Hi,
My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. One of our biggest troubles is that (in my view) she is very quick to anger. I'll say something that I think is pretty innocent (like making a joke or giving what I think is some helpful advice) and she'll respond as if I attacked her and start yelling at me and saying really hurtful things. When we talk about it, she'll say that she interpreted what I said as an insult and maybe I should pay attention to the tone of my voice.
For example - Last night, I was putting our 1 year old daughter to sleep. It's been a struggle to get her to go sleep on her own. Just when she had settled down and closed her eyes, my wife came upstairs and our daughter woke up (our stairs are pretty creaky). I picked her up and spent a few minutes getting her back to sleep. After putting her back down, I went into our bedroom where my wife was getting ready for bed. I said "Man, you've got the worst timing" thinking I was just making a joke about the coincidence of it and, in a split second, she was in a rage. She started throwing her clothes around and talking very sarcastically. Basically, she said that I was accusing her of being a bad mother and not helping out with getting our daughter to sleep. She said she feels bad enough for not helping out, and I should know that, so I'm "such a jerk" for saying anything. I intended none of that in what I said.
I feel like that's usually what happens: she's feeling insecure about something and attributes those feelings to me. From my end, it just seems like she's insecure about a lot of things. If I try to give advice about something, I'm implying that she doesn't know how to do anything. If I say anything even slightly critical, I'm telling her she's a horrible person. I try to avoid saying anything critical to her, but I'll sometimes she'll start yelling at me for something I said that I felt had no criticism in it. As I said above, her take on the situation is that I have a tone that makes it sound like I'm being critical and I should work on that. Maybe she's right. If it sounds like I'm just an insensitive jerk, please tell me.
From my point of view, I feel like I'm a member of the bomb squad, waiting for the next explosion to go off. Between the bouts of rage and the general lack of affection from her, I feel like I'm at the end of the rope and it's just getting to be not worth it. Anyone have any insight?
My wife and I have been married for 5 years now. One of our biggest troubles is that (in my view) she is very quick to anger. I'll say something that I think is pretty innocent (like making a joke or giving what I think is some helpful advice) and she'll respond as if I attacked her and start yelling at me and saying really hurtful things. When we talk about it, she'll say that she interpreted what I said as an insult and maybe I should pay attention to the tone of my voice.
For example - Last night, I was putting our 1 year old daughter to sleep. It's been a struggle to get her to go sleep on her own. Just when she had settled down and closed her eyes, my wife came upstairs and our daughter woke up (our stairs are pretty creaky). I picked her up and spent a few minutes getting her back to sleep. After putting her back down, I went into our bedroom where my wife was getting ready for bed. I said "Man, you've got the worst timing" thinking I was just making a joke about the coincidence of it and, in a split second, she was in a rage. She started throwing her clothes around and talking very sarcastically. Basically, she said that I was accusing her of being a bad mother and not helping out with getting our daughter to sleep. She said she feels bad enough for not helping out, and I should know that, so I'm "such a jerk" for saying anything. I intended none of that in what I said.
I feel like that's usually what happens: she's feeling insecure about something and attributes those feelings to me. From my end, it just seems like she's insecure about a lot of things. If I try to give advice about something, I'm implying that she doesn't know how to do anything. If I say anything even slightly critical, I'm telling her she's a horrible person. I try to avoid saying anything critical to her, but I'll sometimes she'll start yelling at me for something I said that I felt had no criticism in it. As I said above, her take on the situation is that I have a tone that makes it sound like I'm being critical and I should work on that. Maybe she's right. If it sounds like I'm just an insensitive jerk, please tell me.
From my point of view, I feel like I'm a member of the bomb squad, waiting for the next explosion to go off. Between the bouts of rage and the general lack of affection from her, I feel like I'm at the end of the rope and it's just getting to be not worth it. Anyone have any insight?
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