Firstly, if you read this entire message I'd like to thank you in advance as this is something I am finding quite a struggle at the moment.
I am 25, I just went back to university to study a new course, psychology. Most of my life I was quite a timid guy, up until the age of about 15 I had a pathological fear of getting close to people, especially girls. I was terrified of them knowing me, seeing my flaws. It was extreme shyness, and though I did have friends, I missed out on a lot socially during my teenage years. At age 17 I somehow found myself with my first girlfriend and it changed my life and my personality completely. Though I still had many many problems, after the relationship ended I went into a deep depression and realised the only way out was to change myself, to become more confident and raise my self esteem. So for the next 8 years I did this, had a few different relationships and slowly pushed my comfort zones in all areas of my life.
As I said I am now 25 and I feel like I'm living a lot of the things I didn't when I should have aged 18 or so. I am at university and around many younger people. Socialising is a very important thing to me, so I have made a huge effort to socialise with the younger ones, to go clubbing etc. I made quite a few friends on my couse, and today we went on a bar crawl (a psychology society bar crawl). It was all quite fun until I noticed my friends seemed to be much more relaxed than I was, even though I had quite a few drinks. I'd talk to girls but start to lose track of the conversation and not be able to hold them, or when I could hold a conversation I'd become overly serious, lose my sense of humour etc.
When I got back I thought about it a lot and it really started to bother me. If I were only more relaxed I know I could very easily make more friends, flirt with girls etc but I can't, unless the situation and circumstance is perfect. It seems to effortless to others! Thoughts would enter my mind such as ''I'm so boring''... ''no wonder me and my ex didn't work...'' etc.
I just wish I could relax socially more, not think, be more impulsive, it's something I missed out on when younger and now I am the most confident I have been, I still can't do it :(
I am currently single which doesn't help, and adds to the feeling that there's no one out there for me (which I realise is probably wrong), but if for instance tonight in the group of us, one of the girls were suitable for me, I'd not know because I didn't even have the courage to talk or hold a conversation for long! :(
Any comments, reflection or opinions on the matter would be greatly appreciate. Even just knowing someone understands where I'm coming from would help.
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