I'm a 25 year old male in the professional world. I got married to the girl of my dreams, 28, on Labor Day. We've been together 6 years. We met in college when I was 19. We both graduated college during that time. We moved across country 3 and half years ago and moved in with each other for the first time. We were engaged for 18 months. We've moved several times together since. The wedding was the best night of my life. I got to marry my perfect girl. I just didn't realize that was far from how she apparently felt.
Things were edgy before we got married, but she's an anxious person in general and everyone told me (including her) that it was just small jitters. She was downright mean the week before. I asked her to talk to me and she didn't really. The wedding was stressful and my mom took a lot of control of it. That was hard for both us. I'm sure it was harder for her. It got away from us, but it was a fantastic party, and a fantastic weekend.
We got married.
But then things didn't get better on the honeymoon. And they didn't get better when we got home.
About three weeks ago we had a nothing argument that turned into a fight. I'd been losing my patience with her attitude, and lost my cool. But she went for a "walk" for 5 hours, left me in the dark about her wherabouts, then came home and told me she didn't think she wanted to get married.
I worked so hard to see if it was normal. I became super understanding, I wanted to work through this. I love her so much. However, three days later, we had a really awkward intimate experience where she drank herself sick without me knowing. I was baffled. I didn't understand what was going on.
I've known her passwords for her Social Media accounts for 5 years. Never once was ever tempted to check in on anything. I always trusted her completely. That night I did not. I thought something had to be up. I checked her Facebook messages and found a conversation with one of her friends from the second night of our honeymoon. It was all about how she was "dating" one of my best friends. About how she was in love with him. And that she was mad that I wasn't him. It was the most heart breaking thing I'd ever seen.
I confronted them both. They said they only drunkenly kissed once. But they had been sneaking around behind my back since before my wedding. He came to my wedding. He let me marry her knowing what they were doing.
At this point I don't know if it got physical. But at the very least they were having an emotional affair. That is for sure. I feel terribly betrayed. I've never felt this low.
I've been a trainwreck the past three weeks. I've lost crazy weight and I'm a skinny guy to begin with. I can't sleep. We've had "deep" conversations that don't really go anywhere.
I really want to make this marriage work. I got married knowing I was in love with her. I'm not sure she is in love with me.
We started marriage counseling, but all the "trust building" suggestions from the counselor are getting dismissed by my wife. I don't want to do any of it either. The not trusting thing isn't who I am, which is why it's so hard because I definitely don't trust her.
My worst fear is that she's still here to save face with our many mutual friends, like "I tried," and that she's trying to get past a statute of limitations of me telling folks about that Facebook conversation/her emotional affair with my "friend" (I introduced them.)
In the end, though being too trusting is why I am where I am. If I look back, the signs are obvious. I'm embarrassed. I haven't spent any of the money we got for the wedding, or opened any of the gifts. I feel like I'm just going to send them back anyway if she wants to get a divorce.
Obviously, I am at fault, too. The lack of communication was a real thing that I was too dumb to figure out wasn't working. She said she never felt comfortable sharing who she really was with me. That we're two different people. That she's a bad person. Asks why do I want to save the marriage, why do I let her be so mean to me.
I don't want to make the decision. I married the girl I love. I don't think its fair for me to have to pull the plug. I want to work on my communication skills. I never realized they were a problem for so long.
I feel like the "it's not you, it's me" approach, about how I'm a good person and she's a bad person, is a cop out.
She still doesn't talk to me about big decisions despite my pleas. She withdrew from her last quarter of grad school (now she has to wait longer for her degree), she looked at apartments. Who knows what else she's been doing without me knowing.
I don't think she's told anyone about all the details about what's going on. Obviously her one friend knows and I think she's found some folks who have been like "divorce is hard, hang in there," but without really going into it all. I don't think her mom knows anything other than we're having time. Her dad and sister know nothing about it.
Controlled separation has been brought up. I don't know how I feel about it. I get she needs her space. She wants to work on things for herself. I think that will be good for her. But I don't trust her still. I don't want to her to have no accountability for her actions. I don't want her to run into the arms of my "friend" as soon as she leaves. What about the upcoming holidays? Her drinking was worrying me before I found out about all this, and it has only gotten worse. She won't have any accountabilitiy with that either.
She doesn't feel comfortable touching me. She sits far away on the couch, rebuffs when I try to hold hands. We haven't been intimate since that terrible night. And I'll I want to do is show her how much I love her. I'm going to start individual counseling as well. She says she will, too. But I'm not sure she will.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk about separation. All I want to do is spend time with her, but I'm sure she feels like I'm smothering her. I need to give her space to hang out by herself, but I don't trust her.
So many feelings, so little assurances. It's just really hard. Am I going to be a 25-year-old divorced guy? How do I come back from this? People keep asking me about my marriage and the "honeymoon phase." My answer is marriage is "new" When in reality I'm like, "I have no idea what a honeymoon phase is."
I want to be the person she comes to with problems. I want so hard to be this person, but I don't think she's attracted to me anymore, and I think she might have already given up. I don't know why I'm still on the string at this point if that's the case. I'm going to work for her, I just want her to work a little bit for me, too. It's so hard. I'm going insane. That's never been my MO.
