First time on this forum. I know that the marital problem I'm going to describe isn't uncommon, but it has a couple of aspects that I haven't heard addressed elsewhere. I'd like to hear some perspectives on the situation.
Wife and I have been together 21 years, married 19. Two girls, ages 15 and 10. A few weeks ago, she confessed to me that she had developed feelings for someone she knows through her work. She works at a hotel that caters to a lot of business travelers. They get a lot of regulars, and she gets to be friends with some of them, gets to know about their families, etc. Nothing unusual there. Wes (I have other unprintable names for him) has been coming in for about a year, and he's been nothing other than a regular guest that she enjoys talking to, but she started developing feelings for him. She is sure (and I tend to agree) that the attraction is mutual. This man is also married, with two boys, but says that his marriage has been unhappy. He knows that we are going through a rocky time but doesn't know the details.
I know that they haven't been physical. He only comes in for a couple of days every few weeks, and during those times she hasn't been out of my sight other than for work, so I know that any physical contact is extremely unlikely. He lives over 800 miles away. Their communication has been sometimes chatting in the lobby and mostly via text. The text conversations have often been flirty, with him complimenting her outfits (she is very beautiful IMHO) , both saying things like "I miss you", "been thinking about you", etc. Inappropriate for married people to be doing, but not quite to the level of "sexting". There were a couple of times that he made what I consider to be sexual innuendo, i.e. saying he needed a snuggle buddy and offering her a backrub when she mentioned wrenching a muscle at the gym. To her credit she recognized those and didn't respond, steering the conversation back to more mundane things. Other conversations have been very mundane; if they had been with anyone else I wouldn't have cared. Up until now, jealousy and insecurity with her has not been on my list of personal flaws.
I've been focused on this guy as an immediate threat, but I know that he didn't cause our root problems, which have been going back to the beginning of our marriage. I'm fully aware that I helped drive the car towards the cliff. We have been talking a lot and identified some core issues. It's these festering issues, combined with the fact that two people busy with life have let their marriage go on autopilot for a few years, that allowed the intimacy to die in our relationship. She was emotionally vulnerable, even more than she herself realized, and he just showed up at the right time.
Here's what I find unusual about this and I haven't heard it addressed anywhere else. She's been anything but secretive. She has been extremely up front and honest about her feelings towards him and her feelings towards me. She shows me their text conversations, and we've had whole discussions trying to analyze what this guy really wants. Does he want a legitimate relationship, an affair, or does he just want a cute female friend to talk to? I know it's entirely possible that she's editing what she shows, me, but knowing her personality and knowing that she shows and tells me things that are pretty painful, makes me think that's unlikely. It's almost as if I'm married to a pathological truth-teller.
The good: We get along beautifully for the most part. She and I spend a lot of time together and enjoy each other's company. We're still affectionate. We've identified the core issues in our marriage that led us to where we are. In the course of talking, she has told me that a couple of the issues we had identified have not ended up being quite the stumbling blocks she originally thought. She called me up the other day and apologized for something she did to me early in our marriage that put a wedge between us. She acknowledges that we are closer now than we were a couple of months ago.
We made love the other night for the first time since she dropped the bomb. The sex didn't fix our problems, but she admits that it demolished one of her original claims. When she first dropped the bomb and said that she was considering divorce, she said that she had lost her sexual attraction for me and wasn't sure she could get it back. The other night proved her wrong at least on that count. Her terminology has changed somewhat too. She at point told me she was in love with the other guy. She's backed off that, and now says that he has some strange hold over her that she doesn't understand.
The bad: despite the fact that she has regained her sexual attraction for me, and recognizes that we are the closest we have been in years, she is still preoccupied with Wes. She says that she is confused and needs to figure him out. Her feelings for him are intense enough that she openly wonders if he's the man she's meant to be with, despite the fact that he's married, and to be with him she would have to pack up her entire life and move 800 miles to a state she's never even been to. She does say that she has definite boundaries; she refuses to be a mistress or a friend with benefits with a married man. She only wants a relationship with him if it's open and legitimate, i.e. after she and he are both divorced from their current spouses. On the other hand, she says that it's entirely possible that she doesn't need to be with either one of us. She also holds out the possibility that she and I are meant to stay together. She freely admits that she's pretty much a confused mess.
