I am approaching mid40s and I feel like a complete failure when it comes to marriage. I find it hard to identify where the root problems really lie, is it me, her, or the relationship?
On the surface it all looks great. Almost 20 years, two fantastic kids. No arguments, harmonious. My friends think I'm extremely lucky. My wife, "Mary" is attractive, well educated, professional, extremely dutiful, sociable, and selfless. She looks after the kids and works (almost) full time, everything runs like clockwork.
Mary has never denied me sex. I can have sex anytime I want. She always looks after us a family perfectly, for example most nights I arrive home and a meal is waiting for me. Fantastic. Alas, I would gladly swap these "institutional support services" from some real feelings and a sense of togetherness and physical intimacy with my spouse.
So why do I feel like a failure, and why do I feel the marriage is falling short? After all, I've hit the jackpot, right? Have I failed to provide her with a relationship in which she feels "sexy"?? If this is the case, why is this all my responsibility? If it is, i really need some help because I'm clearly struggling…
After many years I have realised that what my idea of a great relationship / marriage actually differs considerably from her definition. Mary is very low maintenance, her definition of a relationship seems to be very simple. i.e. the marriage is legal and I am there as a father. She sees to have zero expectation of me as a husband. I can pay her no attention, be unreasonable, even rude, and the status quo is maintained. A whole year an go by without us doing anything together - and still we tick along. Actually, in many respects she is a simply a better person than me, of raving such low expectations and being content with just having the basics.
But this is causing me great distress and its beginning to tear me down emotionally., because I want more. I need more. The marriage feels like a sham. I have tried to discuss this, but Mary says she is very happy and gets upset when I communicate the unhappiness I feel. Then I feel bad for making her unhappy, so I let it all simmer down and we go back to normal.
However, the real sting is the sex life. When we have sex, which is actually quite often as I need it regularly (regardless of quality), its essentially ok but boring. Worse, Mary seems to be far from engaged in it and I notice the following which have for many years deeply upset me as I perceive them as a reflection of my inadequacy as a husband;
1. I love giving oral sex; she doesn't like it all.
2. She gives oral sex but does it mechanically, as if it was a chore/duty. I always have to request it, although more recently I simply encourage her non-verbally to do so.
3. During sex she keeps her eyes closed.
4. She hates any contact with bodily, sexual fluids, including her own.
5. She only seems to gain any form of pleasure form missionary position at a specific intensity.
6. She doesn't like sex outside of the bedroom.
7. Any communication I give with regard to likes/dislikes are acted upon once, then forgotten. It's almost as if she's the unwilling subordinate going through the motions after a "ticking off"!
8. She has no interest in my body, not really. It's almost as if she finds a penis slightly disgusting in some way.
I know sex is a reflection of the state of the relationship, and I know women need different things than men before sex becomes as enjoyable. But believe me, I have tried, and nothing ultimately changes. Mary ultimately seems devoid of sexuality…certainly in terms of me and our relationship. Any attempts a flirting are mostly ignored, sexy outfits disappear immediately after purchase and so on. I feel completely alone sexually, undesired, and just someone whose needs are serviced in order to keep the family home intact. Either that, or I have chosen a partner who has issues with sex and will never change. Or, of course, both. This has resulted in behaviours on my part which conflict with my core set if values - such as meeting other women, chatting people up in bars and so. The resentment I feel just becomes too much sometimes and I have to do something to feel positive about myself. Sadly, this are very short micro-fixes of course and don't come close to really resolving anything.
As it feels the sex is falling far short, any thoughts towards trying to improve things and work at it now feel futile. It just feels like a lost cause.
But I blame myself. Right from the getgo I thought there was no sexual chemistry. I didn't really fancy her If i'm brutally honest. I feel ashamed to say that, but it's the truth. But I liked her, in fact I do love her as a soulmate and best friend, although these problems are becoming so distressing to me it's changing the way I perceive Mary, resentment is bringing to creep in increasingly, for example.
We just can't get the sex right. Perhaps my expectations are too high for sex and the relationship in general? Its not more or less sex, or even certain acts I desire; I just want to feel she is enjoying it, wants to have sex with me, is completely at ease about it and even initiates it from time to time. It just feels its all down to me to makes things better, communicate more, make her feel better about herself. Well, thats a pressure and expectation I find hard to deal with and adds even more negativity and concern into the mix. We have discussed sex with limited success, there is an usually a resulting improvement but it feels academic and lacking in sincerity. Also, a lot of what she says in these discussion doesn't add up, she says she's happy and really enjoys the sex…but I think we all know if someone is really enjoying sex or not, don't we?
I don't know, I doubt I've got my points across very well. Part of me wants those youthful relationships full of love and lust back again. I knows kids / marriage/middle age it's all a compromise but this feel far too much a compromise. It feels like I fail to make her happy, this creates negativity and resentment in my mind, and this in turn makes things worse. Vicious circle.
The bottom-line is that if I'm completely honest with myself, I would have to confess that if the sex isn't right I could never truly love a woman. Perhaps Mary has picked up on this, who knows. I wish sex wasn't so important, but it is - am I screwed up, do I see women as purely sex objects? Should I just forget about the low quality sex and be content with the positives of the relationships?
I have often considered a separation, but I was a child of a broken home and still feel the pain. I couldn't inflict that on my kids, and the sense of failure if I did would dwarf the sense of failure I feel as a husband/lover.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I would really appreciate other views on my situation. Where have I gone wrong people? Have I just basically hooked with the wrong girl for me and never had the courage to give up and walk away? Or am I expecting too much and being immature, do I just not get it??? Just looking for some third party views / out of the box thinking…maybe I can come up with a plan and some positive steps to move forward with???