Has anyone else been in a situation like this? What can I do to keep myself from going crazy?
Things were edgy before we got married, but she's an anxious person in general and everyone told me (including her) that it was just small jitters. She was downright mean the week before. I asked her to talk to me and she didn't really. The wedding was stressful and my mom took a lot of control of it. That was hard for both us. I'm sure it was harder for her. It got away from us, but it was a fantastic party, and a fantastic weekend.
We got married.
But then things didn't get better on the honeymoon. And they didn't get better when we got home.
About three weeks ago we had a nothing argument that turned into a fight. I'd been losing my patience with her attitude, and lost my cool. But she went for a "walk" for 5 hours, left me in the dark about her wherabouts, then came home and told me she didn't think she wanted to get married.
I worked so hard to see if it was normal. I became super understanding, I wanted to work through this. I love her so much. However, three days later, we had a really awkward intimate experience where she drank herself sick without me knowing. I was baffled. I didn't understand what was going on.
I've known her passwords for her Social Media accounts for 5 years. Never once was ever tempted to check in on anything. I always trusted her completely. That night I did not. I thought something had to be up. I checked her Facebook messages and found a conversation with one of her friends from the second night of our honeymoon. It was all about how she was "dating" one of my best friends. About how she was in love with him. And that she was mad that I wasn't him. It was the most heart breaking thing I'd ever seen.
I confronted them both. They said they only drunkenly kissed once. But they had been sneaking around behind my back since before my wedding. He came to my wedding. He let me marry her knowing what they were doing.
At this point I don't know if it got physical. But at the very least they were having an emotional affair. That is for sure. I feel terribly betrayed. I've never felt this low.
I've been a trainwreck the past three weeks. I've lost crazy weight and I'm a skinny guy to begin with. I can't sleep. We've had "deep" conversations that don't really go anywhere.
I really want to make this marriage work. I got married knowing I was in love with her. I'm not sure she is in love with me.
We started marriage counseling, but all the "trust building" suggestions from the counselor are getting dismissed by my wife. I don't want to do any of it either. The not trusting thing isn't who I am, which is why it's so hard because I definitely don't trust her.
My worst fear is that she's still here to save face with our many mutual friends, like "I tried," and that she's trying to get past a statute of limitations of me telling folks about that Facebook conversation/her emotional affair with my "friend" (I introduced them.)
In the end, though being too trusting is why I am where I am. If I look back, the signs are obvious. I'm embarrassed. I haven't spent any of the money we got for the wedding, or opened any of the gifts. I feel like I'm just going to send them back anyway if she wants to get a divorce.
Obviously, I am at fault, too. The lack of communication was a real thing that I was too dumb to figure out wasn't working. She said she never felt comfortable sharing who she really was with me. That we're two different people. That she's a bad person. Asks why do I want to save the marriage, why do I let her be so mean to me.
I don't want to make the decision. I married the girl I love. I don't think its fair for me to have to pull the plug. I want to work on my communication skills. I never realized they were a problem for so long.
I feel like the "it's not you, it's me" approach, about how I'm a good person and she's a bad person, is a cop out.
She still doesn't talk to me about big decisions despite my pleas. She withdrew from her last quarter of grad school (now she has to wait longer for her degree), she looked at apartments. Who knows what else she's been doing without me knowing.
I don't think she's told anyone about all the details about what's going on. Obviously her one friend knows and I think she's found some folks who have been like "divorce is hard, hang in there," but without really going into it all. I don't think her mom knows anything other than we're having time. Her dad and sister know nothing about it.
Controlled separation has been brought up. I don't know how I feel about it. I get she needs her space. She wants to work on things for herself. I think that will be good for her. But I don't trust her still. I don't want to her to have no accountability for her actions. I don't want her to run into the arms of my "friend" as soon as she leaves. What about the upcoming holidays? Her drinking was worrying me before I found out about all this, and it has only gotten worse. She won't have any accountabilitiy with that either.
She doesn't feel comfortable touching me. She sits far away on the couch, rebuffs when I try to hold hands. We haven't been intimate since that terrible night. And I'll I want to do is show her how much I love her. I'm going to start individual counseling as well. She says she will, too. But I'm not sure she will.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk about separation. All I want to do is spend time with her, but I'm sure she feels like I'm smothering her. I need to give her space to hang out by herself, but I don't trust her.
So many feelings, so little assurances. It's just really hard. Am I going to be a 25-year-old divorced guy? How do I come back from this? People keep asking me about my marriage and the "honeymoon phase." My answer is marriage is "new" When in reality I'm like, "I have no idea what a honeymoon phase is."
I want to be the person she comes to with problems. I want so hard to be this person, but I don't think she's attracted to me anymore, and I think she might have already given up. I don't know why I'm still on the string at this point if that's the case. I'm going to work for her, I just want her to work a little bit for me, too. It's so hard. I'm going insane. That's never been my MO.
Has anyone else been in a situation like this? What can I do to keep myself from going crazy?
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