I've been married to my husband for about a year, our anniversary is coming up pretty soon here. I've known him about two years. Things progressed pretty quickly for us and obviously that has lead to some problems because we are still learning how each other work.
Anyways, this first year has been a roller coaster for us with many ups and downs, mostly growing pains but a big part of it (at least for me) has been different communication styles and trust issues.
For me, as i'm sure everyone else, trust is really important. I'm the type of person that will give the benefit of the doubt until something does happen. But after that, I have a hard time getting over it and things really don't ever get back to "normal." Just the way I'm wired, wish it was different at times. Lying really upsets me and I need to have things open to feel intimate and secure.
So enough with the basic back story. And sorry if this is too long but not sure how to convey this without writing an essay. Hope you guys stick through this and can help me out and hopefully help me see things better, or at least give some advice or opinions.
So when my husband and I first met and started talking, I had a profile on a adult site that I used from time to time to blow off steam. We weren't committed and he wasn't aware that I was using that site. Anyways, a day or so into talking I log onto that site and see that I have a friend request. It's from him! It had pictures of him, private "measurements," some of his sexual likes/dislikes, saw that he had a paid membership and the profile was made recently. I assumed he sent me the request on there because we lived 5 minutes away from each other.
So the next time we talk on the phone I asked if he had a profile on that site and he said no. So that's when I told him I had a profile on there (explained how I didn't have a pic up) and said he sent me a friend request. I thought the situation was comical and had absolutely no problem about it. And made this known to him. We were both single and still in the stages of getting to know each other. We hadn't even been on a date yet! So I saw nothing wrong with it.
So this is the kicker, he then said that he didn't make that profile, and hadn't sent me any kind of request and that the profile must be fake or someone else made it. He then asked for the username, which was identical to his email. He went onto the site, requested the "forgot password" option and a reset was sent to his email. He then deleted the profile immediately.
I thought that was a load of BS. Why would someone steal his pictures, use HIS email, describe his *ahem* length, know what his sexual experiences (which weren't much) were and PAY for a membership? That the supposed "hacker or Bot" may not even have access to because they used his email. That makes no sense and I told him so.
This is where the problem started. I have no problem that he even had an account there but what my problem is that this looks like he's lying. Why even lie about something when I have one too (and actually used it nearly on a regular basis!) and think there's nothing wrong with it?
After almost two years, I keep going back to this. To this day, whenever it comes up, he still denies it. I've told him what's upsetting is that it looks like he's lying not that he had one. All I want is to know is the truth, him say that he was embarrassed or whatever reason for him lying about it. And move on from it. I feel like I can't move on because it looks like he did make a profile and is lying about it.
I know that it happened when we weren't committed to each other yet, and that's why this is a bit of a gray area for me and even why I went ahead and decided to continue to talk to him, but it's the fact that the whole situation looks like a big fat Lie. What's the likelihood that someone would take his pics, pay a fee, use his email and make an account? 1 in a million?
So, now, I have some trust issues with him. I don't trust what he says and I feel like I'm always checking up on him to see what he does say is the truth. He hasn't given me any other reason (besides one other that I will describe in another post eventually, sooner than later probably) to not trust him. He treats me amazingly well, very considerate of me, great with my family, comes home from work and spends time with me, I have all of his passwords to things (vice versa), he lets me look at everything and encourages me to do so when I'm having a bout of insecurity and paranoia, is so giving and accepting of all my eccentricities, and very affectionate with me. In all honesty, I feel I have been the one who hasn't been the nicest or loving towards him.
I feel scared to get close to him (or stay close emotionally) because I feel like he lied to me about that. Something that I felt there was no reason to lie about, so what happens when he does something that I'm not comfortable with? I don't see how he would be honest about a big thing if he wont over something little. This is affecting other areas of our relationship and really starting to wear thin on me and causing so much worry and stress.
What do you guys think of the situation?
Any advice?
Any ideas of helping me cope or try to get over this?
Am I blowing this out of proportion?
