Long story but I am mid-50's and have had very little partner sex in my life. I was a virgin until I was 30 so prior to marriage at 30 I only knew self-sex. The I married and had about 2 years of partner sex followed by almost no sex then no sex. The last 8 years of a 19 year marriage were sexless. I masturbated and avoided porn until the very end when anti-anxiety meds made it very hard to climax without more visual stimulation.
Ever since sex has been hard even in marriage. I think after all those years my mind separated sexual intimacy from sexual relief. Masturbation was about relief. It was convenient. You could do it when you needed to and not depend upon a partner. Intimacy is great but can be achieved without sex. I love intimacy (i.e. holding, kissing, etc.) but don't feel I need sex to experience it. Like some other men on here it can take me a long time to climax much longer than I would ask my wife to submit to. If after 10 minutes I can tell nothing is going to happen anytime soon I just stop. She has been wonderfully supportive but still thinks it's just a matter of me getting used to partner sex again and then things will all work out. I am not that optimistic. I think my mind/body is used to and prefers self-sex. It just wants relief when it needs it. I've tried no masturbation for 3 months and no difference. Now in fact my libido is about zero. I never feel aroused. I can get hard but without feeling aroused. Started into intercourse and it feels good but not good enough to build to a climax.
She has not forbid me from masturbating but thinks it's better I don't as it will just reinforce what I am used to. The problem is I still have occasional needs and through no fault of her own she can't meet them. She's even tried masturbating me but it takes too long.
We still have sex and I try and am happy if she gets something out of it. I feel though I still need to masturbate at other times for my relief. I've gotten hints though that it bothers her a bit that I can climax on my own but not with her. I haven't given up but feel I have to impress upon her the possibility that I will never climax during intercourse with her or it will be extremely seldom. I am concerned this will become an issue. It is early on now. How will she feel in a year or two years?
I have been through 2 years of sexually counseling and nothing has changed. My counselor thinks it's an intimacy issue with me (emotional) and that I just don't want to mess with sex. I prefer masturbation plain and simple. I have to say I agree.
Anyone else in this boat? Can a marriage survive this?
Ever since sex has been hard even in marriage. I think after all those years my mind separated sexual intimacy from sexual relief. Masturbation was about relief. It was convenient. You could do it when you needed to and not depend upon a partner. Intimacy is great but can be achieved without sex. I love intimacy (i.e. holding, kissing, etc.) but don't feel I need sex to experience it. Like some other men on here it can take me a long time to climax much longer than I would ask my wife to submit to. If after 10 minutes I can tell nothing is going to happen anytime soon I just stop. She has been wonderfully supportive but still thinks it's just a matter of me getting used to partner sex again and then things will all work out. I am not that optimistic. I think my mind/body is used to and prefers self-sex. It just wants relief when it needs it. I've tried no masturbation for 3 months and no difference. Now in fact my libido is about zero. I never feel aroused. I can get hard but without feeling aroused. Started into intercourse and it feels good but not good enough to build to a climax.
She has not forbid me from masturbating but thinks it's better I don't as it will just reinforce what I am used to. The problem is I still have occasional needs and through no fault of her own she can't meet them. She's even tried masturbating me but it takes too long.
We still have sex and I try and am happy if she gets something out of it. I feel though I still need to masturbate at other times for my relief. I've gotten hints though that it bothers her a bit that I can climax on my own but not with her. I haven't given up but feel I have to impress upon her the possibility that I will never climax during intercourse with her or it will be extremely seldom. I am concerned this will become an issue. It is early on now. How will she feel in a year or two years?
I have been through 2 years of sexually counseling and nothing has changed. My counselor thinks it's an intimacy issue with me (emotional) and that I just don't want to mess with sex. I prefer masturbation plain and simple. I have to say I agree.
Anyone else in this boat? Can a marriage survive this?
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