So now I'm posting here. Anytime I have marital problems I often come here and read just to feel a little better and look for advice. Now I'm afraid I just need to talk.
I'll lay it out pretty straightforward. My wife and I have been married for 7.5 years now, and together for 10 years. We have two kids aged 9 and 6. I'm 31 and she's 34.
We split up once for about 3 months, about 3 years ago. We had planned to move to another town, where her parents live, and she was to move there with the kids to start the school year, and I was to stay at home and sell the house while I looked for work. Then about 3-4 days later she calls me on the phone to tell me she doesn't want me to come with her anymore and that we're done. I got to see my kids once every two weeks for that period. And had to drive 3 hours to do it. It was pretty much kidnapping if you ask me. But I digress, we worked things out.
I recently lost my Mom suddenly about 3 months ago.
We're both Aries, so we fight pretty good when we do, but we love, laugh and play really hard too.
When my Mom passed I took it pretty hard, and started drinking more than I normally do. She did too. Sometimes if we've been drinking and we fight things get out of control and we say things that we don't mean. I have this nasty habit of taking my ring off when we really fight. I know it's immature and childish. I'm not proud of it. The last time it happened she said never to do it again, and I didn't for a long time.
Then I screwed up about 3 weeks ago. We had WAY too much to drink, and got in a fight (we've been fighting a lot) and she flat out embarrassed me in front of our friends. She started making fun of the ten year anniversary date that we had gone out on, and putting me down in front of her friends. Things escalated and I ended up taking my ring off.
It took a couple of days but we worked things out, and made some big changes. I committed to not drinking for awhile, and she jumped on board. We bot agreed to make an effort to go on dates and have sex more often, and spend more time as a family, and it's been working great!
Until the last 2 days of course.
Work has been stressful for me lately so I haven't exactly been chipper around the house, and she's been cooped up inside and being lazy. (not a huge deal) I vented a little bit of frustration about how we weren't going out and doing things as a family, and she pretty well told me that if I wanted some exercise to go get some on my own. (Again fair, but that's not the point here.)
So no big deal, then yesterday, the same thing. I let it go, and we ended up watching a movie together. She made Kraft Dinner of all wonderful things for dinner, and we sat at the table as a family and ate. I wasn't very hungry so I didn't eat it all.
After the movie, we go outside (kids are in bed at this point), and she asks me what my parents did to stay together. I said nothing really, they just stayed together. Then she says the same thing for her.
Then she starts going on about how I rely on her to entertain me. And how I don't show her that I'm happy with her. She starts telling me how I'm feeling about her, even though she's completely wrong. Eventually it boiled down to she doesn't think she wants to be in a relationship with me, or anyone else for that matter. She loves me, and thinks I'm a great Dad and a great Husband. But she doesn't think things will work, and she thinks we'll just have this argument again one day, and that she can't do it anymore. (Quite frankly neither can I)
I've gone through this too many times. I love her, unconditionally. I want to be there for my kids every day. My parents stayed together up until the day my Mom died, why can't I have a relationship like that? I don't want a divorce, or to be a divorcee. I love my family so much and they all make me happy.
In the past I've tried fighting for her, I've tried giving her space, I've tried being supportive of her decisions. We're basically going to be roommates now for awhile while she figures tings out. But I'm going insane!
Last night I did a bit of everything. I gave her space, let her know I will work amicably with whatever she wants (if you love something, set it free), and then I also told her I think this will work out and I hope she can realize how big of a decision she is making.
Now I'm pretty much not allowed to talk to her. Like I can say anything about the kids and day to day life, but if it's about the relationship she is closed right up. It's either "I don't know" or "I don't know how to articulate it." It's pretty clear I have to give her the space and time to figure it out. I'm just not that kind of guy. I like to fix what's wrong immediately.
It also makes me think that everything we've done in the past 3 weeks is a lie. I don't think you can spread positivity and love one day only to want to end the relationship the next. Either you make a commitment to love, or you make a commitment to end the relationship.
I feel like I'm being strung along. Neither of our rings are on. I think she's serious this time. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can give her space and she'll say I didn't fight for her, or I can fight for her and she'll say I didn't give her space.