Anything to help put this is perspective for me?
At this point, anything would be of welcome and much appreciated.
Anyways, this first year has been a roller coaster for us with many ups and downs, mostly growing pains but a big part of it (at least for me) has been different communication styles and trust issues.
For me, as i'm sure everyone else, trust is really important. I'm the type of person that will give the benefit of the doubt until something does happen. But after that, I have a hard time getting over it and things really don't ever get back to "normal." Just the way I'm wired, wish it was different at times. Lying really upsets me and I need to have things open to feel intimate and secure.
So enough with the basic back story. And sorry if this is too long but not sure how to convey this without writing an essay. Hope you guys stick through this and can help me out and hopefully help me see things better, or at least give some advice or opinions.
So when my husband and I first met and started talking, I had a profile on a adult site that I used from time to time to blow off steam. We weren't committed and he wasn't aware that I was using that site. Anyways, a day or so into talking I log onto that site and see that I have a friend request. It's from him! It had pictures of him, private "measurements," some of his sexual likes/dislikes, saw that he had a paid membership and the profile was made recently. I assumed he sent me the request on there because we lived 5 minutes away from each other.
So the next time we talk on the phone I asked if he had a profile on that site and he said no. So that's when I told him I had a profile on there (explained how I didn't have a pic up) and said he sent me a friend request. I thought the situation was comical and had absolutely no problem about it. And made this known to him. We were both single and still in the stages of getting to know each other. We hadn't even been on a date yet! So I saw nothing wrong with it.
So this is the kicker, he then said that he didn't make that profile, and hadn't sent me any kind of request and that the profile must be fake or someone else made it. He then asked for the username, which was identical to his email. He went onto the site, requested the "forgot password" option and a reset was sent to his email. He then deleted the profile immediately.
I thought that was a load of BS. Why would someone steal his pictures, use HIS email, describe his *ahem* length, know what his sexual experiences (which weren't much) were and PAY for a membership? That the supposed "hacker or Bot" may not even have access to because they used his email. That makes no sense and I told him so.
This is where the problem started. I have no problem that he even had an account there but what my problem is that this looks like he's lying. Why even lie about something when I have one too (and actually used it nearly on a regular basis!) and think there's nothing wrong with it?
After almost two years, I keep going back to this. To this day, whenever it comes up, he still denies it. I've told him what's upsetting is that it looks like he's lying not that he had one. All I want is to know is the truth, him say that he was embarrassed or whatever reason for him lying about it. And move on from it. I feel like I can't move on because it looks like he did make a profile and is lying about it.
I know that it happened when we weren't committed to each other yet, and that's why this is a bit of a gray area for me and even why I went ahead and decided to continue to talk to him, but it's the fact that the whole situation looks like a big fat Lie. What's the likelihood that someone would take his pics, pay a fee, use his email and make an account? 1 in a million?
So, now, I have some trust issues with him. I don't trust what he says and I feel like I'm always checking up on him to see what he does say is the truth. He hasn't given me any other reason (besides one other that I will describe in another post eventually, sooner than later probably) to not trust him. He treats me amazingly well, very considerate of me, great with my family, comes home from work and spends time with me, I have all of his passwords to things (vice versa), he lets me look at everything and encourages me to do so when I'm having a bout of insecurity and paranoia, is so giving and accepting of all my eccentricities, and very affectionate with me. In all honesty, I feel I have been the one who hasn't been the nicest or loving towards him.
I feel scared to get close to him (or stay close emotionally) because I feel like he lied to me about that. Something that I felt there was no reason to lie about, so what happens when he does something that I'm not comfortable with? I don't see how he would be honest about a big thing if he wont over something little. This is affecting other areas of our relationship and really starting to wear thin on me and causing so much worry and stress.
What do you guys think of the situation?
Any advice?
Any ideas of helping me cope or try to get over this?
Am I blowing this out of proportion?
Anything to help put this is perspective for me?
At this point, anything would be of welcome and much appreciated.
Put the internet to work for you.
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