I sought out a forum for talk about marriage because I am struggling in mine and could use some advice and support. My wife and I have been married for ten years, and we have a one-year-old daughter. We are from very different backgrounds--she's Latina and a lapsed Catholic, I'm white and by heritage a Protestant. Our relationship has had its stormy periods, but it has never been more difficult than it has been in the last two years. I truly believe that neither of us wants to part, but staying together is tough right now.
Much of the problem stems from the fact that I have refused to listen to her when she tells me that I've hurt her. Every time, I would explain how she shouldn't be hurt, or I would tell her that she was overreacting. Or I will do things like promise to do a task for her, and then not do it--and then insist that it isn't a big deal that I didn't do it. I grew up in a family that didn't really tend to people's feelings, a family that emphasized how you should feel over how you actually felt, and so I don't have any idea how to engage with my wife's feelings. I can look back and see that all of my meaningful relationships have been ruined by this same trait. It's increasingly clear that I don't know much about how to form a real partnership with someone. I'm in counseling, and I'm beginning to make some progress, but my wife is carrying around a lot of pain because I have been so cold to her.
I could go into more detail, but I'm not sure it's needed. My wife has a hot temper, in contrast to my cold one, and she has been working hard to get it under control. As her behavior has stabilized, it has been harder and harder for me to avoid seeing the damage I have caused our relationship.
I'm not totally sure what I'm looking for. Any advice is appreciated, as are any words of encouragement. I don't want to lose my marriage, and I don't want to be the person I've become. Why do we act in ways that hurt the people we love?
Thanks for reading.
Much of the problem stems from the fact that I have refused to listen to her when she tells me that I've hurt her. Every time, I would explain how she shouldn't be hurt, or I would tell her that she was overreacting. Or I will do things like promise to do a task for her, and then not do it--and then insist that it isn't a big deal that I didn't do it. I grew up in a family that didn't really tend to people's feelings, a family that emphasized how you should feel over how you actually felt, and so I don't have any idea how to engage with my wife's feelings. I can look back and see that all of my meaningful relationships have been ruined by this same trait. It's increasingly clear that I don't know much about how to form a real partnership with someone. I'm in counseling, and I'm beginning to make some progress, but my wife is carrying around a lot of pain because I have been so cold to her.
I could go into more detail, but I'm not sure it's needed. My wife has a hot temper, in contrast to my cold one, and she has been working hard to get it under control. As her behavior has stabilized, it has been harder and harder for me to avoid seeing the damage I have caused our relationship.
I'm not totally sure what I'm looking for. Any advice is appreciated, as are any words of encouragement. I don't want to lose my marriage, and I don't want to be the person I've become. Why do we act in ways that hurt the people we love?
Thanks for reading.
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