless to say, between all of the stress of having to raise disabled children and my resentment towards him, I was becoming unhappy.
He was unhappy with all the stress as well, and buried himself in his work. When I needed his support, he would plop his butt on the couch and fall asleep. Leaving me alone emotionally.
One day, I noticed that he had left his fb open, and I snooped.
What I found was what I consider and EA between him and his ex-gf. He was under stress, and instead of talking to me, he talked to her, and this encouraged her, because she still had feelings towards him. When I saw this, I confronted him, and he said he just needed to talk to someone. This killed me inside because he should have talked to me, not her, especially since he knows how I feel about her and how she feels towards him.
I got really angry, and I called her out on it in front of her family and friends. In retaliation, she continued to pursue him sexually (talking about him in a sexual manner towards family and friends).
I went on the defensive and went back at her, and there was a huge blow up on my BILs fb. The BIL was mad at me because he felt I was going overboard (because he had no idea about what was going on and only saw me getting po'd) and then he went after me.
My kids dad then, instead of defending me and standing up against his ex, basically hid in the ground and let me take a lot of flack from his brother. I then sent all of the proof of what the ex gf was doing to HER mother, she agreed with me, and she put a stop to her daughters antics.
Although I received a solution to the ex gf, I was destroyed inside.
My SO had sought emotional comfort with someone who he should have not, I was humiliated because of it, and then I had to deal with the problem because he did nothing to support me.
Adding him still passing out on the couch every night and leaving me alone with disabled kids, well I snapped. I felt alone and abandoned, and ended up meeting a nice man.
I made my kids dad move out because of everything, and then started to have a relationship with this new man.
In the four years since this all happened, my kids dad has tried to win me back....to the point of obsession. He came into the house to surprise me for my birthday and then went after the man I was dating at the time, he attacked me sexually when he found out I was in love with another bf I had ( we have since broken up over the kids dad's behaviour) and threatened another bf that I had after that.
I will not put him in jail because of his actions. I know that his problem is that he has mental health issues, and that jail is not the place for him. I also have 3 kids to take care of financially, and I rely on his child support to pay the bills because I am going back to school.
A couple of weeks ago, he was visiting the kids and he started drinking. The kids went to bed and I let him stay on the couch so he would not drink and drive. We once again got into another fight, and he chased me down and choked me.
That seems to have been the straw that finally snapped in him and made him understand that he has mental health issues and he is now finally going to seek help for his anger and depression. Finally.
So now, I have to do some soul searching.
The past several years have been very bad. We have both learned a lot of lessons and have grown as people. He is my kids dad, and for that reason I love him, however I am not in love with him anymore.
When we are not fighting, we do get along well. When we fight, it is like a nuclear explosion.
I know deep inside myself that if he was to get help for his issues, that I would be willing to look past all the abuse and give our relationship another try, and that it would be possible to fall in love with him again.
I also know that there has been a lot of abuse, and that I really should not look past it, regardless of what improvements he does make.
Before anyone asks about my children and their exposure to this, they have NOT seen him abuse me. I have always put them first and they have never seen this. I will not do to them what my mother did to me.
I guess what I need to know is, can abusers change?
When I was growing up, I grew up in a very emotionally abusive household and witnessed my mother cheated on and abused by my father when he was drinking.
When I was a pre-teen my mother finally tried to get out of the relationship, and met a new man. My father was at that time having an affair with another woman.
During a drug fueled rage, my father broken into the family home and tried to kill me because I did not know where my mother was. She had left my brother and myself at home while she was out with her new bf.
My father went to jail for assaulting police, my mom sold the house and we moved.
Before all of this happened, I had been sexually assaulted a few times, couple times by a neighbour, once by some distant family members, and once by a family friend.
Needless to say, all of these things has left me with depression (which I treat very successfully), trust issues towards men and anger towards my mother for not protecting me.
