I lived with my EW before getting married, but we were engaged at the time. I'm divorced now and have been dating my GF for about a year and a half. Things are great, but we're both living in separate town homes paying rent and both want to get into a house and out of renting.
I'm nine years older than her and had my kids young, so my kids are grown and I have few restrictions, whereas she has half custody of her 8 and 10 year old and due to her EH moving next spring, is under the gun to move into their school district by next summer because he's moving out of it and they want to keep the kids in the same school.
The result of all of this is that we're both looking to move into a house next spring and are entertaining the thought of pooling our resources and buying something together. Our lease situations and current accommodations are such that is doesn't make sense to move in together where we're at and I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet anyway. I think by next summer I will be, but she is pushing things along a little faster than I like because she's feeling pressure to get situated for her kids.
We get along great and my relationship with her kids is very good, so things look promising, but the thought of committing to jointly owning a house before living together seems like a mistake to me. I'm still not quite comfortable with jumping into a marriage again and she knows that (and I think feels the same way), but it seems to me that joint home ownership is almost equivalent or worse, because there are no asset protections (separation of property) if it doesn't work out so things could get pretty messy. Also, although she makes significantly more money than me, I have a much larger savings and better credit due to the circumstances of my divorce, whereas she has less savings and bad credit due to a bankruptcy that her and her EH went through during the divorce, so I'm in a better position to by something soon than she is. Even next Spring, I'll be committing much more to the down payment than her, but she'll be able to provide more ongoing financial support because of much higher salary.
The alternative is that one of us purchase a house in the spring and the other contributes to the finances like a renter with no equity. Individually we would be compromising what we want in a house and so the downside to this is that we would likely want to sell and combine our income for something bigger within a few years. Her credit and low savings will really restrict what she can buy short term, while my solo earnings will keep me from buying something larger with enough room for all of us.
Combining our savings and earnings would allow us to get something really nice and comfortable for long term, but we would be committing to it without ever having lived together. Even if I'm ready for marriage by then, we're still jumping in with both feet without living together first.
Sorry that was so long winded, but it's complicated. We both love each other and work great together. She's more comfortable than I am with this, but she also tends to be more impulsive and impatient than me, whereas I tend to be a "planner" and very cautious about major decisions. She respects my point of view, and I hers, but my gut is saying to ease into this and not let circumstances dictate our decisions. On the other hand, we're a great couple and if we're going to be together long term, I don't want to create costly hassles for us down the road. I think we should live together first before we make major commitments, but I wonder if that's a valid requirement or maybe just cold feet on my part.
Thoughts? (again, sorry about the book...also, I did search on this, but didn't really find much on living together before marriage, surprisingly)
I'm nine years older than her and had my kids young, so my kids are grown and I have few restrictions, whereas she has half custody of her 8 and 10 year old and due to her EH moving next spring, is under the gun to move into their school district by next summer because he's moving out of it and they want to keep the kids in the same school.
The result of all of this is that we're both looking to move into a house next spring and are entertaining the thought of pooling our resources and buying something together. Our lease situations and current accommodations are such that is doesn't make sense to move in together where we're at and I don't think I'm quite ready for that yet anyway. I think by next summer I will be, but she is pushing things along a little faster than I like because she's feeling pressure to get situated for her kids.
We get along great and my relationship with her kids is very good, so things look promising, but the thought of committing to jointly owning a house before living together seems like a mistake to me. I'm still not quite comfortable with jumping into a marriage again and she knows that (and I think feels the same way), but it seems to me that joint home ownership is almost equivalent or worse, because there are no asset protections (separation of property) if it doesn't work out so things could get pretty messy. Also, although she makes significantly more money than me, I have a much larger savings and better credit due to the circumstances of my divorce, whereas she has less savings and bad credit due to a bankruptcy that her and her EH went through during the divorce, so I'm in a better position to by something soon than she is. Even next Spring, I'll be committing much more to the down payment than her, but she'll be able to provide more ongoing financial support because of much higher salary.
The alternative is that one of us purchase a house in the spring and the other contributes to the finances like a renter with no equity. Individually we would be compromising what we want in a house and so the downside to this is that we would likely want to sell and combine our income for something bigger within a few years. Her credit and low savings will really restrict what she can buy short term, while my solo earnings will keep me from buying something larger with enough room for all of us.
Combining our savings and earnings would allow us to get something really nice and comfortable for long term, but we would be committing to it without ever having lived together. Even if I'm ready for marriage by then, we're still jumping in with both feet without living together first.
Sorry that was so long winded, but it's complicated. We both love each other and work great together. She's more comfortable than I am with this, but she also tends to be more impulsive and impatient than me, whereas I tend to be a "planner" and very cautious about major decisions. She respects my point of view, and I hers, but my gut is saying to ease into this and not let circumstances dictate our decisions. On the other hand, we're a great couple and if we're going to be together long term, I don't want to create costly hassles for us down the road. I think we should live together first before we make major commitments, but I wonder if that's a valid requirement or maybe just cold feet on my part.
Thoughts? (again, sorry about the book...also, I did search on this, but didn't really find much on living together before marriage, surprisingly)
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