She insists that she needs to meet with him face-to-face to clear the air and help her sort out her feelings. He's coming back into town in December and they plan to meet for drinks. I've agreed to this. I know conventional wisdom says that people in emotional entanglements should cut off all contact. Knowing her personality, for me to demand that would make her dig in and intensify her feelings for him. I made the judgment call to agree to give her space to communicate with him, subject to a few rules. She never initiates the conversation, and when they do text she lets me read them afterwards. He does not know that I'm aware of their relationship, although he will find that out when they meet. I'm not too worried about her cheating on me during their meeting; I suppose if she does cheat on me that evening then I'll be pretty clear about what needs to happen next. Even if he confesses his love for her and promises to leave his wife, she's going to demand a 6-month cooling off period to give her a chance to work on our relationship and see if he puts his money where his mouth is. She knows better than to make a life decision based on the promises of a married man.
I've been applying a modified 180 with her. I wasn't sure that the whole thing was appropriate in this case because all things considered we're getting along so well. I stopped the begging, pleading and reasoning with her since those don't work. I've concentrated on improving myself, physically and emotionally. I concentrate on being a strong, positive, cheerful masculine presence in the house. I lost some weight during the shock and panic phase of this whole thing and I took advantage of it by hitting the gym again. I'm now seeing my abs for the first time in twenty years. I've gotten involved in a new church (that started before the bomb drop) and been working on my side business. I'm looking for a new job (career dissatisfaction was one of the things that caused my moodiness and irritability and caused her to pull away). I made it clear to her that while I am 100% committed to saving our marriage as long as she's willing to try, that I do not "need" her. If she decides after all is said and done to walk away, I'll take the new life she hands me and run with it. I am planning to take a long weekend next month to go off to Texas without her, just to get some time away, think, and reconnect with old friends. She's completely on board with that. She has noticed and commented on my improvements in the last couple of months.
Thoughts? What does this whole situation sound like? Any suggestions on how I can handle this whole mess? Is the 180 appropriate or should I try something else? I'm Mr Patience and I'm ready for the long haul, but feedback is appreciated.
Wife and I have been together 21 years, married 19. Two girls, ages 15 and 10. A few weeks ago, she confessed to me that she had developed feelings for someone she knows through her work. She works at a hotel that caters to a lot of business travelers. They get a lot of regulars, and she gets to be friends with some of them, gets to know about their families, etc. Nothing unusual there. Wes (I have other unprintable names for him) has been coming in for about a year, and he's been nothing other than a regular guest that she enjoys talking to, but she started developing feelings for him. She is sure (and I tend to agree) that the attraction is mutual. This man is also married, with two boys, but says that his marriage has been unhappy. He knows that we are going through a rocky time but doesn't know the details.
I know that they haven't been physical. He only comes in for a couple of days every few weeks, and during those times she hasn't been out of my sight other than for work, so I know that any physical contact is extremely unlikely. He lives over 800 miles away. Their communication has been sometimes chatting in the lobby and mostly via text. The text conversations have often been flirty, with him complimenting her outfits (she is very beautiful IMHO) , both saying things like "I miss you", "been thinking about you", etc. Inappropriate for married people to be doing, but not quite to the level of "sexting". There were a couple of times that he made what I consider to be sexual innuendo, i.e. saying he needed a snuggle buddy and offering her a backrub when she mentioned wrenching a muscle at the gym. To her credit she recognized those and didn't respond, steering the conversation back to more mundane things. Other conversations have been very mundane; if they had been with anyone else I wouldn't have cared. Up until now, jealousy and insecurity with her has not been on my list of personal flaws.
I've been focused on this guy as an immediate threat, but I know that he didn't cause our root problems, which have been going back to the beginning of our marriage. I'm fully aware that I helped drive the car towards the cliff. We have been talking a lot and identified some core issues. It's these festering issues, combined with the fact that two people busy with life have let their marriage go on autopilot for a few years, that allowed the intimacy to die in our relationship. She was emotionally vulnerable, even more than she herself realized, and he just showed up at the right time.
