Yesterday, I made this thread (Basically relayed my experiences of being bullied. Sorry this is another long read.)
http://ift.tt/1jXUXNS
Sorry for making another thread so quickly, but I feel like I really need help and advice on this issue.
So I was bullied to the point of being hospitalised in year 7-8. I missed a whole year of school. I came out of hospital and went to another school, where I changed into a completely different person. I literally became the opposite of the person I was when getting bullied.
I was bullied for being quiet ("weird"), so I became loud at my new school. I started talking to everyone and anyone and just voicing my opinions, being blunt, without caring for backlash. I followed cues from my brother who is very popular and extroverted. I was bullied because of my skin (acne, freckles,) so I started wearing foundation/concealer (I'm a guy. Also use it on my arms to hide the scars.) I was bullied because of my hair, so I started straightening and altering it. I was bullied for being skinny, a "rake", so I started using the gym and beefing up. I was bullied for loving science and maths, so I stopped talking about it constantly, and only discussed it with people that got close to me. I was bullied for being short for a guy (and if there was someway I could change that I actually would.) So, as you can see, I've literally changed every part of myself. I don't even feel like the same person, anymore, and I'm not even sure if this is a good or a bad thing...
Now, in college, where I actually have real friends and a girlfriend, I actually feel so fake...Like I have to put a face on every time I leave the house. I'm seen as the absolute opposite of what I was, even more so than in school. Now I've started drinking alcohol, smoking, being with my girlfriend, etc. I used to be known as "little innocent Charlie" because I didn't drink, hardly went out, had lots of girlfriends, but refused to do anything with them. Now I'm SO different. Again. I'm so different that one of the people from my old school went to my college for a taster day and didn't even recognise me.
Everyone calls me "happy", "popular", "attractive", "confident," and I actually hate being complimented like that because I know I'm none of those things. I just constantly smile and laugh at everything, even if I'm not happy at all, so everyone sees me like that. I talk to everyone, but I don't even want to (I just want to hang-out with my close group of friends, but everyone crowds around me constantly - mainly my brother's following, so I feel the pressure to talk and smile at them.)
Attractive is the funniest compliment because I'm so fake. No one would find me attractive if they saw me without the cover-up and my natural hair and on social networking my pictures are extensively edited. Only my girlfriend and my friends have seen me natural. My girlfriend says I don't need to cover-up so much, but I know for a fact that she would have never given me a chance if I approached her natural. It's so bad that, even though we spend everyday together, I have to cover up and most of the time we aren't even going anywhere. It absolutely kills me inside when she constantly says that she isn't good enough for ME, that she feels ugly compared to ME, this is actually why she refused to date me, at first, but obviously this was before she saw me natural.
I know that my experience would be the same as when I was at school, where I was called ugly constantly, if I didn't cover up so much. People are right when they say make-up makes a HUGE different. I know this firsthand. I had a pool party at my house (yeah, I have a pool in my house,) and my friend pushed me in. All of my cover-up came off and all of the product out of my hair. Everyone was looking like "WTF happened to you?" And when I told them I wore make-up, they were like "OMG!" I was so much of a nervous wreck that I started running to my bedroom to sort everything out. Everyone, in particular my girlfriend, convinced me not to, though, that I was fine without it. But I obviously wasn't fine. I could tell they were staring at me all night in shock. I know they probably didn't say anything because my brother was there and he'd beat them for saying anything against me.
I scream and almost burst into tears whenever someone puts a horrible photo of me on Facebook because I just flashback to the cyber-judgement I got from the bullies. So, yeah, I'm obviously not confident like they think I am. I'm probably the most self-conscious person ever. I feel like I'll have to use this mask for the rest of my life, and constantly feel like I'm being stabbed when people compliment this mask, not the real me. I don't think the real me has been given one compliment (besides from my girlfriend, brother, and some close friends, but they obviously have to say those things.)
I don't even know what my question is...I guess, I just need some advice because the only people I can speak openly about this with are my girlfriend and brother, but they obviously aren't going to be impartial.
How can I get over this? Will I EVER get over this and not have to put on this constant fake persona? How can I ever accept compliments when I know they aren't really complimenting me?
Any advice at all? :(
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