So I've seen posts here and there about people that talk a lot about exes, and I have posted my story on a number of them. I thought it would be good to post on a separate thread and see what kinds of experiences people have had with this, and to find out if people think I'm bat sh!t crazy.
My husband used to talk about exes at the most ridiculous and inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. We'd be in the bath together and out of nowhere he'd start telling me how he dated this girl and they were taking a bath and she stood up and hit her back on the faucet. Or if I happened to mention my stretch marks from my boys, i'd hear how he had dated this girl that had stretch marks and they'd be having sex and she'd tell him to close his eyes. WTF? On what planet would anyone find that appropriate? I mentioned once that a running friend of mine comments a lot about my breasts and how she wishes she had them, and I got to hear all about how he dated this girl and she was jealous of her friends breasts but hers were great and how much better could they get? We were having dinner with another married couple once and he started going off about some college gf he had and even the husband looked really uncomfortable, and the wife was looking at me with th is look of pity on her face. We had just finished having great sex one night and I told him what a fabulous lover he was, so instead of simply thanking me he goes off on a tangent about how it's because he's had sooooo many women and some were just once or twice and some were more often but each one made him better and blah blah blah.....talk about an afterglow killer. I have heard all of these stories multiple times and there are many, many more just like this. It got to the point where I just didn't even want to talk to him because I never knew what was going to elicit an ex story.
We'd talked about a few times and he'd play dumb, like he didn't realize he was doing it or that it bothered me, and it would stop for a little while before it would start up again. I posed these questions to a few friends, male and female, to see if I was overreacting (all people I trusted to tell me) and they all thought it was out of line. One guy told me his wife would throw him out if he talked like that. One day I just lost it.....I told him that people that talked about exes are insecure and pathetic, nobody cares, and the next time he talked about an ex I was going to get him a cookie because clearly he wanted kudos. That if he did it to elevate himself it was having the opposite effect and was lowering him in my eyes. Like the 5 year old that keeps waving his hand to try to get everyone's attention.
I then went on to tell him all kinds of details about my past I'm sure he didn't want, like the huge c0ck on my first. And it WAS huge; ironically, that guy wasn't half the man my hb is and the sex sucked (hubby really is a fabulous lover) but I wasn't going to tell him that. Needless to say it's been almost 4 years now and it hasn't happened since. I really ripped him a new one that night, and he admitted that he knew it bothered me but he didn't know why he did it and blah blah blah. Yes you do, you know why you did it, you're just embarrassed you got called out on it. But two can play that game and if you want to dish it out you'd better be able to take it.
Some would argue that spouses should share intimate details; I could almost buy this argument if he had asked about my past. He didn't though, because he didn't want to know, he only wanted to stick his in my face. I myself do not believe in sharing ex details because that part of my life is over and has no place in the here and now. I would not lie if asked but I'm a believer that you respond with what's asked.....if someone wants to know they'll ask.
The more I've thought about it the more I've realized that it was really about insecurity on his part. He is 19 years older than me and I think this was his way of leveling the emotional playing field. And he is passive aggressive.....I told him that if he couldn't deal with the age difference without disrespecting me he should've found someone his own age.
I'm actually not a particularly jealous person, I don't care that he has a past, I just see this as a basic respect issue. And making it clear that your exes are on your mind a lot is not very good for the relationship with you spouse. I also think it's a function of him not dealing with getting older well; it lets him relive his younger years. But seriously, if you're still that wrapped up in your past maybe you don't need to be married now.
He doesn't do it anymore because he now knows how it feels. To be honest it still p!sses me off sometimes, but I don't bring it up. I'm not going to punish him for something he hasn't done in 4 years, and I'd say in most ways we have a great relationship.
So has anyone else had experiences like this? Or different ones? Was I bat sh!t crazy and making too big of a deal out of this? Thoughts?
My husband used to talk about exes at the most ridiculous and inappropriate times and in the most inappropriate ways. We'd be in the bath together and out of nowhere he'd start telling me how he dated this girl and they were taking a bath and she stood up and hit her back on the faucet. Or if I happened to mention my stretch marks from my boys, i'd hear how he had dated this girl that had stretch marks and they'd be having sex and she'd tell him to close his eyes. WTF? On what planet would anyone find that appropriate? I mentioned once that a running friend of mine comments a lot about my breasts and how she wishes she had them, and I got to hear all about how he dated this girl and she was jealous of her friends breasts but hers were great and how much better could they get? We were having dinner with another married couple once and he started going off about some college gf he had and even the husband looked really uncomfortable, and the wife was looking at me with th is look of pity on her face. We had just finished having great sex one night and I told him what a fabulous lover he was, so instead of simply thanking me he goes off on a tangent about how it's because he's had sooooo many women and some were just once or twice and some were more often but each one made him better and blah blah blah.....talk about an afterglow killer. I have heard all of these stories multiple times and there are many, many more just like this. It got to the point where I just didn't even want to talk to him because I never knew what was going to elicit an ex story.
We'd talked about a few times and he'd play dumb, like he didn't realize he was doing it or that it bothered me, and it would stop for a little while before it would start up again. I posed these questions to a few friends, male and female, to see if I was overreacting (all people I trusted to tell me) and they all thought it was out of line. One guy told me his wife would throw him out if he talked like that. One day I just lost it.....I told him that people that talked about exes are insecure and pathetic, nobody cares, and the next time he talked about an ex I was going to get him a cookie because clearly he wanted kudos. That if he did it to elevate himself it was having the opposite effect and was lowering him in my eyes. Like the 5 year old that keeps waving his hand to try to get everyone's attention.
I then went on to tell him all kinds of details about my past I'm sure he didn't want, like the huge c0ck on my first. And it WAS huge; ironically, that guy wasn't half the man my hb is and the sex sucked (hubby really is a fabulous lover) but I wasn't going to tell him that. Needless to say it's been almost 4 years now and it hasn't happened since. I really ripped him a new one that night, and he admitted that he knew it bothered me but he didn't know why he did it and blah blah blah. Yes you do, you know why you did it, you're just embarrassed you got called out on it. But two can play that game and if you want to dish it out you'd better be able to take it.
Some would argue that spouses should share intimate details; I could almost buy this argument if he had asked about my past. He didn't though, because he didn't want to know, he only wanted to stick his in my face. I myself do not believe in sharing ex details because that part of my life is over and has no place in the here and now. I would not lie if asked but I'm a believer that you respond with what's asked.....if someone wants to know they'll ask.
The more I've thought about it the more I've realized that it was really about insecurity on his part. He is 19 years older than me and I think this was his way of leveling the emotional playing field. And he is passive aggressive.....I told him that if he couldn't deal with the age difference without disrespecting me he should've found someone his own age.
I'm actually not a particularly jealous person, I don't care that he has a past, I just see this as a basic respect issue. And making it clear that your exes are on your mind a lot is not very good for the relationship with you spouse. I also think it's a function of him not dealing with getting older well; it lets him relive his younger years. But seriously, if you're still that wrapped up in your past maybe you don't need to be married now.
He doesn't do it anymore because he now knows how it feels. To be honest it still p!sses me off sometimes, but I don't bring it up. I'm not going to punish him for something he hasn't done in 4 years, and I'd say in most ways we have a great relationship.
So has anyone else had experiences like this? Or different ones? Was I bat sh!t crazy and making too big of a deal out of this? Thoughts?
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