Today is day 5! This is the longest I've gone without seeing him in many years. My heart aches. But the reality of it is, I'm missing a ghost. I'm missing the person he once was.. but hasn't been in years. I'm missing a relationship that hasn't existed in years. Maybe I'm a mess because my whole life just got flipped upside down and my future is so uncertain. Or maybe I'm a mess because he called me a few times both Sun and Mon because he was feeling sad and we actually talked, respected each other's feeling and were compassionate to one and another.. but I haven't heard from since yesterday morning when he seemed a little more upbeat. Maybe I'm sad because I feel like he doesn't miss me. Maybe I'm angry that he is staying with his mom right now, where he doesn't have to put on a fake smile, cook, clean and everything else and keep the house running for the kids. Maybe I'm jealous that he has more flexibility and time to grieve his feelings and spend time with friends and family. Maybe I'm feeling empty because I don't feel needed or wanted anymore. Maybe it's my ego feeling bruised because he is letting ME go! But mostly, I think I'm sad because I miss having someone. Each morning I have to wake up and remind myself that I am a single mom, that he is no longer coming home, that I have to struggle to make ends meet, I have to do all the household chores alone, I don't have anyone calling to tell me they love me, I don't have someone to help me support my home and girls. Then there's the second guessing myself and wondering if I would've done things/handled things differently could we have had a better marriage. There's also the major disappointment in myself for picking up smoking again after almost 11 months for being smoke-free. I just can't stand being inside my own head right now. I'm tired of everyone telling me it will be ok. I know it will be. I know I just need to get through the hard stuff.. but I'm really struggling with my emotions right now and I am having a hard time staying positive. I'm having a hard time taking care of me. I haven't eaten much in these 5 days. I'm a wreck!I feel shaky and distorted. Ugh. Hoping for a better day
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