Thanks
On the surface it all looks great. Almost 20 years, two fantastic kids. No arguments, harmonious. My friends think I'm extremely lucky. My wife, "Mary" is attractive, well educated, professional, extremely dutiful, sociable, and selfless. She looks after the kids and works (almost) full time, everything runs like clockwork.
Mary has never denied me sex. I can have sex anytime I want. She always looks after us a family perfectly, for example most nights I arrive home and a meal is waiting for me. Fantastic. Alas, I would gladly swap these "institutional support services" from some real feelings and a sense of togetherness and physical intimacy with my spouse.
So why do I feel like a failure, and why do I feel the marriage is falling short? After all, I've hit the jackpot, right? Have I failed to provide her with a relationship in which she feels "sexy"?? If this is the case, why is this all my responsibility? If it is, i really need some help because I'm clearly struggling…
After many years I have realised that what my idea of a great relationship / marriage actually differs considerably from her definition. Mary is very low maintenance, her definition of a relationship seems to be very simple. i.e. the marriage is legal and I am there as a father. She sees to have zero expectation of me as a husband. I can pay her no attention, be unreasonable, even rude, and the status quo is maintained. A whole year an go by without us doing anything together - and still we tick along. Actually, in many respects she is a simply a better person than me, of raving such low expectations and being content with just having the basics.
But this is causing me great distress and its beginning to tear me down emotionally., because I want more. I need more. The marriage feels like a sham. I have tried to discuss this, but Mary says she is very happy and gets upset when I communicate the unhappiness I feel. Then I feel bad for making her unhappy, so I let it all simmer down and we go back to normal.
However, the real sting is the sex life. When we have sex, which is actually quite often as I need it regularly (regardless of quality), its essentially ok but boring. Worse, Mary seems to be far from engaged in it and I notice the following which have for many years deeply upset me as I perceive them as a reflection of my inadequacy as a husband;
1. I love giving oral sex; she doesn't like it all.
2. She gives oral sex but does it mechanically, as if it was a chore/duty. I always have to request it, although more recently I simply encourage her non-verbally to do so.
3. During sex she keeps her eyes closed.
4. She hates any contact with bodily, sexual fluids, including her own.
5. She only seems to gain any form of pleasure form missionary position at a specific intensity.
6. She doesn't like sex outside of the bedroom.
7. Any communication I give with regard to likes/dislikes are acted upon once, then forgotten. It's almost as if she's the unwilling subordinate going through the motions after a "ticking off"!
8. She has no interest in my body, not really. It's almost as if she finds a penis slightly disgusting in some way.
I know sex is a reflection of the state of the relationship, and I know women need different things than men before sex becomes as enjoyable. But believe me, I have tried, and nothing ultimately changes. Mary ultimately seems devoid of sexuality…certainly in terms of me and our relationship. Any attempts a flirting are mostly ignored, sexy outfits disappear immediately after purchase and so on. I feel completely alone sexually, undesired, and just someone whose needs are serviced in order to keep the family home intact. Either that, or I have chosen a partner who has issues with sex and will never change. Or, of course, both. This has resulted in behaviours on my part which conflict with my core set if values - such as meeting other women, chatting people up in bars and so. The resentment I feel just becomes too much sometimes and I have to do something to feel positive about myself. Sadly, this are very short micro-fixes of course and don't come close to really resolving anything.
As it feels the sex is falling far short, any thoughts towards trying to improve things and work at it now feel futile. It just feels like a lost cause.
But I blame myself. Right from the getgo I thought there was no sexual chemistry. I didn't really fancy her If i'm brutally honest. I feel ashamed to say that, but it's the truth. But I liked her, in fact I do love her as a soulmate and best friend, although these problems are becoming so distressing to me it's changing the way I perceive Mary, resentment is bringing to creep in increasingly, for example.
We just can't get the sex right. Perhaps my expectations are too high for sex and the relationship in general? Its not more or less sex, or even certain acts I desire; I just want to feel she is enjoying it, wants to have sex with me, is completely at ease about it and even initiates it from time to time. It just feels its all down to me to makes things better, communicate more, make her feel better about herself. Well, thats a pressure and expectation I find hard to deal with and adds even more negativity and concern into the mix. We have discussed sex with limited success, there is an usually a resulting improvement but it feels academic and lacking in sincerity. Also, a lot of what she says in these discussion doesn't add up, she says she's happy and really enjoys the sex…but I think we all know if someone is really enjoying sex or not, don't we?
I don't know, I doubt I've got my points across very well. Part of me wants those youthful relationships full of love and lust back again. I knows kids / marriage/middle age it's all a compromise but this feel far too much a compromise. It feels like I fail to make her happy, this creates negativity and resentment in my mind, and this in turn makes things worse. Vicious circle.
The bottom-line is that if I'm completely honest with myself, I would have to confess that if the sex isn't right I could never truly love a woman. Perhaps Mary has picked up on this, who knows. I wish sex wasn't so important, but it is - am I screwed up, do I see women as purely sex objects? Should I just forget about the low quality sex and be content with the positives of the relationships?
I have often considered a separation, but I was a child of a broken home and still feel the pain. I couldn't inflict that on my kids, and the sense of failure if I did would dwarf the sense of failure I feel as a husband/lover.
Anyway, thanks for reading. I would really appreciate other views on my situation. Where have I gone wrong people? Have I just basically hooked with the wrong girl for me and never had the courage to give up and walk away? Or am I expecting too much and being immature, do I just not get it??? Just looking for some third party views / out of the box thinking…maybe I can come up with a plan and some positive steps to move forward with???
Thanks
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