Hey.. Im 22 years old female.I dont know from where to start i hope someone on the world could get how i feel.. When i was 11 i was raped by my own brother.. And he did it continuosly with me n i was too immature even to know what was actually happening to me because i didnt even know about sex. Afterwards i had severe depression and inferiority issues.. And i didnt know about loosing virginty and related..afterwards when i grew up i knew all about virginty stuff and got panicked.. When i was 17 i got invovled with my boyfriend sexually, whch i didnt enjoy at all, but on his request.. N then he cheated on me n moved on... Later in my life.. Then i came to know about all the fuss of being loose vagina and virginty n then i came to know what disgusting and futile my life is without wanting and without enjoying i did so much harm to myself.. Then i finally tried to move on.. I was invovled with a guy 10 years elder than me.. He was sensible.. I told him abou t not being virgin although im from a very conservative society where virginty is the issue of life and death.. But i didnt want to tell him about what happened to me when i was a child.. Later on at some point i felt he was right enough we had plans of marrying.. I told him about my childhood physical abuse.. He suddenly said so many harsh things.. Like did u enjoy.. How many times u did it.. N so many things.. Afterwards eventually he became disrespectful towards me.. He was rough in sex.. Treated me like a sex expert.. And like i enjoy every bit of it.. N he started behaving as if he did a favour to me accepting me.. And related every problem of mine to my childhood mental issue and evn worse he made me pregant and then refused to accept me in front ov my parents i suffered alot but then i recontacted him afyer abortion because i thought he is the only man who can accept me after knowing my past. I had no respect in that relation and i knew if i would marry him he will t reat me even worse.. I decided to move on n now im with a guy i very happy with.. He is nice sweet.. And treats me like a gentleman.. He dont know anythng about my past and sexual life.. And im too afraid to tell him.. I dont want him to disrespect me.. I live him from all my heart.. And i belong from a society in whch if i tell him im not a virgin he will think im not pure.. I dont wanna tell him.. What should i do.. Sometimes i hate myself and sometimes i feel im such a big cheater.. What should i do.. I didnt have sex with him nor do i want to have because he will know not a virgin and leave me or even worse stay and disrespect me or make it sound like a favour.. Whats my fault.. Im so depressed..
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