Here's what I find unusual about this and I haven't heard it addressed anywhere else. She's been anything but secretive. She has been extremely up front and honest about her feelings towards him and her feelings towards me. She shows me their text conversations, and we've had whole discussions trying to analyze what this guy really wants. Does he want a legitimate relationship, an affair, or does he just want a cute female friend to talk to? I know it's entirely possible that she's editing what she shows, me, but knowing her personality and knowing that she shows and tells me things that are pretty painful, makes me think that's unlikely. It's almost as if I'm married to a pathological truth-teller.
The good: We get along beautifully for the most part. She and I spend a lot of time together and enjoy each other's company. We're still affectionate. We've identified the core issues in our marriage that led us to where we are. In the course of talking, she has told me that a couple of the issues we had identified have not ended up being quite the stumbling blocks she originally thought. She called me up the other day and apologized for something she did to me early in our marriage that put a wedge between us. She acknowledges that we are closer now than we were a couple of months ago.
We made love the other night for the first time since she dropped the bomb. The sex didn't fix our problems, but she admits that it demolished one of her original claims. When she first dropped the bomb and said that she was considering divorce, she said that she had lost her sexual attraction for me and wasn't sure she could get it back. The other night proved her wrong at least on that count. Her terminology has changed somewhat too. She at point told me she was in love with the other guy. She's backed off that, and now says that he has some strange hold over her that she doesn't understand.
The bad: despite the fact that she has regained her sexual attraction for me, and recognizes that we are the closest we have been in years, she is still preoccupied with Wes. She says that she is confused and needs to figure him out. Her feelings for him are intense enough that she openly wonders if he's the man she's meant to be with, despite the fact that he's married, and to be with him she would have to pack up her entire life and move 800 miles to a state she's never even been to. She does say that she has definite boundaries; she refuses to be a mistress or a friend with benefits with a married man. She only wants a relationship with him if it's open and legitimate, i.e. after she and he are both divorced from their current spouses. On the other hand, she says that it's entirely possible that she doesn't need to be with either one of us. She also holds out the possibility that she and I are meant to stay together. She freely admits that she's pretty much a confused mess.
She insists that she needs to meet with him face-to-face to clear the air and help her sort out her feelings. He's coming back into town in December and they plan to meet for drinks. I've agreed to this. I know conventional wisdom says that people in emotional entanglements should cut off all contact. Knowing her personality, for me to demand that would make her dig in and intensify her feelings for him. I made the judgment call to agree to give her space to communicate with him, subject to a few rules. She never initiates the conversation, and when they do text she lets me read them afterwards. He does not know that I'm aware of their relationship, although he will find that out when they meet. I'm not too worried about her cheating on me during their meeting; I suppose if she does cheat on me that evening then I'll be pretty clear about what needs to happen next. Even if he confesses his love for her and promises to leave his wife, she's going to demand a 6-month cooling off period to give her a chance to work on our relationship and see if he puts his money where his mouth is. She knows better than to make a life decision based on the promises of a married man.
I've been applying a modified 180 with her. I wasn't sure that the whole thing was appropriate in this case because all things considered we're getting along so well. I stopped the begging, pleading and reasoning with her since those don't work. I've concentrated on improving myself, physically and emotionally. I concentrate on being a strong, positive, cheerful masculine presence in the house. I lost some weight during the shock and panic phase of this whole thing and I took advantage of it by hitting the gym again. I'm now seeing my abs for the first time in twenty years. I've gotten involved in a new church (that started before the bomb drop) and been working on my side business. I'm looking for a new job (career dissatisfaction was one of the things that caused my moodiness and irritability and caused her to pull away). I made it clear to her that while I am 100% committed to saving our marriage as long as she's willing to try, that I do not "need" her. If she decides after all is said and done to walk away, I'll take the new life she hands me and run with it. I am planning to take a long weekend next month to go off to Texas without her, just to get some time away, think, and reconnect with old friends. She's completely on board with that. She has noticed and commented on my improvements in the last couple of months.
Thoughts? What does this whole situation sound like? Any suggestions on how I can handle this whole mess? Is the 180 appropriate or should I try something else? I'm Mr Patience and I'm ready for the long haul, but feedback is appreciated.
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