Ah. I feel better venting. :) Help!
I'll lay it out pretty straightforward. My wife and I have been married for 7.5 years now, and together for 10 years. We have two kids aged 9 and 6. I'm 31 and she's 34.
We split up once for about 3 months, about 3 years ago. We had planned to move to another town, where her parents live, and she was to move there with the kids to start the school year, and I was to stay at home and sell the house while I looked for work. Then about 3-4 days later she calls me on the phone to tell me she doesn't want me to come with her anymore and that we're done. I got to see my kids once every two weeks for that period. And had to drive 3 hours to do it. It was pretty much kidnapping if you ask me. But I digress, we worked things out.
I recently lost my Mom suddenly about 3 months ago.
We're both Aries, so we fight pretty good when we do, but we love, laugh and play really hard too.
When my Mom passed I took it pretty hard, and started drinking more than I normally do. She did too. Sometimes if we've been drinking and we fight things get out of control and we say things that we don't mean. I have this nasty habit of taking my ring off when we really fight. I know it's immature and childish. I'm not proud of it. The last time it happened she said never to do it again, and I didn't for a long time.
Then I screwed up about 3 weeks ago. We had WAY too much to drink, and got in a fight (we've been fighting a lot) and she flat out embarrassed me in front of our friends. She started making fun of the ten year anniversary date that we had gone out on, and putting me down in front of her friends. Things escalated and I ended up taking my ring off.
It took a couple of days but we worked things out, and made some big changes. I committed to not drinking for awhile, and she jumped on board. We bot agreed to make an effort to go on dates and have sex more often, and spend more time as a family, and it's been working great!
Until the last 2 days of course.
Work has been stressful for me lately so I haven't exactly been chipper around the house, and she's been cooped up inside and being lazy. (not a huge deal) I vented a little bit of frustration about how we weren't going out and doing things as a family, and she pretty well told me that if I wanted some exercise to go get some on my own. (Again fair, but that's not the point here.)
So no big deal, then yesterday, the same thing. I let it go, and we ended up watching a movie together. She made Kraft Dinner of all wonderful things for dinner, and we sat at the table as a family and ate. I wasn't very hungry so I didn't eat it all.
After the movie, we go outside (kids are in bed at this point), and she asks me what my parents did to stay together. I said nothing really, they just stayed together. Then she says the same thing for her.
Then she starts going on about how I rely on her to entertain me. And how I don't show her that I'm happy with her. She starts telling me how I'm feeling about her, even though she's completely wrong. Eventually it boiled down to she doesn't think she wants to be in a relationship with me, or anyone else for that matter. She loves me, and thinks I'm a great Dad and a great Husband. But she doesn't think things will work, and she thinks we'll just have this argument again one day, and that she can't do it anymore. (Quite frankly neither can I)
I've gone through this too many times. I love her, unconditionally. I want to be there for my kids every day. My parents stayed together up until the day my Mom died, why can't I have a relationship like that? I don't want a divorce, or to be a divorcee. I love my family so much and they all make me happy.
In the past I've tried fighting for her, I've tried giving her space, I've tried being supportive of her decisions. We're basically going to be roommates now for awhile while she figures tings out. But I'm going insane!
Last night I did a bit of everything. I gave her space, let her know I will work amicably with whatever she wants (if you love something, set it free), and then I also told her I think this will work out and I hope she can realize how big of a decision she is making.
Now I'm pretty much not allowed to talk to her. Like I can say anything about the kids and day to day life, but if it's about the relationship she is closed right up. It's either "I don't know" or "I don't know how to articulate it." It's pretty clear I have to give her the space and time to figure it out. I'm just not that kind of guy. I like to fix what's wrong immediately.
It also makes me think that everything we've done in the past 3 weeks is a lie. I don't think you can spread positivity and love one day only to want to end the relationship the next. Either you make a commitment to love, or you make a commitment to end the relationship.
I feel like I'm being strung along. Neither of our rings are on. I think she's serious this time. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I can give her space and she'll say I didn't fight for her, or I can fight for her and she'll say I didn't give her space.
Ah. I feel better venting. :) Help!
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