When I met my kids father, things were amazing. He was very protective of me, supportive, loving and caring, and these things made me fall in love with him. He made me laugh and for the first time in life I felt happy. The only problem that we ever had was his ex-gf. She was still a "family friend". My issue was not that she was a friend, but was that she would go out of her way to buy him gifts and come over unexplained and hit on him. She made it obvious that she was still interested in him, and this bothered me.
He moved away from his home (we were long distance for a year), we were married and I became pregnant with our first child, and within 3 years we had 3 children.
As our children grew, it became obvious that there was an issue with my youngest, and as it turns out, he has a disability. I then found out my oldest had the same disability, but to a lesser degree.
After doing some snooping, I found out that my FIL has a similar condition. This caused a lot of strain in the relationship with my kids dad and I because I felt as if this should have been something that he should have told me about. Needless to say, between all of the stress of having to raise disabled children and my resentment towards him, I was becoming unhappy.
He was unhappy with all the stress as well, and buried himself in his work. When I needed his support, he would plop his butt on the couch and fall asleep. Leaving me alone emotionally.
One day, I noticed that he had left his fb open, and I snooped.
What I found was what I consider and EA between him and his ex-gf. He was under stress, and instead of talking to me, he talked to her, and this encouraged her, because she still had feelings towards him. When I saw this, I confronted him, and he said he just needed to talk to someone. This killed me inside because he should have talked to me, not her, especially since he knows how I feel about her and how she feels towards him.
I got really angry, and I called her out on it in front of her family and friends. In retaliation, she continued to pursue him sexually (talking about him in a sexual manner towards family and friends).
I went on the defensive and went back at her, and there was a huge blow up on my BILs fb. The BIL was mad at me because he felt I was going overboard (because he had no idea about what was going on and only saw me getting po'd) and then he went after me.
My kids dad then, instead of defending me and standing up against his ex, basically hid in the ground and let me take a lot of flack from his brother. I then sent all of the proof of what the ex gf was doing to HER mother, she agreed with me, and she put a stop to her daughters antics.
Although I received a solution to the ex gf, I was destroyed inside.
My SO had sought emotional comfort with someone who he should have not, I was humiliated because of it, and then I had to deal with the problem because he did nothing to support me.
Adding him still passing out on the couch every night and leaving me alone with disabled kids, well I snapped. I felt alone and abandoned, and ended up meeting a nice man.
I made my kids dad move out because of everything, and then started to have a relationship with this new man.
In the four years since this all happened, my kids dad has tried to win me back....to the point of obsession. He came into the house to surprise me for my birthday and then went after the man I was dating at the time, he attacked me sexually when he found out I was in love with another bf I had ( we have since broken up over the kids dad's behaviour) and threatened another bf that I had after that.
I will not put him in jail because of his actions. I know that his problem is that he has mental health issues, and that jail is not the place for him. I also have 3 kids to take care of financially, and I rely on his child support to pay the bills because I am going back to school.
A couple of weeks ago, he was visiting the kids and he started drinking. The kids went to bed and I let him stay on the couch so he would not drink and drive. We once again got into another fight, and he chased me down and choked me.
That seems to have been the straw that finally snapped in him and made him understand that he has mental health issues and he is now finally going to seek help for his anger and depression. Finally.
So now, I have to do some soul searching.
The past several years have been very bad. We have both learned a lot of lessons and have grown as people. He is my kids dad, and for that reason I love him, however I am not in love with him anymore.
When we are not fighting, we do get along well. When we fight, it is like a nuclear explosion.
I know deep inside myself that if he was to get help for his issues, that I would be willing to look past all the abuse and give our relationship another try, and that it would be possible to fall in love with him again.
I also know that there has been a lot of abuse, and that I really should not look past it, regardless of what improvements he does make.
Before anyone asks about my children and their exposure to this, they have NOT seen him abuse me. I have always put them first and they have never seen this. I will not do to them what my mother did to me.
I guess what I need to know is, can abusers change?
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment